Rant Alert: Going Mad

This morning I've managed to sleep until 6.30. Approximately 2-3 ½ hours longer than most mornings recently, so a good six hours or so. I’ve been wakening in the darkest pre-gloom no-man’s-land with a heart rate like that of a Grand National racehorse, running for its life and facing falling off a cliff at every terrifying obstacle made for sport by the people who like a good spectacle, Ben-Hur-style. And needing a poo.

That’s how it feels to this mere mortal – that the gods are playing. And my mind races over the causes of each body tripwire, flipped by their sheer enormity, in ever-changing levels of fearfulness. Is it my bowels? Suddenly springing into hyperactive life? Is that because I’ve got bowel cancer? Or that I've discovered Keffir and a really good probiotic to take as well, to try and fix my leaky gut damaged by years of addiction to gluten? Addiction created by intolerance that has developed into an allergy?

Or is my heart racing so early in the morning as a result of too much rT3, or too much T4 or too little T3, therefore too little cortisol because the adrenals don’t have enough of the thyroid stuff to make it? Or too little cortisol from adrenals so exhausted they want to retire to some kindly part of this crowded little island of ours and just be looked-after by warm friends and cordial neighbours and, God forbid, interested, informed and caring doctors? Tough s***t, if the latter.

Is the anxiety gripping my guts in an iron fist from any of the above? Or from too little/too much T4, T3 or English Breakfast Tea drunk too late at night?

So I get up and have a poo. Three times, on average. And take the ¼ grain of the ¾ grains of NDT that I take with 75mcg of Levo, and hope there is enough T3 in that smidgen to give the adrenals sufficient for them to drag themselves into action and replace the mad-dash adrenaline with cortisol, and wake my poor, fat, beleaguered body like a normal person’s would. Slowly, kindly and circadianly.

And then there’s the poo itself. Is it like a pile of pebbles? Or stringy? Does it have fibres, or slime? Does it look like any of those lovely pictures as suggested by the poop aficionados, here on this infinite stream of consciousness in search of answers after being failed time and again by medics? Does it bob, float or sink, is it brown, yellow or pink (I’m a slave to metre – there is no pink, thank god!)?

And then there are the thoughts, flinging themselves around like leaves in a hurricane. My brain surprises me with its inventiveness in the memories it can dredge up just to torment. I went back to bed early yesterday afternoon to try and rest (a rare event) and one came floating up into consciousness like a turd in a swimming pool. I was about eleven, a fat, grubby, strange little girl in school at a time when no-one recognised the signs of profound abuse, and just disliked the child instead.

The music teacher, Mr Palin (he’ll be dead by now, the old tw**) had for some reason I cannot fathom, put an open bottle of varnish remover on top of the grand piano in the music room, where one of my classmates was regaling the class with a mini concert (the riff from Moonlight Sonata – the detail from my mischievous brain can be incredible). How it happened I cannot recall – it’s eclipsed by the consequences, but I somehow managed to knock over the bottle sending its contents pooling across the lid of the piano, closed to muffle the sound against our tender young ears in so closed a confine.

As he dashed at the puddle with clumps of paper towels he roared, “You clumsy great elephant!” in front of the whole class and then sniggered at his own drollery. I remember how cold and silent were the toilets outside the classroom where I hid for hours until cajoled out by my best friend – a pretty young girl called Dougal after the dog from The Magic Roundabout, because her straight blonde hair was held in long, thick bunches either side of her head. Dougal was a maverick, but being pretty and slim, clean and motherless, always got away with absolute murder. Unlike her stooge.

Where the hell did that memory come from? And why? Wherever or why-ever, it was followed by a stream of its bedfellows which finally drove me from my own, weeping over an event that took place a lifetime ago.

So, have I addressed my adrenals? Apart from swearing at them? Nooo. Can’t think straight. Or take in info. I JUST WANT A CLEVER, CARING, CAPABLE DOCTOR TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO. Is that too much to ask?

Well, er, yes, as it happens. There aren’t any. At least, any that you can access after years of paying tax into our National Health Service, because there aren’t enough doctors and too much power given to Big Pharma. Which, like every other aspect of our existence that has turned US into commodities for Big Business to use as cash cattle and has the NHS and its doctors by the b*lls. Or the t**s, depending on gender. So doctors aren’t allowed to think, care or innovate (straight-jacketed further by Evidence Based Practice, the GMC or, for us Thyroidies, the Endocrine Cabal who act like a three-line whip on any of their medical members who dare to try. Or hound them to death if they dare to defy).

I suspect I have a modicum of adrenal exhaustion, even though the medical Gestapo decry its existence, but there’s b - all I can do about it just now.

