there is just way too much pan

[Joshgw]

first thanks for everyone's concern for me.

Here's where im at.I'm going to be honest, I'm not that ok. I'm in so much pain I can't stand it. I just sob all day. My wife and son have been away this week and every day Stefen who's 12 send me texts how much he misses me and loves me and another just to say goodnight. He checks up on me at work. Everytime I get one it makes cry. He's such a special boy and we're so attached to each other, we're like each other's best friend. It makes me cry bc then I can't do anything about this pain. Sure I'm in therapy and on meds but they're not helping. I'm not even excited about them coming home. I actually don't want them too. This way I don't have a reminder that I'm stuck with this pain. As long as they're alive I have to be here for them. I won't abandon them. It would crush and ruin Stefen's life. But I don't know how to make the pain go away. I don't even know how to live with It. My wife and I are having major marriage problems largely bc of my depression, we are in counseling, but she doesn't want to hear it. I get no emotional support at home. I have a couple of friends I can call (none local) besides that all I have is my therapist for support

my doctor also won't raise my lithium past 450 which isn't doing jack shit. I was on it before at 600 or 900 and it was a world of difference maybe my pain would be tolerable. I'm looking for a second opinion. I live in NYC. If anyone likes their psychiatrist please PM me

[Stippler]

I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. I want to assure you that, even though it seems bad now, it is temporary. This too shall pass. My heart goes out to you. I know this may not provide much comfort, but it will get better. I like your idea about finding another psychiatrist. I don't live in NY but I know there are plenty of them who practice there. I wish you peace and the best.

[Joshgw in reply to Stippler]

Thanks for your support. But I've waiting for 25 years for it to get better.

[Stippler in reply to Joshgw]

Have you tried outpatient group therapy? You said you don't have much support at home. If you went to group therapy, you might find some new friends you could talk to. Not only in person, but also on the phone. I have been pretty beaten down with schizophrenia and severe depression myself and I know it can seem hopeless. When it looks so hopeless, I feel like it always has been and always will be. This is not true. It is temporary, although right now it might seem permanent. Please do not give up, and go easy on yourself during this time of suffering. If you feel like hurting yourself, please go to the hospital. From my own personal experiences, I know how much your son needs you. Sending hugs.

[Joshgw in reply to Stippler]

Yeah, I've done some group therapy over the years. When I got out of the hospital I joined a group called transitions. It was pretty intensive. 5 days a week from 10 30 to 1pm. And run by a therapist. I was there for about a month but then I had to go back to work. It was the best thing I ever did, better than the hospital

[Hidden]

I used to be on Lithium for a long time, but I became tired of all of the blood tests. I know how medications affect everyone differently, but currently I take Trileptal, Seroquel, Celexa, and a fairly new drug called Invega. It’s working out pretty well for me so far. Just the Seroquel is making me slowly gain weight. I currently see a nurse practitioner who works under a psychiatrist. I don’t know if that helps at all. Keep holding on. Seems like your son really cares about you. I bet sooner or later your wife will come around.

[Joshgw in reply to Hidden]

I had a talk with my wife tonight, didn't go so well. But my son will always be there for me. But he's only 12, there are so many things I can tell him. Thanks for the tips sounds like something to look into, but thr seroquel was part of the reason I wound up in the hospital

[Hidden in reply to Joshgw]

I’m really sorry you and your wife are having all these issues. She should try to have your back. I don’t know what else to say. Just don’t give up.

[Nothing_but_books]

I don't have any rainbows and bunny rabbits. Wish I did. I live with constant pain too. Some days are just miserable, others are so bad I want to die. Heck, we're all gonna die eventually whether we dread it or look forward to it, so... There it is.

I find my mind betrays me when the pain is bad. I have no idea how to care for myself. So I use my computer to keep a list of what makes me worse, and what seems to help.

I have a screensaver photo that reminds me to hydrate, eat, and stretch. Another one says that doing 1% of the work that's nagging you is better than 0%. I play games to distract myself. Lay down when I can't move.

There's a wonderful post here today: "What would you miss?" (When we have trouble with gratefulness.) Link below.

See if you can find things that are good now.

I wish I could take away your pain. If it's gonna be around, it's time to know that's your new reality. Look hard for how to make it more bearable.

healthunlocked.com/anxiety-...

[Joshgw in reply to Nothing_but_books]

Thank you for your nice post. I have no distractions. I just can't get there. I especially like the part abou what thing will I miss I also lie down when I'm really bad and just sob. There are times I really wish I could die but I can't because of my son. When the pain is really bad I feel like that's just the way it is I know I have to get away from that, I just don't know how. It's all consuming and I can't think of anything else. Just stuck in my own head .Thanks again

[Nothing_but_books in reply to Joshgw]

Poke around the site. Something might connect.

butudontlooksick.com/helpfu...

[b1b1b1]

There are a lot of psychiatrists in NYC. I know it is a pain in the neck to look for another one and change, but if you are not happy with your present one think about a change.