I can't effing move on.

So this sounds stupid and whiny but - there's this BOY. And he's making me worse. I have a lot going on right now, and he's just adding to my anxiety. He is the absolute boss of sending mixed signals, plus we used to be what people could call "friends" (not that he'd ever admit it, but hey, people who actually hang out and go to coffee shops together are usually FRIENDS) but he keeps acting like he doesn't care about me - then I'll be like, fine, you don't care I'll just stop talking to you, and he'll start being really nice and normal again and, well, HITTING ON ME, but then he'll just act like a jackass again. And I need to move on. I need to, because someone can only be told they're stupid, annoying, and repulsive so many times before they start running. Or, just flat out believing it. He's toxic, and immature, and probably has major ISSUES too, but I keep seeing the good in him. The way he used to be, and the sweet stuff he used to say to me, and how he used to pursue me - as if he cared. I keep seeing the good stuff, it's just my stupid nature, I keep trusting people to be good and kind even when they've shown signs that they're not. . Just a normal boy except he acts, well, strange. And kind of mean sometimes. And he likes to play games with me, get in my head, argue with me, and it reminds me of how in kindergarten boys pulled girls hair if they liked them. Like he can't get past that. Either that or I'm just one big effing joke to him. Either he likes me and has serious ISSUES, or he's a huge jerk and gets a thrill out of messing with my head, or he's crazy. But either way, we were friends once upon a time. And I miss it. I miss him, the way I used to know him. not this psycho jackass who calls me horrible names as a "joke". And I know I need to move on or I'll just break down and cry my eyes out the next time he calls me something awful as a "joke". but I can't move on. I can't effing move on. And so maybe I'm stupid after all, you know? Because I don't have the guts or resistance or will power to cut him off. And because I trust everyone, all the time. And that makes me just worry that he's RIGHT about me, and it makes me hate him even more. But I can't effing move on. It's been three years of this unique torture, and I can't move on. Can't stop hoping he actually cares about me deep down. I can't move on and it's gonna break me some day.

[anewmenu]

It's not whiny to say and if I didn't know better, I'd swear we knew the same person. I mean he doesn't call me mean names(I'd go ham!) but pretty much as you are feeling, I can relate and what he's doing I can relate. When you ignore him he wants to pull you back in, but understand that's just his ego, (you're stroking it), You have to be strong and let it go, LOVE YOURSELF MORE. I'm not saying it because it's easy, I'm saying it because, truth is as long as you let him keep pulling you back in, he will keep doing it. You're right! he may have his own issues!... and when I tell you I could have written what you wrote line by line..(OMG!) But despite how good you think someone is you have got to be better to yourself. One detail that we might not share is that, I have the pleasure of working with this individual and that makes it extremely difficult, because we have to see each other daily, but I refuse to give that non sense any more energy or time. The one thing I realize is that he's not going to change b/c I think he's a good person. He's human and I can't make him love me. But I know I'm a good person as well. Be good to yourself and let him go. You can't b/c you don't want to, again, I know b/c I am there, this is my story. Do not give this situation any more control, YOU have to know, you are worth soo much more! Good luck!

[Hidden in reply to anewmenu]

Thank you, this actually made me laugh because he DOES in fact work with me, although it is only a part-time job (we are in high school, so. yeah.) but you are right, I kind of just needed a push to get the hell over him, and I guess I am better than his shitty behavior. So thank you. Good luck dealing with YOUR jackass as well

[Hidden]

Whew. Take a moment to breathe. You seem to know what you need to do....move on! And you have the strength to do it. You might not think so, but you do. I know you would rather stay with this dude if somehow if he would change. That's not going to happen.

He is who he is who he is. Accept him and be miserable and on edge. Or accept him as he is but leave him and move on to a better life. Not easy to let go of something we think we want.

We probably all been in a situation where we had to let go of something we thought we wanted in order to heal from an unhealthy situation. Can't justify staying by listing the positive characteristics, when there are so many negative ones that harm.

Love is not easy sometimes, particularly when we have been used to someone we love mistreating us. We get used to that, and forget that with someone else someday love will come with someone who appreciates us.

Best wishes for your future life. You deserve better

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the supportive words, I do appreciate it! I am going to move on and I think I will be a lot happier that way. Best wishes to you as well

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Ok, you have made a wise decision. Now remember to strap on your big girl red bra and panties (red stands for power and courage) and don't falter. You know you may be tempted to go back when you start missing him. So buy an extra set of red under garments, so you can always have one set on while the other is in the laundry.

When I was going to an important court hearing or trial, I always wore "red all under" my suits or dresses. It's a woman's private armor when going "into battle" or taking charge.

It will remind you that you are strong and can complete your "mission"and then will let your heart start to heal.

Best wishes in your new life.