Because just now all I can think, fret and worry about, retch, weep and pray to that Great Black Hole of Silence that God has become, is that my lovely OH has prostate cancer and after being bumped five times, he’s going in to the Christie Hospital to have his prostate gland cut out on Tuesday.

Clear Margins. Sounds like a beautiful little enclave in some Floridian idyll on the edge of the Everglades, where the lucky go to retire and the not-so-lucky dream about.

Clear Margins is the phrase that lurks behind the ball of terror that sits just under my ribcage. It means that the expert surgeon (who had performed over 2000 of these operations at two years ago, when we were nudged into Active Surveillance), who works at the 9th best hospital in the world’s top 30 cancer treatment centres (these stats become very important lifelines) has got it all out. With clear margins.

We won’t know that for three months. But those words mean ‘breathe, heal and put it behind you’.

Maybe that’s behind the insomnia and the pooing and the nightmarish rising of memories like rotting effluvium. So my adrenals are stretched, along with my nerves, my heart and my guts, which feel as though they are being sucked out through a small hole ripped open just below my sternum. They might need some support but I’m b**g***d if I know what to take. All I can manage right now is the B12 injections, the folate and a sporadic taking of the other supplementary stuff. And chocolate, cake and … well, chocolate.

Sigh. Actually, anyone try those little bars of Lindt praline? Nicer than the big, flat bars, or the balls. Something to do with the ratio of praline to chocolate I think.

Cold, now. Going for a cuppa and a rummage in the fridge.

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31 Replies

  • Oh my goodness Schenks, what a way with words you have. Nothing helpful to suggest other than fingers crossed that your OH hears some good news. Hang in there girl!

  • x

  • Schenks are you still taking LDN?

  • I've just started a week off, since gluten and cheese b-up it's action, owing to the gluteomorphins and casomorphins. Can't eat clean just now. Sod's Law, that just when the need to eat clean is at its greatest...

  • Schenks it's a tough one for sure. Were you still feeling better for taking LDN though?

  • Absolutely. But gluten and cheese blocks its action, so I'm having a conscience-free week of naughties!

  • Really enjoyed reading your post. Beautifully written! Wish I could help.

  • Thanks

  • Thank you for your rant or poem it made me smile

  • I have not taken my thyroxine for several weeks ! I tried many times to come off them but got aches and pains and felt very tired so always went back on them out of fear of what would happen to me.

  • However I feel better without them but am trying alternative herbs supplements and cutting out gluten and a strong belief that I can heal my self. It is not a easy path to take but when you see that the drugs don't work what's the point of taking them. However it's an on going thing and I take it one day at a time and prey that my body can heal. I recently bought a book by Josh Axe. Eat Dirt. I'm not sure how long I can go without the thryroxine but hope I never have to take it again as they don't make me feel any better. The side effects of the tablets are worse for me.

  • So I've been told. But it's my life my body so I will take the the risk as I do with all the medication I have taken so far. My GPs are clueless and I have given up trying to get help from them. Their only answer is Thyroxine!

  • Thanks for the rant Schenks, as always throws up the questions we all need to ask. Strange how we can remember long forgotten events so clearly, but can't remember a damn thing from last week! Can't work out the heart palps either. Here's hoping your OH has good news soon. Take care.

  • X

  • Schenks,

    Probably the most eloquent rant I've read :)

    I hope they get every bit of nasty out of your husband and his recovery is good and fast xx

  • Thanks, Clutterbug. X

  • Time to write a book or at the very least have your own website - Thyroid Poop - could be a starting name :-) I for one would be a follower - your writing is excellent and oh so easy to read. You are blessed .....

  • Thanks, Marzbars. Thyroid-poop ... ? Laverly!

    And thank you for your encouragement. I'll tell you more later, but you are a love. xxx

  • Wishing you and hubby the very best of everything ....

  • x

  • So sorry to hear about your husband, and hope his surgery goes well and gets out all the nasties.

    Regarding your adrenals...

    Have you had an adrenal saliva test done? Do you know for certain you have low cortisol? Low and high cortisol share many symptoms so it isn't really possible to tell low from high without testing.

    The heart hammering like crazy at around 4am is something I suffered from for years and I turned out to have high cortisol. I used to wake up in a cold, wet bed too (yuck), because of the extreme sweating that happened in conjunction with the galloping heart rate.

    Have you ever tried T3 only? Or adding T3 to your NDT?

    What supplements do you take?

  • Hi, Beans. Thanks for your good wishes.

    Yes, had one dome yonks ago, and not much in the way of low or high. But time for another, I think.

