Part 2 of my Depression and Anxiety Story

I work in retail and sometimes i have to go on the cash register. I get extreme anxiety when i deal with counting money. I get nervous that i will count the wrong amount and the customer might rush me or just look at me funny and judge me. When i have rude customers i also get anxiety and it can comepetely change my mood for a couple of hours. I did research and think i have a disability with numbers and basically doing basic math but i never told anyone yet. I'm scared to tell people about that. I know my self esteem is zero and so is my body image. So since i can remember i always get anxiety when i am in large crowds and it makes me feel like everyone is watching me and judging me on how i look. Certain social situations also give me anxiety. I always felt ugly and had self hatred since 12. When i was bullied i got called ugly almost every single day which really affected my mental health. I have my good and bad days with depression and anxiety but a lot of times just looking at myself in the mirror can trigger these things and how i feel about myself. My ulimate goal in life is to learn how to love myself but with my extemely low self esteem, negative body image( i think I'm fat and i'm gaining weight), and negative thoughts, it seems impossible.

My depression has a lot of factors and triggers. A huge one is my parents. They have always been overprotective and strict. I have 2 older brothers that live on their own now. I still live with my parents which is pure hell for me. I always felt like my parents raised and treated my brothers differently because I'm a girl. I never have an privacy or time to be alone. They call me baby names even tho i tell them to stop. They still treat me like a kid. I only have a part time job and they depend on me for money. They always ask me for money and its so depressing knowing that i struggle every day with my crippling depression trying to make it to work, work so hard with all my health problems just to get paid and then bam! all my money is gone. I have been telling them no lately so i need to keep that up. They have financial problems so they look at me for help. But I'm only 19 and i can't even take care of myself. If i wanted to go pick up my meds i couldn't because of not having anymore money. They haven't even taught me how to drive. I have my permit but i wanna get driving lessons but how can i do that if they keep asking for money that i don't barely have? I WANT to move out whenever i can. I don't have the money tho. So its either get a full time job or go to college. I don't even know what i want outta life my depression got me so blind. I just wanna get away from my parents cause i'm not gonna get anywhere in life if i keep living with them.

My dad has always been verbally abusive to me and my mom. As a little girl and even now i wish i had a better father. I have NO relationship with him. We agrue all the time because we just don't get along. His personality and his heart is cold as stone. He is just a really mean and hateful person. He called me a B*tch when i was 12. Something that affected me ever since. Since that moment i distanced myself away from him and have no relationship or bond. He has severe anger issues and temper. He yells at the top of his lungs a lot at me and my mom for the dumbest reasons. Anything can set him off. He has done and said horrible things to my mom. I talked to her about it several times but she has been in denial since she ever been with him. She has her own problems but she never divorced him. She always gave me excuses to why she stayed with them. I'm closer to my mom than my dad but when i try to talk to my mow about personal things like depression and anxiety she gets distracted and seems like she doesn't care. So i don't like talking to her because we end up arguing as well. I feel so alone. Both of my parents KNOW i have depression and anxiety but they always turn around and act like they don't know. They both say horrible things to me and it makes me feel more depressed and i wish i could just live on my own. My mom has said to me before that "you are so lazy, your the laziest girl i ever seen in my life", my dad says "all you do is lay in the bed all day", my dad said before "next time you get bullied, go to your mama" , and my dad said "you make me wanna kill myself" and so on. I try to tell them the way they treat me but then they deny it. No wonder why i have so many issues.

4 Replies

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  • Since I am old enough to be your grandmother, maybe I can help. I have had similar problems, but the bad one was more my mother than my father. Neither of them gave me any positive reinforcement. I won't work in retail for the reason you described. I am bad with numbers and am afraid of doing it wrong, and I am a college graduate, so don't be so hard on yourself. I wanted to go straight to college after high school, though. I was lucky in that my grandfather paid for my college education. Reading and studying and attending classes, though, kept me introverted. And I remained anxiety-ridden throughout college. I had zero self esteem, also. A bad set of parents makes that situation worse. With no encouragement, you are on your own. I read many self-help books and tried many avenues in order to get better. It works for a while. But I made bad choices in choosing friends and relationships because I was desperate for attention from anyone who would notice me. I had to learn to be more selective. I had to figure things out myself because I had no one to confide in. I have a biological brother who verbally abused me throughout my life. I have not spoken to him in over 20 years. Feel free to reply to me.

  • You have no idea how much your post has helped. I'm so glad i can relate to you. I feel like i do have to go to college to make better money and just to start my life and discover things on my own.

  • Going to college is no guarantee you will make money. It depends on the degree and if you get a marketable skill. But the degree itself helps your self esteem. It makes you feel much better about YOU. So your parents matter less in your life. Bring in college for a nervous person is harder but for people like us all things are harder. I am so afraid of so many things I have to fight that every day. Work on yourself every day and forget everyone else. Put yourself first. I will keep in contact. It helps me, too!

  • Thank you. I am just so lost in life. I always have been. College is my only option. Its the only way i can get away from my parents. I'm scared. Its sad that i have no one to be here for me. My family just doesn't care to notice that i have depression. They think everything is my fault. I bet they think I'm a bad person.

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