Where do I go from here?

Hello, I am new to this community and found it after searching for options on the NHS website. I am a young mother living with my partner and daughter. I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression in November 2011 and was moved from anti-depressant to anti-depressant before I stopped taking them. At that time I was pressured into stopping all mental health care by my controlling family. Over the past few months my depression has become a lot worse. Everyday I feel completely useless, I feel worthless, I am emotional and 2-6 times a day I will break down into uncontrollable fits of tears which usually lead to a panic attack and endless vomiting. The longest period of time this happened for was from 10am to 8pm during August. When I am hysterical, my whole body feels numb, I feel weak, my head becomes unbearably painful, I start to become paranoid that someone will come and take my daughter away from us and I feel as if I want nothing more than to die. I have developed a social phobia, I can not speak to strangers or I become very distressed, I feel physically sick at the thought of leaving the house incase I run into someone I know, I am extremely paranoid that my mother is going to appear at my house to verbally abuse me or that she will try to contact me through my phone to abuse me (which she does regularly). I can barely look after myself as I have absolutely no motivation to have showers, to do my hair, to get dressed or to eat. I don't eat during the day and then binge eat on junk food with my partner when he is at home. I am absolutely obsessed with cleanliness in the house and become extremely distressed when the house is unclean, untidy or my partner has moved things in the house.

I currently work part-time caring for my elderly grandfather. I work night shifts as we need the money. We wouldn't be able to survive if I didn't work but I find doing so extremely stressful and distressing. We are also in a lot of debt because of my mental health. I have not been able to cope with budgeting and looking after our money. It has left us in a bad position and I can not even begin to start resolving this at the moment because I just feel confused by the money. I am unable to work out what we need and what we will have because my mind is all over the place. I won't let my partner take over because I am afraid to. I don't know why but that is how I feel. I have been feeling extremely confused all the time and I can't understand the simplest statements anymore. I do absolutely everything for my daughter, we make sure she has absolutely everything she needs, we play together all the time and my main fear is that someone is going to hear everything about my mental health and then take my daughter away from me when I know we are amazing parents.

I suffered from a verbal, emotional and mentally abusive home life for as long as I can remember. Everyday my mother would sit me in the kitchen from after school until late in the evening to scream in my face and tell me how pathetic I was. At primary school I was sat at a wall throughout the summer to do up to 50 11+ practise papers. I wasn't allowed outside or to have any friends. If I didn't understand something I was called a "pathetic little c***t" or a "stupid f***ker". The truth was my mother didn't understand the questions either and she would take it out on me. From a young age I remember my parents fighting all day and I was 8-11 when this was happening. My brother is 2 years younger than me and we would sit in my room hugging, screeching and absolutely terrified. If we dared to leave the room we were torn apart for crying, mum would make fun of us and call us horrible names. No one ever came to check on us and we were terrified. As I got older the verbal abuse got a lot worse. I wasn't allowed to have friends whose parents were divorced as they were "f***ked up", I wasn't allowed protestant friends as my parents hate them, my parents would make fun of my clothes, my weight, my appearance, my makeup, my friends, my music etc. Basically anything they could make fun of. I was constantly told how pathetic I was, how I was stupid/a retard, how I would never get anywhere in life and how my friends would get bored of my "bullshit" and would turn their backs on me. I was bullied at school for almost 3 years and had no friends. It got to the point were a girl pushed me down the stairs, they would hit me, push me off my chair, pull me off chairs by my hair, pull my hair out, kick me, nip me, put my bag in the bin, steal my PE kit, take my books from my bag and bin them, take my books and destroy them, write LRG (lesbian retard goth) over everything I owned, bullied me through Bebo, through text and even through notes in class. I felt absolutely miserable and when I finally told my parents they accused me of lying and how I was an attention seeker. They went to my school who told them I was lying because the main girl doing the bullying was "too intelligent to be a bully". My mum would constantly make fun of me over this. I would sit everyday screeching because if I tried to defend myself I was torn apart further. I was blamed for ruining our family, for ruining my parents marriage and for giving the family a bad name when I did nothing wrong. I started self harming from 13-17 and have relapsed with self harm in August when I felt extremely low. When I was 15 I was grounded for 6 months and locked in my bedroom for failing Maths at school. I was only allowed to leave for school, to eat and the bathroom. I wasn't allowed to see friends, I had no phone, I wasn't allowed to use the computer even for school work and at school I would get in a lot of trouble for not doing coursework and I was terrified of telling them what was going on at home, my friends were told to get "off the property" and this gave my parents an excuse to constantly make fun of me and tell me how pathetic I was, how the school didn't even want me, how I was a disgrace to the family etc. I had absolutely no self confidence after years of being told how pathetic I was and I was an easy target for bullies outside of school because I was gothic and bisexual. I received abuse through Bebo and had boys from another school come to my home to threaten me. At 14 I started to drink everynight in my bedroom alone and it wasn't until 15 that the drugs started (cocaine, mephedrone and ecstasy). I would sit in school all day shaking to get home to become numb to everyone that hated me and the bullies who asked me numerous times to do everyone a favour and commit suicide. I did attempt suicide on 3 occasions but they were all futile. My parents turned a blind eye to this all. I left school at 16 but left with 10 GCSE's to prove them all wrong and then completed my ALevels in college.