    I've done the T3 stuff; tried flushing out any rT3 (circadian), done T3 alone and in combo with T4 and NDT. It helped, it seemed, to stabilise me and then became too fierce. Heart rate rocketed etc. Good on NDT and T4 so far, but I do think I need to do a cortisol/adrenal function test again. But after OH gets over this crap - and PG the nasties will be cut out and incinerated by this time Tuesday evening. A month or so later and I'm getting back in the saddle, I reckon.

    I take Vit C, vits D3 and K2, B12 and folate, magnesium, zinc, selenium and when I have it in stock Co Q 10.

    Thanks again, kid.


  • done T3 alone and in combo with T4 and NDT. It helped, it seemed, to stabilise me and then became too fierce. Heart rate rocketed etc.

    Personal anecdote time :

    I was on T3-only and doing well but a prolonged period of stress, going on for about a year, made it impossible to maintain my T3 at the level I'd been doing well at. I developed a racing heart, palpitations, BP climbing etc and had to reduce my T3 dose. In the end it turned out to be my high cortisol causing the issue. Having started to take something which is helping to reduce my cortisol I've been able to raise my T3 again.

    (Holy Basil is working really well for me, but I know it doesn't help everyone. I can even use HB to substitute for beta blockers, which I had been using to slow my heart down but I hated them.)

    I imagine prolonged stress could disturb cortisol and thyroid in anyone, so learning what your cortisol levels are would be well worth finding out. Then you may be able to dose the appropriate thing to raise or lower your cortisol, then you may be able to adjust your thyroid levels.

    Sounds great in theory... Hope it may help in practice.

  • thanks for the in-depth heads-up. I'll organise a Blue Horizon spittoonery when my head's oot ma ar**!


  • Gee whizz! What a Fab post !

    It's safe to say lots of us here are feeling your adrenal / thyroid/ GP frustration pain. I'm new to this thyroid malarkey so only have words of support rather than knowledge but If it's any consolation I am very familiar with the work of the Christie and they are indeed worthy of their top 9 status. L&L to you both x

  • Good to know, and thanks. x

  • Well, whatever it is hasn't affected your literary abilities!

    There are two things here. First lets deal with the scary here and now. Its truly awful, that feeling. I remember when I thought (and the doctors too) that my now ex had a brain tumour. You can't share your fears, so they sit there, festering and growling away. I think that in itself is enough to cause the sleeplessness and nightmares.

    Actually, if you haven't talked it through with hubby, then you should. It seems like giving life to the fears, but because they are legitimate, it actually will cut them down to size a bit.

    If you can afford it, and can get to Manchester I know a brilliant NLP practitioner there. He could teach you some techniques to help deal with scary future events, and the abusive past without actually having to go through all the painful stuff of therapy. Not sure its a total cure, but it sure helped me more than therapy! And I still use it if I'm facing something scary. If that is out of the question then pm me and I can do my not so good best on the phone with the basics - especially the fear of what is to come with hubby.

    Of course your adrenals are affected by that. They wouldn't be doing their job if they weren't! I don't personally think you need to do anything longer term about that because they will sort themselves out when life sorts itself out and you have the all-clear. And if you don't then you'll find ways to cope.

    Was your NDT plus levo the right combination before you started all this? Because if it was then it probably still is - we shouldn't be using thyroid hormone to make up for natural, non thyroid, processes. And now is not the time to mess with your thyroid medication.

    If your poop is stringy or fibrous think candida. If you are hitting the sugar or carbs trying to feel better and its getting worse then that is highly likely. I have herbs to help, but you will probably have to suffer a rather nasty headache. Candida can cause all those sleep problems and the treacly fog you have to struggle through to get up. Nowadays I wake up and I'm awake - how magical is that?

    Big, BIG hugs for you both! Go and take those dogs for a walk!

  • Thank you, Ruthi, for your time and effort and support. You're a doll.

    As far as therapy is concerned, I've done all that, and come out the other side, which is why I can relate it. But I find it fascinating how the brain works to make connections. Mr Pailin was a quietl man who simmered away in his resentments. His explosion was totally unexpected and devastating. So something in my emotional milieu is mimicking that sense of helpless devastation. And know what!

    And you are absolutely right, hubs and I talk all of this through, so the skeletons are out and dancing. But if it runs away with me, I'll take you up on your offer - always willing to learn new tricks!

    Didn't realise Candida could do all that -of course, it makes sense! Still, I'll wait till we get home and have put a few days between us and the op, and then I will probably be picking your braind about that too!

    Hugs gratefully received, dogs on holiday in the kennels so I'm going shopping tomorrow, whilst my lovely OH is being cured.

    Hope I've made sense - not sure I'm fully present right now!


  • Best of luck to your OH and (((Hugs))) for you Schenks. That book you might write one day could be your therapy! xx

  • Thanks, jbee - appreciated. X

  • Thinking of you both. Don't go mad at the shops!

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