For the past two weeks...

[patiencethevirtue]

For the past two weeks I have been suffering from a deeper depression. I envision every night all of the ways to end my life. I have lost my job, but it is more a blessing than a loss, I have my wonderful supportive husband, adoring step daughter, and the surgery to help with my chronic pain and infertility in two days. I can not figure out why I can not rest, my chest feels like it is tighter than ever, and I'm tired of putting on the charade of happiness to please everyone. My family could do so much better, and my husband deserves the woman that can give him everything and then some. I'm trying to be better, and I do things that help, but it only seems to be temporary. I'm exhausted. I'm just venting to help at least get things off my chest. I hope you all are battling your journey triumphantly.

[imeynugo]

Patience,

Whatever you do, please do not give in to the thoughts to end your life. A very close family friend gave in those thoughts and ended her life a few weeks ago and it has caused nothing but a deeper pain for her friends and moreso family. The battle going on in our minds leads us to believe that our friends/family will be better off without us, but that is the farthest thing from the truth.

I have learned through my battle with my anxiety disorder that you have to talk back to yourself, with positive thoughts. Many of the negative thoughts that we have are irrational, but we have to be strong enough to remind ourselves of this, all day, every day. Otherwise, we easily get taken over by the fear and negative thoughts going on inside of our heads.

If you haven't already, please think of talking to a counselor or therapist. That really helped me out last year. It was cognitive behavioral therapy. If not, reach out to the suicide prevention hotline [phone]. You are loved, more than you will ever really know and understand, so please don't allow your situation, or circumstances cause you to make a decision that your family will pay the greater price. You are strong. You are a survivor!

[blackcat64013]

Hi Patience,

You might be feeling worse due to anxiety (tightness in the chest) about your upcoming operation without realizing it. It is one thing to put on a brave face but your body is telling you something else!

Imeynugo has put into words my thoughts on suicide so I will not go there.

Please give that supportive husband of yours a chance to help you in this difficult time. Talk to him about the feelings you have and the affect it is having on your total health and wellbeing. He may not equipped for professional therapy but he will feel good about helping you in practical ways to relieve some of that tirednesss. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Depending on the length of stay in hospital and if you are feeling up to it, you could ask for a psych consult to get the ball rolling in terms of addressing your mental health.

Good luck in life

[Hidden]

Hi good to meet you. I can't really add to the great advice you have already been given except to say you have lots of good things in your life like your lovely family. Many of us are on our own with no support in the real world.

I bet your husband admires your strength and courage and determination to get better. Very admirable qualities. If it was your husband suffering instead would you want to be rid of him? How would you feel if he killed himself?

Now turn the negative energy you use on thinking about suicide into positive energy better used towards getting well and look forward to your future.

[patiencethevirtue]

Thank you all for the support. It means the absolute world to me!! Thank you for putting things in a better perspective, I really do appreciate it!

[tuffy33]

Those negative thoughts are the devil trying to trap you. Don't give in... you will get better WITH TIME. I have been dealing with this for years. Pray, and it will get better.