Broken

I made this to vent how I’ve been feeling and tell a story. It seems like nobody really understands. I want to keep this blog anonymous for once. Only a few people I know IRL will get the link. I used an alt email and won’t link social media.
My bestfriends and Him. Since it’s anonymous I will refer to my ex as Him.
I was with Him for 7 years. It was good and bad. Over the years, it seemed to get a bit dull. But I was happy. I loved Him more than anything else. My depression occasionally took over. But I would always do anything for Him. I felt we were meant to be because we always got through the thick and thin. I used to hurt myself when I was 16 and a bit after. But he got me through that. I was never “better.” But he has no idea how much he got me through. 
He has anger problems. He claims I push his buttons. But I’ve never tried to. I just don’t like being controlled. It’s a fight or flight. I always choose fight. My mom ingrained that in me. She made me so angry and when she would come at me drunk. I couldn’t let her have her way. I refused. It wasn’t quite the same with Him. Maybe part of me did want to be punished. Just because I hate myself. Because I believed all the things He said when He was upset. I loved him so much. I believe him if he said I was too lazy or worthless. I mean, I don’t drive or have my GED. I just lost my one good job. But maybe that wasn’t meant to be.
I refused to believe me and Him weren’t meant to be.
I wanted an open relationship first. It came from not feeling wanted. I didn’t know maybe it could ruin everything eventually. I hurt Him with the first try at being open. I regret that and would change it if I could. When I started adult work, He had more options. I think He was bitter when I had somebody and He didn’t. I didn’t know how that felt until a girl, we will call her O, was with him in Vegas during the expo. He seemed to care more about her then me. Leaving me in the hotel one night because I wasn’t 21 yet. After my plans canceled, to go out with her. He apologized and promised not to but girls before me again.
I met somebody who was poly. He, B, tricked me into wanting it as well. I regret this the most. Because I know I hurt Him. It wasn’t worth it. After months I realized it was a mistake. That B wasn’t worth it. I wanted Him and nobody else.
But we stayed open. I nearly wanted to close our relationship right then and there. But He said he couldn’t. I brought Him into this. But now we were stuck. The swinging was still fun. I met so many good friends, including my bestfriend M.
I’m not sure I was ever comfortable seeing Him or hearing about Him with other girls. Not just sex. But I wasn’t ever jealous. I can’t explain the feeling. Not hurt. But closer to scared. I couldn’t lose Him.
I was not always happy. But it wasn’t Him. Never Him that caused unhappiness. It was my Depression and my, at times, debilitating Anxiety. I had been switched from dozens and dozens of meds. Hoping to find something that works. I found something that made my Anxiety hold me back less. I was still afraid to drive, ride a bike. But those were now phobias. But my Depression stuck. Nothing seemed to help. My only thing that gave me hope was Him. I couldn’t lose Him.

He left after a fight. The cops were called by a neighbor. They made Him leave and go to work.
I hoped when He got off work we could talk. Make plans to fix how our relationship had turned. Talk. But when He left that day, it was for good. My heart ripped apart. 
This wasn’t the first time we took a break. But each day that passed made it more real. I hoped and hoped that He would realize we had something to fix. 7 years together, that can’t be all wasted. I knew he still loved me.
Then He said the bomb that shattered my heart completely. If He got back with me, He wouldn’t have a chance with her. “If I get back with you, then I can’t be with C.” How He said it seemed like there was still a chance for me and Him. But there was her. C.
I had been letting Him see her. Since we were open. He told me she didn’t want a relationship. But they started spending more time together. More than He let me spend with B. Of course, I could have seen somebody too. I had options. But my depression was bad and all I wanted was Him. I hoped He would hold me at night. But it didn’t happen. He started picking her over my feelings. I should have known. Maybe I could have done something to fix it. The night I told Him I was severely depressed, He went out with her anyway. I cried and cried until I fell asleep. But woke and cried some more.
That pain was nothing compared to this. I’m shattered. Broken. I had been building my self-esteem slowly. Now it is crushed along with my heart. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. My fiancé, the man I loved for 7 years, was gone. And another girl got to have Him.
I lost.
The worst part is that I would have let Him date her. If He said he wanted to spend more time with her, I would have said it’s ok. I’m the one who let Him see her…
Thinking about them drives me crazy. I lashes out at Him and her. This wasn’t fair. I started having nightmares of them together. Then dreams of how it used to be with me and Him. I’m not sure which was worse. 
And He won’t let me blame her. But why not? She knew we were together. He claims He didn’t tell her much about our relationship. So she wouldn’t know about his anger. She didn’t see how we were each day. Especially on the good days. How we would laugh and be goofy. It was true love, or it wouldn’t have lasted 7 years. She never told him to try to fix things. She never said it might be wrong to be with her instead of me. She could have seen that this is nearly the definition of “home-wrecking.” Getting between us and ruining our family. She could have stepped back. Not encouraged this. I would NEVER let a man walk away from somebody after that long for me. No matter what. I was the one who let them go out. I let Him talk to her. Then I get stabbed in the back.
But I know it is His decision. I just can’t take it. I refuse to believe all is lost. There is a fix to this. It wasn’t 7 years wasted. The man I am completely in love with can’t be gone forever…
I can’t stop thinking about what I could have changed in the past. Situations where I should have treated him better. Anything that could have prevented this.

My anxiety has become debilitating again. I cannot stop crying. I cannot eat, I have to force myself. Then my stomach is in knots. My depression is sinking. But I’m trying. I won’t let it end me. I am getting help. I want to be happy. I am doing this for me.
But my piece of happiness left and is gone. I just keep going because I hope more than anything He isn’t gone for good

2 Replies

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  • If is meant to be he will come back. For now focus on yourself and your health and go out have fun and meet new people. The only one suffering here is you and that's not fair. I know is hard but you have to be strong.

    Take care

  • I am in a very similar situation. I grew up with a mom who lived for the man in her life. If he didn't love her or left, or just simply avoided her, she was devastated. I fell into the same pattern over and over again. My anxiety goes crazy and I become an emotional wreck. I have 4 children and I realized today that I have to show them that no matter what happens in life, with a significant other or a job or any kind of downfall in life that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That we can go on and choose to be happy for ourselves, not just for them or because of them. Believe me, I know it's way harder than it sounds. I'm struggling​ myself, but it was a real revelation for me. I'm so tired of thinking that a man is the end all to my happiness. I was devastated when my parents and grandparents passed. But one thing that sticks in my mind is my mom telling me that happiness is a choice and that's all she wanted for me, just like love is an action. We can chose to love those that make us unhappy or reject us but that really is choosing to be unhappy. Life is too short to live this way. We deserve better and need to realize we are in charge of that, noone else. You have what it takes to move forward and make good decisions for yourself and if he chooses to come along for the ride, then you know he is the one. If he doesn't, then there is someone else out there for you, or maybe this is time you need to take for you. To reflect on what truly makes you happy without anyone else, that way wether it's him or someone else that comes along, you can make sure they are right for you and then they can't take that happiness from you ever again. You seem to truly want someone that wants you for you and having an open relationship may have been a mistake but only you can change that. I hope this gives you some insight on who you want to be for you not for anyone else. I'm learning, slowly, that loving someone else is not the end all to life. Loving yourself brings the one who will love you unconditionally to you. I wish you the best and am here to talk anytime 😃

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