first thanks for everyone's concern for me.
Here's where im at.I'm going to be honest, I'm not that ok. I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. I just sob all day. My wife and son have been away this week and every day Stefen who's 12 send me texts how much he misses me and loves me and another just to say goodnight. He checks up on me at work. Everytime I get one it makes cry. He's such a special boy and we're so attached to each other, we're like each other's best friend. It makes me cry bc then I can't do anything about this pain. Sure I'm in therapy and on meds but they're not helping. I'm not even excited about them coming home. I actually don't want them too. This way I don't have a reminder that I'm stuck with this pain. As long as they're alive I have to be here for them. I won't abandon them. It would crush and ruin Stefen's life. But I don't know how to make the pain go away. I don't even know how to live with It. My wife and I are having major marriage problems largely bc of my depression, we are in counseling, but she doesn't want to hear it. I get no emotional support at home. I have a couple of friends I can call (none local) besides that all I have is my therapist for support
my doctor also won't raise my lithium past 450 which isn't doing jack shit. I was on it before at 600 or 900 and it was a world of difference maybe my pain would be tolerable. I'm looking for a second opinion. I live in NYC. If anyone likes their psychiatrist please PM me
Too much right now
It's becoming too much for me
Too much going on. 
Am I too much?
I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I want to assure you that, even though it seems bad now, it is temporary. This too shall pass. My heart goes out to you. I know this may not provide much comfort, but it will get better. I like your idea about finding another psychiatrist. I don't live in NY but I know there are plenty of them who practice there. I wish you peace and the best.
Thanks for your support. But I've waiting for 25 years for it to get better.
Have you tried outpatient group therapy? You said you don't have much support at home. If you went to group therapy, you might find some new friends you could talk to. Not only in person, but also on the phone. I have been pretty beaten down with schizophrenia and severe depression myself and I know it can seem hopeless. When it looks so hopeless, I feel like it always has been and always will be. This is not true. It is temporary, although right now it might seem permanent. Please do not give up, and go easy on yourself during this time of suffering. If you feel like hurting yourself, please go to the hospital. From my own personal experiences, I know how much your son needs you. Sending hugs.
Yeah, I've done some group therapy over the years. When I got out of the hospital I joined a group called transitions. It was pretty intensive. 5 days a week from 10 30 to 1pm. And run by a therapist. I was there for about a month but then I had to go back to work. It was the best thing I ever did, better than the hospital