There's so much more I could say but that is the bulk of everything that I just can't let go. My mum still attempts to control me. She used to come to my house last year when I was at College studying a Foundation Degree and would start bombarding me with texts to ask why my blinds were closed etc. She still makes fun of my weight, how I look and even said my daughter didn't have a baby smell once which just tore my heart out because my little girl is bathed everynight and I am obsessed with cleaning. She knows that so I think she said it because she knew I would react to it. My parents get me alone at their house and start to make fun of my partner and how "stupid" he is when that is untrue. When my younger brother gets in trouble it is blamed on me because I was a "lunatic" and "off the rails" as a teenager. I always felt suicidal and depressed but my mother refused to take me to my GP for this as she said everyone with mental illness were lunatics and should be locked away. She said if I was prescribed antidepressants then I would have to find a new home. This was said to me roughly every week from I was 13 so I covered everything up and lied to myself. It wasn't until I was living with my partner that my whole life came crashing down and I realised how my home life was not normal.

I just need help because I don't want to feel this desperate anymore. I am taking my anger and lack of patience out on my partner and I feel as if I am turning into my mother. I was pressured by her to stop all treatment for my mental health because she would say continuously how there was nothing wrong with me and how it was all in my head so I felt ashamed. I can't go to my GP about this as he has broken me and my sisters confidentiality in the past and my mother is a health care professional. My mum also works for the GP in our town that covers my area of the town and the closest doctor after that is 40 minutes away by car with no traffic so that isn't an option. I have already sought help from the Samaritans but they simply said they could not help me and MIND never responded to my email. I have absolutely no one, my partner doesn't understand and I have nothing to do with the majority of people I was friends with before having my daughter because they are mainly drug users. I really don't know where to turn from here, I don't care when people start telling me about the beauty of life because I am beyond caring with that and I feel as if my only option is suicide. I have discussed moving away with my partner but we wouldn't have the money for 2-3 years and that seems like a lifetime away. Just to escape my parents so they wouldn't have as much control over my life. Thanks for reading and I apologise this is so long.

2 Replies

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  • hi kitten, you have, despite everything , survived due to your own efforts and achieved so much. I am proud of you and even more so for having the courage to find and join this group and write about your life.

    You are not worthless and you are not useless.

    you wrote -

    "I do absolutely everything for my daughter, we make sure she has absolutely everything she needs, we play together all the time... I know we are amazing parents." I have no doubt that you are.

    You know that what your parents did and continue to do is wrong and no-one should have to go through it.

    Equally wrong are the poisonous words, and they are not true of you. do not accept what they say and do not believe any of it - this is easier to say than do, but every one you dismiss as b*llshit diminishes the power to hurt you now and in the future. No need to tell them.

    By using the same words and phrases over & over they know what as the strongest effect, If you don't accept that they are true, then eventually they cant hurt you any more.

    You need the anti-depressants, please give them time to work.

    You also need counselling to help you deal with your past present and future - and you do have a future,

    you will have many more happy times with your daughter

    and, once they get your meds right, you will feel more able to begin to experience a life outside your home when you are ready [small steps].

    You might think this is hot air and not possible, but I have a friend who through reasons of a similar way but escaped to a relationship that carried on in the same way. Many of the feelings you have were the same as she described. I believe that you will find the happiness that she now has.

    You feel numb but that is how our mind keeps us safe.

    Practically, if you look on your local council website and type in "advocate" you should find a number for someone who will act for you on your behalf to liaise with the different agencies who can help you with your money problems - such as a welfare benefits advisor. everything is totally confidential and they work for you not the council.

    The nearest gp is too far, but do you have dial-a-ride service? it would be hard I know, but you need more help than the brilliant, caring, people here can give - you will never be alone again now you have found this group. People read at different hours/days so don't despair if you don't get a response right away - someone will answer.

    Regards your fear about your daughter - she knows she is loved,

    If she is content, fed, washed and clothed, she is not being neglected and no-one can take her away from you.

    I hope some of this might be of help.

    keep in touch,

    sandra

  • Hi Kitten,

    I agree with everything that Sandra has stated, please get some further medical advice.

    Also please dont worry about losing your daughter because of your illness, you are a good mum and obviuously a very caring one.

    I would also try and get some counselling sorted out to help.

    Im new to this site myself so apologise for the sort reply. I am not a medical professional and can only offer advice as a fellow sufferer and also from my own experiences.

    Please keep in touch with the site.

    Nicky xx

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