Just wish I was DEAD!!!!: Sick of... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support
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Just wish I was DEAD!!!!

lovedogs51511
lovedogs51511

Sick of living a life of Hell!! I have to put this out there cause I'm falling apart inside. I know I have basic necessities which I'm very grateful for. Started crying today cause I'm stuck on a damn scooter and its 30s right now but soon to be in the 20s. I'm having to take lyft to and from work when it rains which cost me $20 to go 9 miles. I'm only working part time and on disability. Have no money to even keep heat on. Parents give me the dumbest excuses why they can't help me get a piece of junk car. They have money but constantly talk down to me like my whole family does. I guess when your poor or have disabilities your a piece of shit in their eyes!!! Its not a good feeling whatsoever!!!! I almost got ran over tonight by some asshole!!! Another lady almost hit me right after that!!! I hate being here in stupid Utah!!!! It sucks but can't afford to live here and can't afford to go back to my home in Vegas! It hurts too knowing my mom moved me here to be closer to me but only to control, be condescending and mean to me. I cried so hard when I moved from Vegas and now I'm totally aware why I cried so hard!!!! I miss Vegas and the ppl so very MUCH!!! Anyhoo I'm not sure if these are reasons to feel so shitty but it all hurts to the core and feel very alone in this evil world. Plus at work the 2 other coworkers tell me yea ill help ya but ignore me, play on their phones and talk over me like I'm not,there while a resident could be waiting to use the bathroom for half an hour!!! Heartless!!! I'm sick of their crap too!!! Sorry but I have no one to talk too. This is why I love this site cause no one judges you, ppl listen and are so understanding! So thank you!💗😊✌

46 Replies
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lovedogs, I would be upset too. I can't imagine you riding a scooter in this weather. It is

very dangerous as you are finding out. I'm so thankful you are safe tonight. What kind of

reasons can your parents possibly give for putting you in harm's way with that scooter.

A little used car that would provide you warmth and protection doesn't seem unreasonable for you to ask for.

I've also been reading your unhappiness at work. I can't believe people can be so mean

and cruel to other co-workers. ( Especially in a caring nursing position. ) I was so happy

when you said you were going into nursing. Maybe it's just the wrong place. It's not the

career but the facility itself as well as management. Any chance of finding another care

facility near you??

I'm glad you came here to let out your frustrations. You always have us to talk to, for us

to listen and understand. You know I care about you. Stay safe. I hope you try talking

with your parents in a calm fashion to get them to understand that you really need to

be in the safety of a car during these cold winter months ahead. Love, Agora xx

Thank you Agora1. Its so nice to hear from you! My parents don't give a damn. My mom just blows me off or says f..k you! Unbelievable. Everything is always no matter what my fault. Sick of being here. My mom is so mean. She can't show feelings at all. Me almost getting hit is me not being careful. I'm like screw you mom!!! They have money but they need a pool for their backyard. That's the reason they keep saying they will help but keep blowing me off day after day. Month after month. Basically if it doesn't affect them then it doesn't matter. She is the most shallow and fake person ill ever meet. I'm the embarrassment to this family. I can't find any other workplace to work cause others are only hiring for full time or home health which I can't do cause you need car. I just can't take life anymore. I have nobody but with the way ppl are out there I guess being alone is not that bad. Trying to get letter from Dr to prove to my rental management company so I can get service dog. If I can ill be more happy. I just go to work where its hell except for the residents, put up with families crap and come home to nothing but tv. Other than that I have no reason to live!!! A dog to come home to would be amazing!!😊 Someone I could love 24 7 and spoil rotten!!!! Life will be good then!!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart Agora1 for being caring and so understanding!!! Your awesome💗😄

I agree a service dog would fill the emptiness you feel. The unconditional love

that a dog would give you might be the best medicine right now. xx

Abolutely agree!!!

Going to call it a night. Tomorrow's a new day.

I'll be on again. Hope you settle down and can

get some rest. Goodnight dear. xx

Thank you and hope you sleep great tonight!! HUGS!!

