Just Me...

[sclark1139]

Hello. I'm new here but not new to anxiety, depression or suicidal thoughts. I first realized that I had some problems when I graduated from high school. On the night of my graduation, after all the pomp and circumstance was over, all my friends were celebrating with other friends and their families, but not me. I drove around recklessly until the wee hours of the morning sobbing and wishing I could die. I felt that nobody loved me and that I was unworthy of being loved. Nothing had happened to trigger the panic attack and nobody even knew I was alone and driving and feeling so hopeless. My family thought I was with my friends and my friends thought I was with my family. I have never told anyone about that night until now. It was the beginning of my future dealing with these horrible feelings of hopelessness followed by manic periods of reckless spending and behavior. I might have even had this my whole life and just realized at that very moment, on graduation night, at age 17, that I was suffering from depression, anxiety and had a bipolar disorder. Now, at age 46, I still suffer from these conditions and am still seeking help and support, from faithfully taking my meds to finding this group.

Anyway, as time progresses in this support group, I hope to be able to share more of my story with you all and hopefully find some peace in this storm called depression.

[TAPNewEngland]

Hi sclark1139. I just joined too and we're about the same age with some similar circumstances. I think I had anxiety and panic disorder since high school and manifested about 10 years ago. I do get periods of anxiousness, crying fits, anger, etc. I was diagnosed with anxiety and panic attacks and do take my meds faithfully. Hang in there and do realize that there are many people out there that are like us.

[sclark1139 in reply to TAPNewEngland]

Thank you for your reply! It is very nice to know that someone understands how horrible these conditions can be.

[TAPNewEngland in reply to sclark1139]

Absolutely and it's a daily battle. Email at any time.

[ande1455]

Thanks for sharing. Reading about your struggles was very helpful. I thought about how long you've been facing these problems. At first I felt overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel like I'll never survive that long. But then I thought that I'll just take it one day at a time. I imagine that's how you did it. Best of luck.

[sclark1139]

Yes, one day at a time is the only way I can make it through life. Sometimes, honestly, it's nearly all I can handle at just one hour at a time, and on really bad days, each hour can feel as though it's longer than eternity. Although I've dealt with this for many years, I do still have really bad days. On the good days, I just try to make them the very best days to make up for the bad ones. Crazy thought, but it's how I survive. My husband doesn't really understand. He's very patient and kind, but he just can't imagine the thoughts that rush through my head. I think about how my daughter's and his life would probably be so much better without my sick mind to deal with. I know they would never see it that way but I do think like that when we argue. My daughter is almost 13 so you can just imagine how those arguments go from time to time. And, my husband tries not to argue but we still do, all good marriages have arguments. But, when I'm hurt or sad, I tend to take any little disagreement to the extreme thought that their lives would be better with me gone. I have never tried to commit suicide but I have planned it a few times and never get farther than just in my head what to do. It scares me to think about it though. A therapist once told me that as long as it scares me and I can acknowledge that it scares me, then I'm probably not going to hurt myself. She said the people that do commit suicide are usually the ones that never talk about it and never plan it. Most of them just snap and do it with no prior warning. I don't know about that but I'm afraid of leaving my family behind. I really don't want my child or my husband to be hurt from my selfishness but I can admit that the thoughts are real and they do scare me sometimes. Sorry, I'm rambling!