I was labeled chronic depression

For years I felt like I wasn't able to get any joy from activities I had great memories of before.... anxiety kept me going in school, it was the fire under my butt that pushed me to meet deadlines. But I have random episodes of depression, I feel extremely sad or I feel nothing at all. Skip class and work to just lay in bed and sleep. I know it's wrong of me to do that but I can't get up. I know I should go for a walk or excercise or talk to someone bc that's what psychiatrists say,right? But I can't even fathom the thought of moving a muscle. I feel nothing or I feel every sadness in my bones.

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  • Hey Cindy, that's got to be overwhelming. Part of the reason major depression is so challenging is because all of the things that will help us are exactly what depression prevents us from doing! One piece of advice I'd give you is, "Don't let perfect be the enemy of good." Some days, walking, exercising, that's just too much. But maybe you have just enough to get out the door and sit in the sunshine. And you know what, that's awesome. Maybe you have just enough to open the window and the blinds, and you'll soak up the sun in bed. That's okay, too. Every little effort you take is something you can build on the next day.

    By the by, do you have the kind of therapist where you can call or Skype them? When I was in college, my school restraints were such that I couldn't go to therapy in the middle of the week. Perhaps you could work out a system with your therapist such that, when you are just too depressed to travel to their office, you could still talk about it remotely. Or maybe talking itself is too much work. Hmmm.

    This is kind of a long-shot, but I think it's worth mentioning. My life turned around when I rescued my cat. I don't know what kind of means you're working with or what kinds of restraints you're under, but consider rescuing a shelter pet if you haven't already. For a lot of us dealing with depression, animals can provide a level of comfort that people can't.

    There's so much I don't know. I'm sorry I can't help you more, Cindy. But please accept my virtual hugs, and know that you don't deserve to feel this way, know that you deserve to get better. Wishing you lots of love & comfort.

  • I second this!

  • I am 49, retired from the US Army on disability, was currently working for the government. I understand what your going thru. I stopped going to work in March, my anxiety and depression have gotten to the point I can't get out of bed, can't get up... But I have to. I got myself dogs a few months back so I'm not alone. I have to force myself to walk them. Some days I just can't, I just lay there and don't know what to do. I have not been around friends for months because I don't know what would happen. I get drunk some days to forget my fears, instead it gives me more fear. I applied for disability because I cannot do my work, I forgot how to do it or maybe I'm just going crazy. I used to be a subject matter expert in IT, worked for the government my whole life in one way or another. My current job was/ is for a rocket research laboratory where I helped rocket scientists find computing solutions to their problems. Over the past year I have gotten to the point I didn't understand my job, sat for hours not knowing what to do. It got so bad they put me on a performance improvement plan which I couldn't do/ understand. I don't know how I got here....i used to help the secret service/ President and have awards for it. Now I can't help myself. This black hole I'm in is just getting deeper and while I'm trying to find a way out I just get more anxiety and fear.

  • Hi Gman. First I'd like to say thank you for your service and I am sorry that you are enduring this. I was telling Cindy that for me, rather than looking at the defeats, look at the victories you have won. It is a huge victory that you got dogs to keep you company. Although some days it is hard and you can't walk them, the fact that you were able to even purchase them is a huge victory. Rather than looking at the fact that you are possibly mentally disabled (and a lot of people don't know depression counts as a mental disability), you decided to apply for disability anyways! I see those as all victories. I know that it is hard believe me I do. All I see is defeat, but I practiced on looking at the small accomplishments I made. From not being able to get up out of bed, to finally being able to and use the restroom. It sounds silly, but that is a victory. Reward yourself for those victories. If it helps any, you may have lost some battles, but you're winning the war. Good luck to you my friend.

  • Hey Cindy. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and I have felt this too. It makes us sadder that we realize we can't even get out of the bed. We are trapped within our own minds. My best friend helped me through some of those darker days. She told me to reward myself for the small things I did. If I thought positively about something I actually did rather than could not do, then I felt better. For instance, one day, I wanted to do some homework for school. I sat down in my chair and was prepared to do it, but after looking at it, I could not even lift a finger. I sat in that chair for an hour because I could not get up. I was mentally exhausted. Eventually I was able to get up and I made coffee. The fact that I actually made a cup of coffee was a positive thing. One step at a time. I thought, my friend is right. I was able to do something. I knew I had to take my meds and it literally took me 45mins to drink them. But I thought I would try to be entertaining about it so I recorded myself taking them and sent it to my friend. She was proud of me. Sounds silly to think you would be proud to take your meds but for us, that is a victory. So try to think about your victories and not about your defeats. I wish you all of the best, and were all here.

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