Oh I was crying so hard after almost getting hit that when she called I begged her for a car but said fuck you after giving me bullshit reasons they couldn't help. Really nice right?? Just wished I could go back to Vegas to get the Hell away from her!!!!!!

lovedogs, what are the chances that someone you know in Vegas would help you get

back there? Be back with your friends, with a place you can call home. You've got

the degree now, you should be able to find a job. You just need that little break in

someone reaching out to help you since it doesn't look like it's going to be your parents. Don't ever think you are an outcast of your family. Nobody deserves to be

treated like that. If I were you and I have been in a similar situation of my mother not

giving me credit for choices I have made in my life, I would show your parents you can

and will make it. Go on YouTube and feed into Self Esteem and confidence. There are so many great videos that can help you build yourself up. You are a smart young women who has a beautiful heart. Don't let it go to waste. A new year is coming up.

Start thinking about how you can make 2019 a better year for yourself. What changes

can you make. It doesn't happen overnight. Just don't lose sight of what you really want in life. :) xx

The problem is is that I don't have my CNA yet. I got out the class I started cause there was 30 ppl in that class! I have multiple learning disabilities too. Soon as I read something I completely forget it. I talked with the owner and I will try to start in Jan. Just hope to God the class will be smaller. Its a super fast course which kills me. I'm so stupid compared to everyone else. Its near impossible to learn always was. I barely graduated. Only graduated from alternative hs. I had no real friends I could rely on like that. The ppl in Vegas were cool but ppl just hate me for some reason. I'm nice to everyone but like my brother said it does not pay to be nice anymore in this evil world. I don't understand why,I'm just a piece of shit to everyone?? I'm hoping for a good 2019 but I never get too hopeful for anything cause every time I do its taken away!!! Ill go look at what you suggested see if that helps!! Your a true and genuine friend💗

Just wanted to stop in and let you know that no matter how bad things get there is always a tomorrow in which to reinvent ourselves. Don't ever let anybody make you think you are lesser than them, for you my Sister, are a beautiful, loving, caring person, and you deserve to be loved and cared about just as much as the rest of us. Love yourself, love "you" !

Your Sister in life,

LaShell

Thanks so much wonderful sister!!! I truly appreciate that!!! Your awesome and so caring too!!! Love you gals!!! All of your kindness and caring keeps me going but still have a horrible existence! Hope today brings a brighter outlook on life! Love ya sister!!!

Hidden
Hidden

Hey pretty girl, I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Please don’t give up. I know how hard life can be, but I want you to fight like hell to get through these times. We are all fighting with you. I am here if you need to talk. I love you & I am sending you many hugs. 😭🤗💖✨

lovedogs51511
lovedogs51511
in reply to Hidden

Oh you are more than sweet and kind!!! Made my day like LaShell and Agora1 did yesterday!!! Love you bunches girl!!! I can't deal with constant bad things. Never good in my life just shit!! Its hard to fight like Hell when mostly bad things happen. If I get a dog ill be filled with such joy!!! Right now I just get treated like shit by ppl in life except on here. Come home to dark, cold apt with no reason to live. Riding that scooter at 46 is enough to go kill myself alone. But dealing with these morons at work is so frustrating!!! Its like we're here to help these residents but they ignore me, play on their phones and keep saying yea ill be there as I go sit with resident no one comes to help!! Unbelievable right? Your a nurse and you would never do that to someone! Your a fabulous nurse I know it. Your absolutely kind hearted! Sorry for ranting but how are you by the way?? Lets talk about how your doing!!! You been hanging in there?

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to lovedogs51511

I am so, so sorry that you’re going through all of this. 💖 Please don’t give up. You’re right about the puppers. He/she will definitely bring you some much needed JOY. I know how stressful you must be at your job. I’m super proud of you for managing to keep working. Im a nurse that hasn’t worked since my trauma, so you’re doing far better than me. I’ve become so scared to leave the house that I cannot function in society. I’m currently doing okay, I am pregnant & sick with bronchitis at the moment, but I’m trying to make it, girlie! I love you dearly. I am always here for you if you need to talk. More hugs coming your way!!!! 🤗🤗💖💖✨✨

lovedogs51511
lovedogs51511
in reply to Hidden

Oh no my dear friend ill be your caregiver💗💗 Get you healed and feeling great again! I've been terrified to leave home too but been like this pretty much my whole life. I so understand how you feel!!! That's why I need the dog so we can go for walks and stuff. I didn't leave my apt ALL summer due to my severe anxiety. Its terrifying to go to work but my disability doesn't cover rent so I have to work part time. Its so scary I know! I'm here for you too girl!! Huge congratulations on your baby!!😄😄 Hugs to you both!!! Is it a girl or boy or don't know? Hope,its a girl!! Your going to be the sweetest most caring mom to that lucky baby!!!💗💗💗 Ill pray you get feeling better and over that bronchitis!!! But I know all about,agorophobia. Its so hard to leave home! I stay indoors once I'm done working. I don't leave until I go to work and that's it. I love you too dearly💗💗😊 Sorry you haven't worked cause I bet ppl are missing you at work! I definitely would if I worked with ya!!!😊😊

