Years of masterfully masking, suppressing, consuming myself with constantly being busy, and I finally couldn't control the anxiety and depression beneath the surface. I went to a therapist knowing my job was at stake because I could no longer control the panic attacks at work or socially interact well with anyone anymore. I couldn't afford more than a month of therapy (over $500) and eventually I lost my job. And then I lost my housing. Wanna know what happened when I told my "friends"? I was dismissed, told to "just stop" feeling that way, that I "didn't have it", because I had masked everything so well. I consumed myself with work and events and alcohol so as not to feel the hopelessness and nervousness that lingered beneath the surface but I finally broke. After losing my job, and after losing my housing, I can no longer control masking the anxiety and depression. It's heightened to a point that its chronic and apparent for everyone to see in the last three years, taking over my life everyday with panic attacks and suicidal thoughts. And now that I can't hide it, people notice it. I get it. I can no longer look you in the eye well, am jittery with interactions, close my door and can barely get out of bed to avoid everything that exacerbates these symptoms. But labeling me crazy and treating me like a leper only gives me more panic. Only disables me more. I have chronic fight or flight the second I hear any degrading comments whether they're really directed at me or not, and I either shutdown with the covers over my head or explode with slamming doors and outbursts. I can't control any of it anymore. I thought being transparent and vocal about my disorder with people would help, but apparently I can only do that with those who empathise because there's no compassion with those who can't. If it wasn't for the support of my partner's family, we would be homeless on the street or couch surfing. But I always hear them talking about me and calling me crazy. I feel like I can hear just about everyone calling me weird, or crazy because that's what's equated with being anti-social and anxious. The neighbors hear the fights and now know that I'm "crazy" and have instructed their kids not to come near my window. Yesterday I heard them daring each other to go take pics of the crazy lady for their social media and neighborhood gossip. This has taken things to a new level of something called agoraphobia. I can barely face anyone anymore. I am sick of the lack of empathy and compassion from society. Tired of the isolation. Feel like there's no future because there's no acceptance for something that's out of my control. And relentlessly worried that my daily survival is constantly at stake without a job or the funds to provide my own shelter. I'm so lost in seeing any future. Therapy on a sliding scale is still too expensive. I can't socially interact well with others anymore. All I can see and hear is their degrading behavior and commentary, their judgement, their rejection for my awkward social cues and symptoms that are involuntary. And this is a death sentence in society. Impossible to get and keep a job like this. Impossible to be left alone. Somebody please show me some light because I can't see it anymore. Thank you.