Think im going crazy

[Xiaoennix]

My bf is a narcissist. He has extreme high ego and over the years it has taken a drain on me. I became the pleaser and apologizing even though i was not wrong. I wanted to have his love and attention i feel like a beggar. I feel so low self condident now. He always use break up to threaten me. I have thought of moving on and finding another bf as a comfort but he just uses it as me being disloyal and the reason i deserve to be treated this way. One week ago i found out that he was lying and cheating to me ever since we got tgt. He was with another girl the same time as me, idk what i am to him now and i feel pity for him that it might be because he has narcissistic personaloty disorder but i cant do anything he is just shutting me out and when i recover he always manage to pull me in again to emotionally torture me. I have anxiety and depression half a year ago and its back even worse recently, i cant help feeling tensed, i tremble and i cry out of nothing, i feel like im easily agitated, many suicide thoughts a day and i think im in danger of losing my job, i have no idea how to spiral out of this negativity. The mental hospital in my country is very expensive and i dont want people to think im crazy. I dont know what to do and i have noone to turn to. Ive been taking antidepressant and anxiety tablets and it doesnt seem to help at all i would still wake up in nightmares jumping of fright in the middle of the night and i cant seem to get out of this. I have difficulty breathing and i feel very tensed up. How can i help myself before the suicide demon eats me up totally?

[awanna]

Hi..I actually smiled while reading your post..Why is because I was actually reading my own story sometime ago..One that has contributed to my anxiety disorder now..I on the other hand got married to him..Let me tell you this..The best thing for you is to get out now because he will never see himself for the person he is and insulting you or have you actually apologize for what you did not do..Is what he thrives on and this will only led you to self destruct..How I did it..I decided to stand up for me..I decided to open my eyes and take a first step..I can't do it you my dear but what I can tell you if I did it you can too..You are worth far more than insults and disrespect..There is better out there my dear and you surely do deserve it..Take your first step to self love and remember God made you special and you should be treated like that..It's not easy I know..But look on God and there is nothing impossible for you to do.. Suicide should never be an option our lives are too precious for that.. Good luck and God's blessings

[BrookeMDraper in reply to awanna]

I agree. Leave the bastard.