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to lovedogs51511

Aww. Thank you so much. I feel like I’m dying right now. I’ve suffered with bronchitis majority of my life. Since I was a baby. I have that & asthma. So. Not. Fun. I’m so sorry that you also suffer with agoraphobia. I haven’t ever been diagnosed with that, but I can pretty much guarantee that I have it. I’ve always had pretty severe social anxiety, & I think over time it turned into agoraphobia from my trauma at the beginning of this year. I’m actually having a baby boy! I lost a baby girl at the beginning of this year though. Her name was Nova. 💖 My fiancé & I are really excited. What kind of puppy do you want to get? I have a pit & he’s the cutest thing ever. I am thinking about getting a kitty! I need to check to make sure I’m not allergic first. Aww, that’s so sweet that you think you’d miss me if we worked together. To be quite honest with you, I probably will not return to the hospital that I worked at for 5 years. My ex boyfriend who abused me & actually caused me to lose my baby is now dating my ex best friend. She’s currently pregnant by him too. A lot of my coworkers think I’m a whack job now. It’s just a lot of drama. So I don’t know what to do. Im just focusing on my life now. I hope someday that I’ll work somewhere again, but I am taking the time right now to focus on this pregnant & trying to be a better me, you know? My daddy has been really sick this year too, so I take care of him. My fiancé & I are getting a trailer right next to my parents so I can be his home health nurse. I don’t mind at all. He’s my everything. 😍

lovedogs51511
lovedogs51511
in reply to Hidden

Omg that's awesome your taking care of your dad!! See your a sweetheart💗💗 Ohhhhh I want a pittie Soooooo bad! These stupid ass condos have breed restrictions which that stigma about pitties being all vicious is shit!!! Thankfully Tia Torres from pit bulls and parolees has changed that stigma quite a bit. I'm so jealous girl!!! I post pittie stuff on facebook all the time!! I just love their huge smiling faces😄😄😄 They are the most lovable goofy silly dogs ever!!! I want to save one soooo bad!!! I'm so sorry you've had bronchitis and asthma since you were a baby!!! I'm praying you get feeling better!!! That's great news on baby boy too. Soooo sorry you lost your girl Nova!!! She's still with you!!! Always will be!!! As far as work goes you'll get hired immediately somewhere else so if your fiance is paying for bills and necessities take a leave since your pregnant. You deserve to be SPOILED by him right now. Oh never let an asshole hit or abuse you! Your so awesome and that jerk is a complete coward. I would beat his ass until he knew not to ever mess with a woman again!!! Sorry you went thru all that. Is your fiance good now?

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to lovedogs51511

Sorry girl, I passed out. I haven’t had much rest because I’m so sick. It hurts so much. Ugh. I am miserable. Pit bulls are honestly such lovable animals. My dog is a huge baby. He just lays on top of me & my fiancé like he’s a child. Which he is, but he’s getting big now lol. I’ve always been such a fan. I know there’s such a stigma out there for pit bulls. It breaks my heart, because they are so loyal. I love Kuno so much! I hope that whatever type of doing that you get you enjoy! Im a huge dog lover. My fiancé is more of a cat lover, but he loves Kuno so much. We’ve trained him really well. He’s my baby though always. Sorry, I’m kinda out of it because of my medication so I can’t remember what else you said but I love you! I hope you have a an amazing rest of your day! 💖💖💖✨✨✨

lovedogs51511
lovedogs51511
in reply to Hidden

Oh sending you big bear HUGS!!!

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to lovedogs51511

Oh yes, my fiancé is spoiling me a lot! I do get paid by my insurance until July of next year too. I already have the pregnancy added onto the extra time off, but I still never plan on returning to that hospital! My fiancé is actually on vacation the whole month of December & is going to be on day shift too. I’m so excited. He treats me like a queen when he isn’t sleeping! Lol! He tends to sleep a lot because he suffers with migraines. He’s on medication now. Ironically, I’ve been the one sleeping a lot since he went to the doctor. My ex is trash. I’m in a huge court case about what he done to me & my Nova. Everything will be okay. Karma will prevail. 🙏🏼💖

This is what happens when idiots vote Trump.

lovedogs51511
lovedogs51511
in reply to Ibbi

I don't even vote. I hate politics!

