It's becoming too much for me

[ellistoryteller]

Hi everyone.

I'm going straight to the point: depression and anxiety are destroying me, from the inside out. I have been almost six months in this state of self-hatred, pain, numbness, solitude, all that fun stuff. And I really don't know how to deal with this: I'm fearing for my life, when I'm in my good moments, because in the bad moments I fear living. I'm scared of what can happen to me if I don't find a way to control this, and, for a while, it will have to be on my own.

I went to a psychologist last year, after a lot of doctors told my mom it was necessary, but I stopped going because of a bad experience there; she told me my bisexuality was just a consequence of all the shit that has happened to me, and she even tried to convince me of "therapy-ing it out" or some shit. After that, I stopped going there, and now my mom doesn't want to take me anywhere else (she doesn't know of my sexuality, she just thinks it's not necessary and that I can solve my anxiety and depression on my own, because it is "just in my head").

The thing is: it is impossible for me to get a psychologist to see me right now, my mom just doesn't want to listen to anything I have to say.

I am seventeen, I will find a job in a near future, and I'm going to a decent psychologist as soon as I become eighteen; I am aware I need it.

What I need to know is some way to deal with this until I find a way of reaching for professional help.

Do you have any tips for me? Anything I can do while I wait? Some kind of advice you can give me?

I'm desperate.

Thank you, in advance.

[Tobeapatientlad]

First of all, my heart goes out to you. I can't possibly explain to you how hard it is to break the cycle of negative thoughts that we make for ourselves. But I feel that as long as we are aware of what we put ourselves through, there is hope to get better. Naturally, we all hate going through things like this. Personally sometimes I hate that I let anxiety and depression get to me. But I find that it's important to remind myself to give love to all these emotions. My aversion and hatred towards anxiety fans the flame and makes it worse. I would suggest looking at your pain, and welcoming it with open arms. Try to understand it and love it, for it is a part of you. You deserve all the love from yourself.

[AnxietyBarbie in reply to Tobeapatientlad]

I'm trying to learn to accept my anxiety and not be afraid of it, but it's really hard. How do you battle negative thoughts and accept anxiety with open arms?

[Tobeapatientlad in reply to AnxietyBarbie]

I'd say I'm learning as much as you are right now. Lately I've felt really powerless against my anxiety. But a step in the right direction is accepting that it's there, and that it deserves your attention. I judge my anxiety too much, if I looked at it with no opinion about it, me and anxiety can co-exist. I'd say the best thing is to just be patient, and be persistent with your acceptance. Keep trying to love and accept, and with time, there will be results.

[AnxietyBarbie in reply to Tobeapatientlad]

Thank you, I'm gonna try that approach next time I feel my anxiety at its peak.

[Tobeapatientlad in reply to AnxietyBarbie]

Your welcome, have a good day.

[AnxietyBarbie]

Know that you are not alone. I also struggle a lot with those same feelings and I understand it's hard. It's great that you are sharing your thoughts and feelings through this online community, there are many people who are also battling with anxiety and depression. What really helps me though is journaling, because I can truly express how I feel because I know the people around me won't understand.

[Tobeapatientlad in reply to AnxietyBarbie]

Thank you, and I'm glad I joined. I feel that it serves as a kind of catharsis for me. I also think that this could be my way of journaling. I already feel at home. I also feel that I can improve my self-esteem by possibly helping anyone in any way I can.

[figgs]

So sorry to read your blog I too suffer health anxiety and I am much older than you .I am a grandmother and recently I went through a very bad patch in my life where I didn't want to do anything .Eveything was Grey too me but thankfully there is a way forward .Think positive .Do little things slowly Be kind to yourself and others I am currently taking antidepressants and I have had CBtT which has helped Good Luck .