I hope everyone is doing well today. Today is a bit of a better day than Thursday was for me. I wanted to share my experience over the last few days. If you've been following my story, you know I've been battling a particularly nasty anxiety and depressive episode.
Before I share, I want to preface this with the statement that I am not planning on taking my life nor is my suicidal ideation about the present.
Throughout this whole ordeal, the last 2 months, I have had the recurring thought that it would be wonderful if I were to die suddenly, far in the future, before I had to lose my mother and have had to deal with growing older and being alone.
I kept this thought to myself as I knew it was a bad thought and I knew it would put people on edge to know I was having it. But, I resolved myself on Friday to tell my therapist. She is wonderful and had me come in for another session last Friday (my sessions are on Tuesdays) without charging me a fee. I shared this with her and she was very glad that I did.
I wasn't until I was chatting with my friend last night (she struggles with anxiety and depression worse than me) and I shared that with her that she became very alarmed and told me that that thought was a form of suicidal ideation. I was shocked as I didn't have any plans to do it and whenever I thought about it, it was always in the distant future. But it is. It is a very unhealthy thought and I am happy I told my therapist so that we can both keep a watch out for worsening symptoms.
I wanted to share this with everyone to again stress the importance of reaching out and getting help when we're struggling. If I hadn't, who knows what would have eventually happened.