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to lovedogs51511

What is this person trying to say? I don’t understand.

lovedogs51511
lovedogs51511
in reply to Hidden

I was asking myself the same thing lol. I'm so disgusted by politics that I don't care and don't vote! Not good I guess but I just don't care. Do you vote?

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to lovedogs51511

I’ve honestly NEVER voted. I’m not even registered. That’s bad, right? Lol!

lovedogs51511
lovedogs51511
in reply to Hidden

Lmao me neither and ill be 46 in a month!! Too funny girl😄😄😄

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to lovedogs51511

Wow, no way you’re 46! You look my age! I’m 27! I would’ve never guessed! Please let me age as gracefully as you! You’re always saying you’re not pretty! Ughhh! Stop it! 😘

lovedogs51511
lovedogs51511
in reply to Hidden

That pic turned out good cause I took pic in the sunlight but now after smoking again I got sagging skin around the mouth. I don't put up pic showing that!! I look like shit hun. Your so 💗beautiful 😊😊 Wish I could be 27 and do life right like you have!! Your such a smart gal 💗 I wish I had your life !! Always hold your head high and love yourself cause your an amazing person!!! I hate that your struggling. Sending you huge HUGS!!!💗💗

Hidden
Hidden
in reply to lovedogs51511

Aww girl, you’re still beautiful! You should quit smoking tho! Please please. My daddy is suffering so much for smoking all his life. I smoked for years too & stopped two years ago! I’ll never pick that up again! Not only just the tobacco, but the chemicals in them! It’s just so scary now! I hope you can really get to feeling better. You should love yourself, girlie! I promise you my life isn’t perfect. It’s a struggle every single day. I’m just trying to make the most of it. You have me as a friend tho! Don’t ever forget that. If you need anything, just let me know! You still have the most gorgeous eyes ever!!!! I love you! Xoxoxo

lovedogs51511
lovedogs51511
in reply to Hidden

Awww thank you dear friend!!! You are Soooooo awesome😊💗 Yea I'm wetting down the last few cigarettes! They have destroyed my life too and I'm done too. Not being able to breathe is scary. I'm sorry your daddy suffered all his life. Sounds like a great man!! Love you dear! Hang in there ill hang on if you do💗 Hugs for your pittie😄 Oh huge congrats on quitting smoking!!!! Your soooo strong😊😊

Life can be so tough and can really get you down, seems so unfair..i hope things work out for you. I always think tomorrow is another day and things can get better and I hope it does for you.

Seems like my whole life hasn't been fair cause everyone I talk to has had good times in life and honestly I have not ever. Keep wondering if God really does hate me?? Its one problem after one problem. Iv e been off alcohol 7.5 years and meth and crack for like around 15 years. Since getting sober life has been excruciatingly worse and going downhill. All I want is to do drugs to forget I'm alive to feel good for a bit but know that life will be hundreds times worse if I do that. Anyhoo waiting to be approved or denied an emotional support dog to help my life get better. Praying it will happen. I suffer extreme anxiety so I barely make it to work but after that I lock myself in my apt and can't go outside. I'm not living so I should be dead!! Thanks for writing!! Ill keep what you said in mind!

Oh my gosh! Reading through your posts and replies and I just have to say that you sound like such an amazing person. You may not see it but I certainly can. You are so strong to go through all that you go through! It's so hard to see things like that in ourselves but listen to the comments that are here for you. Lean into those positives. I'm just in awe that you have carried on through so much. Keep pressing on and fighting. I know it's tiring, there are days that I think I just can't or more honestly, just don't want to keep up the fight because it's so draining but somehow I get to the end of the day and realize I've done it. You can do and are doing it too! We're here for you, I'm here for you.

