Why do I walk away?

[marigold22]

I have worked very happily in a charity shop for five shifts now. Today (Saturday) I arrived as usual (for my 6th shift) at 1pm; my shift was ending at 5pm. Within one hour I had been verbally abused & criticised at least three times by a male volunteer. Also, the lady manager who had previously told me how quick I was to learn, was very tetchy. Perhaps she was having a bad day. After one hour I went outside, contemplated, considered, analysed and knew I felt angry and upset. At 2.30pm I walked out. Later on, the manager phoned me but I didn't pick up. Two hours later she sent a text apologising for the man's behaviour & said she had talked to him about his demeanour.

I always seem to walk away. I said to a friend this evening that I've had emotional and mental abuse from birth (my father) and from two ex husbands. I walked away from all three and never ever regretted it. Now I've walked away from a volunteering job that I was really enjoying up until today. It makes me wonder if I have historical fear of abuse and I feel I have no alternative but to flee quickly. How do other folk stand up to bullies? It's now 10.15pm and I'm still angry and upset.

[Rosepetal60]

Hi Marigold22, I feel you may be a sensitive person and things get to you more than some other people. I'm sensitive too and it's taken me many years to harden up a bit. But although I could stand up to a bully for a friend, I don't think or know if I could stand up up to a bully myself. I do fully understand you being upset and angry about what has happened. I would be the same. But I do hope you will go back to the Charity shop as its good to be in surroundings where you can help and make a difference. The manager has responded and recognised the male member volunteer being at fault. And up to that point of him being a pain, you were doing fine and enjoying the job, so don't let him spoil it for you, because you are a much better person than he is.

[sweetiepye]

I have also had this type of problem and would solve it by running away. Once I realized I was letting these idiots control my life I began to find ways of standing up to them. What works best for me is to stay calm and put it back on them. If they try to tell me what to do I will ask if the information comes from them or Mrs. Boss. If they criticize my work I say Mrs Boss likes it. Anything that lets them know that their opinion doesn't matter to you. So if I liked the work I would go back. I have become like one of those terrier dogs. I may not be fearsome but I will nip at your ankles endless till your walking on stumps. Pam

[alfie19]

I am sending prayers to you well done for working at the charity shop please do not blame yourself for walking away you did the right thing standing up to your values speak to the Manager and if you want to go back which I am sure you do as you enjoyed it so much ask if you could work there but not on the same shift as the male who bullied you. If this can not be done then ask can you work in a different area away from him also ask her what if the same thing happens again what should you do. Remember you gave up your valuable time and need respect not to be insulted hope things get sorted soon big hugs to you x

[marigold22]

Thanks you everyone for your kind and helpful words. I will take a couple of days to work out whether I feel safe enough to return to that shop. x

[Hidden in reply to marigold22]

I hope you do

.

[Finglas-Boy]

At the bottom of all this aggro seems to be the fact that you were abused. Speaking as a Trustee of a major NGO, there's no excuse for this & I see the hesitancy of the manager to get involved to be as much to blame. Contact the head office of the charity & get it sorted. You seem to being chastised for something that is not your fault.

[marigold22 in reply to Finglas-Boy]

Thank you Finglas-Boy for replying and it's very interesting to have your views as a Trustee of a major NGO. It's a complicated story as the manager on Saturday is in fact a floating stand in manager as the permanent manager of that particular branch is away on long term sick leave. She is due back very soon. The floating manager was the one who interviewed me and took me on; and I have only ever worked under her management. I guess I could wait for the permanent manager to return and speak to her. No doubt this temp manager will tell the permanent one about the fiasco I will PM you with the name of the charity.... I hope it's not yours !!

[kenster1]

hi.dont give up something you enjoy have clear the air talks with the people involved and try and put it behind you.if it happens again ask to be transferred to another shop rather than quit.you walked away from two husbands for the right reasons so don't look at it as if your walking out on the charity.

[marigold22 in reply to kenster1]

Hi kenster1 I have decided not to return, particularly as I have only recently recovered from a 30+ year illness which the NHS were unable to get their heads around..... Hashimoto's Thyroiditis. If I get upset or stressed, my endocrine glands (thyroid and adrenals) reduce output and I get bad symptoms. Thank you all again for wonderful and considered replies.

[kenster1 in reply to marigold22]

that's a shame but your health is more important.lets hope you find something with less stress in the future to bring you happiness.

[rossie1942]

I think that you are best to let dust settle. It is easier said than done having talks to clear the air although I agree that that is right thing to do. Personally, I would not have the courage to confront people. Ring the manager middle of next week when you are feeling less upset and ask for change of shift away from this guy. Sadly it can sometimes be a very vulnerable person who humiliates others. They are so churned up inside that they see new comers as a threat and behave awful towards them.Bet manager would rather have you on board than him.Good luck

[marigold22 in reply to rossie1942]

Yes rossie1942 , as I walked past the manager woman who was at the till, she said "we need as many good people as we can get A....(my name)" I said "Yes J.... (her name), I know that" and kept walking. I have now drafted a text to send her Monday morning. It was not only the way the man spoke to me, the female manager had insulted me too.

My prepared text : "I won’t be returning to *name of charity*. On Saturday unfortunately it wasn’t just (name of the man) who caused upset, there were a variety of reasons. For my own sanity, I walk away from situations which are emotionally, mentally and verbally challenging as I have suffered all of this behaviour previously at various times in my life & didn’t expect it within an environment such as *name of charity*. If other volunteers have walked recently, I suggest that training & management style are reviewed".

I've been out today, chilled out and have moved on. I guess it shows my health is so much improved.

[rossie1942]

Well done. They don't deserve you and frankly most of us have enough stress in our lives without walking into it. Plenty more volunteer opportunities out there who will welcome and value you. Manager sounds right female doggy if that is not an insult to a dog.All the best.

[Finglas-Boy]

You should seriously look around other charities who would, arguably, value your contribution & experience more than the current one. Volunteers are the bedrock of any charity. Without them the NGO is doomed & it's inexcusable for any "vollie" to be treated in such a manner. If it were my charity I would. Errata inlay be wanting answers to som very serious questions tomorrow!

[Stilltrying_]

I feel it's a shame you've decided to leave but you know what is best for you more than anyone. Personally I would have probably gone back if I was enjoying it previously but it's all very well for me to sit here in the comfort of my own home saying this when i am not actually in your situation. Maybe I would have left too! I do some voluntary work which I love but am nervous about moving to some different voluntary work whilst the place I work at is closed. I can see that things are not as perfect there as they are where I am currently and that some conflicts could possibly arise between myself and staff members. I guess it all depends on why you are doing it. Personally I cannot stand time at home and will have a massive motivation to try and make something like this work as it means I am out of the house but there again everyone is different.

Wishing you all the best and if as you've decided you are leaving then as others have suggested maybe look for another place to work as you are clearly a dedicated person and it is great to have dedicated volunteers for any organisation.

Gemmalouise X

[Hidden]

My relationship with my mother is very similar but, for many reasons, and I had to learn to stand up to her. As you enjoy the voluntary work so much Go Back. Don't let him scare you off. If he acts like that again, tell him, nicely, that it is not acceptable.