I remember..I was making progress every day. The high of my anxiety had passed. I was solely dealing with my confidence & little fears that came out of habit. One day I came home from work and said to Jake (my fiancé) "can I talk to you about my day?" He said "sure, talk to me" I began to cry... this is what I said
"I woke up today and felt so anxious. I couldn't shake it! Then I went to work and felt anxious still.... my eyes were twitching and I felt crazy and embarrassed. I just want this anxiety to be OVER. Why did I have to let myself get THIS BAD?! I wish I could've stopped myself before the panic attack that made it all worse. I wish I would of stopped myself from getting on the internet and making myself believe I had every mental illness or disease I read. Why did I do this? What if I'm not strong enough to get through this??? I ruined my life"
He said to me...
"It's not your fault"
At first I was kind of mad. Why tell me "it's not your fault" after I just vented for 5 minutes and I'm crying. Don't you have MORE to say?? I wanted him to make me feel better.
"Part of the reason your anxiety is lingering is because you don't trust yourself anymore. You feel like because it got SO bad that it was your fault for letting that happen. That's not true. You had a tired body and mind. You experienced symptoms you've never had. You reacted by worrying... and then it's snowballed. It could of happened to anyone. Stop blaming yourself. Believe in yourself again."
I just sat there and took in the words he said. It was so true... ever since the anxiety happened to me I look at myself in such a negative light. I feel weak, I feel scared, I feel embarrassed for all the irrational fears, I feel lost. And I blame myself for letting myself get that bad.
He then said to me
"So all of your day was anxiety? ALL day? 100%? You had a shitty day?"
I sat there... I thought for a minute
"No it wasn't all anxiety... just the morning lasted for a couple hours.. then it happened again on my way home and I felt helpless"
"You need to think about your progress. BE POSITIVE and proud of yourself! You've barely had any anxiety today but anxiety is all you're focusing on! You need to take a minute every day to realize how far you've come! You're defeating anxiety and you don't even realize it. The anxiety would leave faster if you would remember to be positive and stop giving it power"
Guys. Do you see? The anxiety wants us to feel helpless... we get so sucked into anxiety's lies that we don't see the truth!!! Be compassionate with yourself. Keeping a diary helped me
Every night I would write down what I learned from anxiety. That's right LEARNED. Because guess what? Anxiety is a learning EXPERIENCE and it teaches us things every day. To be nicer to ourselves, to believe in ourselves, to not overreact, etc.
I hope you all start writing down what you've learned and I hope you start complimenting yourself for your progress instead of bashing yourself for having setbacks. The road to recovery is a bumpy one but at least you're moving forward.