Wow your the amazing one silly!!! You made my day! Dealing with life since getting off alcohol and drug addiction I had 25 years was terrifying. I'm 7.5 years sober and life has been in the toilet since. My anxiety keeps me housebound unable to go outside. So hard going to work just for my coworkers to cause me more anxiety by hating my guts for no reason! I just my ass my whole shift. I take no breaks no lunch. Just 8 hours nonstop work and offer to help if needed. They still hate me??? Love to know what I did which is probably nothing they are just all bitches!!! Clickish young Mormons. I'm an outsider a non Mormon so Mormons treat outsiders like crap!!! Anyhoo thanks for Your caring ❤, understanding and kind words!!! Wish my mom had a heart and instead of belittling me, blaming me for everything and would just one time hug me and said those things you said. She has no feelings unless for men. I almost got ran over and killed but she says you need to be careful like its my fault he pulled out in front of me!!! Wtf??? I agree with how you said keeping up the fight is sooooo draining!!!' How do we do it??? Its beyond me. I cried to her the day he almost hit me and was terrified and my mom and brother just say are you in a better mood? Like please don't bitch me out again and again! Smartass comments like that make me want to run away. Sick of them making me out to be some whack job. They definitely know how to be constantly condescending and heartless when it comes to mental illness. They wouldn't treat me shitty if I was making great money oh Hell no. Money hungry family. Fake as all hell and shallow. Totally opposite of who I am. I'm beyond sorry I'm rambling cause I'm just fed up with life!!! I didn't mean to do that to you your such a dear!!! I apologize! Don't hate me!!! Hope to hear how your doing!!! Lets talk about you from now on!!!

Ramble all you want! That's what we're here for, so we can let it all out. I'm praying you get your dog. I'm a fellow dog lover myself and there are truly some days that the only thing that puts a smile on my face are my dogs. I get through my days just reminding myself that there's a purpose for all this. It's like hiking up a mountain (next to dogs I love being outdoors with nature, I find peace in that) while I'm hiking I'm constantly looking slightly down but also slightly ahead. I'm looking for those rocks and sticks that will trip me up. Then all of a sudden I reach a point at the top and look out at the amazing view! I made it! It seemed to take forever, I didn't think I could ever reach the top but keeping one foot stepping in front of the other I did it! You can do it too each day. Just keep moving forward. Sending you big virtual hugs!

I'm so sorry to hear the BS you are going through.

You're tough and I know you will get through it!

Keep your head up and do your best!

I have no choice but to deal with non stop shit or die! Thanks for Saying that dear Leigh!! Praying to stay alive not sure why tho????

You have patients and puppies to take care of!

I’m glad you chose to let it all out here. It’s funny I can’t sleep and that made me wonder about you (since you typically seem to not be able to sleep much)so I thought I’d check in here. I wish I knew the best thing to say I am just so so sorry about all you are going through. I would feel so angry and frustrated and sad. I feel like there has to be a change. I feel this in my life too in ways. I will pray for both of us. Hope you are getting sleep, sweet dreams.

Hiya Starr! I'm pretty awake cause I slept most of the day away

Thanks for your warm heart and kindness. Life has been shit since getting sober and all I want is a dog. my psych nurse I see finally wrote an amazing letter explaining why I need a dog and other amazing facts he threw in there making this possibility of getting dog pretty good. Never get too hopeful cause then bad things happen. I will feel great again cause I don't even care about being around ppl I love spending time with a dog!!! Like my last one Cheyenne! I hated being around anyone and would always worry Cheyenne was lonely and I always drove home to be with her!!! Thanks for the prayers as I pray for you too!😄🐾🐕

I’m so sorry Kacey I hear you that things are so rough and my heart goes out to you. Getting a dog sounds hopeful. I can defidently understand wanting to spend time with a dog ;they are so amazing with endless love to give. 🐶

I agree all I've ever wanted was to be able to have a dog to spoil and love endlessly!! I'm trying not to be to hopeful just in case the rental company crushes my soul. If they deny me I will fight them to no end!!! I will give them horrible review!!! I pray to God that I can have a best friend💗 I'm always miserable and barely leave my apt due to anxiety but I suffer 7 disabilities! I can't deal with this unless I have a dog. Ill most definitely kill myself!! No lie. I go to work and come home to empty and freezing cold apt. No friends and no family talks to me. Its like why the Hell am I even here? Well I hope your life is good. Give coco my love 💗💗 thanks Starr for being kind. Have a great night!

although I can't directly relate to your situation, just know that you are heard and you are important. I'm assuming you're in the nursing field since you mentioned "residents" and you're concerned with your other co workers not caring about the residents and acting heartless. Just by that, I can tell that you have a huge heart and i'm sorry that you have to face those challenges but hang in there, this world needs people like you

I truly appreciate that cause I'm crying my eyes out and things are just getting worse by the day. Thanks beyond words for your kindness!!! I work as a caregiver for the elderly. Doing home care now but tough finding ppl. I just wish my mother or any family member would care but I'm trying to deal with them only trying to give money,only,to continue being heartless!!!

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