I can't seem to let it go No matter how I try it's suffocating

[AChildOfGod]

I was in a relationship with a man in prison for double life. I knew this at the beginning and we hit it off strong. At the time I had a son and was very excited and dedicated to the love. After a year or so I began to sink into a deep depression. Feeling the love that we had could only be from a distance, never fully beginning mine in the flesh. A person I looked up to spiritually brought me to a realization I could never be anything good for him in the mind state I was in. He gave me life and happiness. I would get sick a life without him in it in the flesh. I made the decision to stop everything with this man I was so deeply in love with. I stopped answering calls and responding to his letters. I eventually moving on to be with my second child's father never getting rid of anything Charles and I had. 2 years later he found me on Facebook and still tried to pursue a life with me. I was so ashamed I could only communicate at a distance in fear my unforgivable actions had changed his view of me. At this time I had been with my second child's father for 3 years and we were very rocky. A year later he got out of jail after 20years a moved back to his home town not long after I let everything go and moved a few miles away from him with my sister! I pursued him diligently probably the way he did when I just stopped contact. But he did not love me or want anything to do with me anymore, I deserved that. Later I learned he was in love and due to be married it was like a dagger in My heart. The fear of never being able to have him I'm the flesh was a very real heartbreaking reality. Being he was in the free world and in love with another woman! I cry typing this because no one really knows how I feel I cried so much then he was my only personal example of beginning loved hole heartedly. I eventually moved on as well getting married a few years later having 2 more kids buy my husband. I needed that love, I expected that kind of love and more from the man I will be with for the rest of my life. He gave me the complete opposite and still to this day. I have never been loved the way this man loved me, and we never seen each other face to face touched hands or anything. It was only long distance but I know he loved me for everything I was the good and bad. He showed me in every way that mattered. To this very day I wish I would have done things so different, and now I will never get another chance he is happily in love with a awesome woman, and he deserves just that! But for me I have never felt that love from anyone ever again and it kills me knowing that could have been me but I was never good enough for that breathtaking love. The one man that ever loved me 100% was never ment to be with me. The man that chose me as a wife would not show me half of that love. Now only love & happiness I feel comes from my kids I feel like I wasted my life on fear now I have to live the rest of it lonely never having another chance at true love. Some days I cry myself to sleep and as soon as I open my eyes they fill with tears. I wish he didn't hate me. I wish I did things differently I wish I could let go. I wish it could just be a tough like any other. It's suffocating me taking over my mind and emotions I have 4 son's to live for to smile for and be grateful for why do I hate my life!?