My bf is a narcissist. He has extreme high ego and over the years it has taken a drain on me. I became the pleaser and apologizing even though i was not wrong. I wanted to have his love and attention i feel like a beggar. I feel so low self condident now. He always use break up to threaten me. I have thought of moving on and finding another bf as a comfort but he just uses it as me being disloyal and the reason i deserve to be treated this way. One week ago i found out that he was lying and cheating to me ever since we got tgt. He was with another girl the same time as me, idk what i am to him now and i feel pity for him that it might be because he has narcissistic personaloty disorder but i cant do anything he is just shutting me out and when i recover he always manage to pull me in again to emotionally torture me. I have anxiety and depression half a year ago and its back even worse recently, i cant help feeling tensed, i tremble and i cry out of nothing, i feel like im easily agitated, many suicide thoughts a day and i think im in danger of losing my job, i have no idea how to spiral out of this negativity. The mental hospital in my country is very expensive and i dont want people to think im crazy. I dont know what to do and i have noone to turn to. Ive been taking antidepressant and anxiety tablets and it doesnt seem to help at all i would still wake up in nightmares jumping of fright in the middle of the night and i cant seem to get out of this. I have difficulty breathing and i feel very tensed up. How can i help myself before the suicide demon eats me up totally?