Tough times

Hello there folks, new to this group, and have been battling some awful, mind numbing depressive feelings as of late. This group was recommended to me by a friend, it's weird; I seek social communication and understanding from total strangers, as I am far too uncomfortable to talk with family or friends about any of this. So here it is.

About a year ago, I had it all. I was engaged, baby on the way, good job in the ski industry, looking at buying a house. Every single day was better than the one before. One day, I happened to notice that my fiance's belly wasn't getting any rounder, as I had kind of expected to happen. I asked her about it, and, all non-chalantly, she said that he had had an abortion. Totally mind blown. Didn't know what to say. To do. It had been about a month since she first told me about the abortion, when I found out that not only was she sleeping around, but that she was moving back to Vermont with this guy she met, online of all places!

After she left, this rollercoaster started going downhill fast. I started drinking more than a body should, I had a hard time focusing at work (which led to my eventually being laid off), and worst of all, I started lying to friends and family about how everything was fine, work was fine, life was fine. Fine, fine, fine. The worst word in the English language.

In October of 2016, I was laid off from my job, in the wake of pour sales numbers and an observed general lack of interest. No money coming in, I lost my home and was forced to take up residence at a homeless shelter in Boulder.

Didn't have too many options at this point, but somehow my parents found out about my trying times, cane to Boulder and moved me and my meager supplies home, where I have been living since early December.

Things were starting to look up. I found work in a totally new environment as opposed to ski and snowboard industry, had bought a semi-new car, had made some friends and done my best to stop thinking about Amanda. In January, I got a DUI. That brought everything to a head. Crazy crash, a huge tree came through the windshield, missing my head by a few inches. I walked away from a crash that I should not have lived through, and am plagued by dreams of the tree each and every night.

So, I guess what I'm looking for, is someone who understands my story and the trouble and pain that not only myself, but those closest to me have been through. How do to cope? How do I take steps to righting the ship, and recreating that super positive, outgoing person that I was, just a short time ago? I miss that guy, he was a good dude...

5 Replies

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  • So sorry you are going through this!

  • I am glad I came to this site as well. I know what it's like to say "Fine" . I remember talking to a peer support line once, and he said that falling down is like a hiccough in life. This gentleman was a veteran. I am sorry that you went through all that, but the nice part is that you have your family. I have a magnet on my fridge that says Falling Down is part of life, getting back up is living.

  • Sound advice from that magnet, maybe I need one of those!

  • I got it from a company called quotable magnets. Whole Foods sells them also.

  • I struggled a lot with drinking when my depression/ anxiety were at their worst. I understand your struggle. It took me a couple of years to get my depression and anxiety under control and realized the drinking was actually holding me back. Once I acknowledged and acted on that, those haunts ebbed into the background. I still have PTSD nightmares once in a while but it's no longer a waking nightmare when I'm not drinking. It took no small amount of perseverance to sort through the feelings that were so incredibly overwhelming by building my strength back up with the help of friends and family, a therapist and wilful act of making myself socialize, not hide.

    Personally, I needed purpose, a goal. Something to feel (really feel) passionate about to shift my numb, humiliated, bitter self into the frame of mind capable of attempting to better myself, I knew I was just swimming around in the bottom of the barrel at that point. Being self sufficient again, finding my independence and being responsible was my first goal. It followed closely with getting healthy too. I decided if I was going to fail it couldn't be any worse than what I'd already lived through. So I got myself an apartment and a dog. I go to church, work M-F and use social media to stay connected with friends and family when I haven't seen them in a while.

    You'll get there. Keep looking and you'll find your way.

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