BEAUTY IS .....

Definintion according to the dictionary is “Beauty is a characteristic of a person, animal, place, object, or idea that provides a perceptual experience of pleasure or satisfaction”.

Now I am not beautiful, attractive or even plain. Best description of me is ugly. I’ve always been like that – never turned heads, never warranted a second glance and wouldn’t dream of entering a beauty completion as I would come last. I’ve never been ‘ought to look at’ – beauty is in the eye of the beholder so they say but there is nothing remotely pretty about me.

I always thought my other half married me because he not only felt sorry for me but also just wanted someone to cook, wash and clean for him but over the last few years and more so the past few months I have come to realise that he does love me as no one could put up with the moods and illness that I have suffered these last 12 months or more if they didn’t feel love.

I want to give up smoking. I am struggling to give up smoking. I have resigned myself to the fact that even though I have done it cold turkey for 7+ weeks earlier this year I am not going to be successful this time around. I feel lost without that fag in my hand. I feel adrift without that fag in my hand. The action of hand going to mouth and inhaling every single one of those chemicals contained in that fag is such a big part of my life that I just don’t know any more how to cope without it. Stupid and crazy that may be but it is the honest truth.

Why can I not do this? Maybe because deep down I don’t want to. Maybe it’s because deep down I am so scared of what my life will be like without the fags – perhaps it scares me more than what I am doing to myself with the fags. Shortening my life. Being a pariah. Looking like some old hag that can’t live without constantly sucking on the blasted things.

I have just completed 24 hours cold turkey and then I have smoked a fag and because I have smoked the one I know that I will want another. I have promised myself and a friend that if I am still struggling come Tuesday when I have a doctor’s appointment, I am going to ask for help. What form that help will take I do not know.

I know in my heart that I HAVE to give up the fags for my health because there is a price to pay for smoking and I do not want that in any way shape or form. The ultimate price is my life and I want to carry on living.

Perhaps if I kick the fags in to touch I will be beautiful inside apart from the damage that I have already done to various parts of my body. Perhaps I will be able to look in the mirror and say to myself you’re not what’s on the outside you’re what’s on the inside and perhaps that will give me the courage and strength to admit that cold turkey is not possible and perhaps not.

I have three days from tomorrow to get this right. Three days when I can say to myself you don’t need, you don’t want and you won’t have that fag. Three days in which to sort myself out as I have no excuse I know exactly what I’m doing when I light up – just making it harder for myself to quit.

If I don’t succeed then I will ask the doctor for help. It embarrasses me to have to do so because I don’t like asking for anything that I feel that I’m not entitled to. I started smoking of my own free will and should therefore be able to give up without being a drain on anyone’s time or resources.

I do not want to embarrass or show myself up by asking the doctor for help but needs must and if that is the case then I will swallow my pride and ask. However, over the next three days I can perhaps save face by doing what I did back in March and just saying NO, to smoking, being an ugly, smelly piece of humanity that just does not have any confidence in her own ability left.

Those three days can be the difference between pride and embarrassment. Those three days may make be so beautiful on the inside that what I look like on the outside to both myself and to other people will not bother me one iota.

Those three days can and will be the difference and I will beat this habit because I have to if only to restore my pride in my own ability never to lose a battle but this is surely the biggest battle I will ever have to fight.

Going back to the definition of beauty, I can categorically say that smoking is most definitely not a pleasurable experience nor does it give me any satisfaction.

The price if I lose is the ultimate, the highest price ever – my own life!

[bunnyrabbit 5 YEARS WINNER]

Kath. The only way I have managed 8 1/2 weeks is with nrt and I use a vaporizer. I get the sensation ofsmoking just not the bad chemicals and you can get it nicotine free.

I have noticed that my skin is getting better since I stopped so it helps to strengthen my resolve. I used to think that I would always be a smoker and stupidly let it define who I was in away. I have chosen to redefine myself and so can you.

You can do this but I know you have alot going on right now.

Stay strong and remember all the ones you haven't smoked and don't dwell on the couple that you have had especially as you didn't enjoy them

Always your pal xx

[nixy 27 Months Winner]

I dont think you are ready to stop smoking, so many thoughts whirling round in your head. Why not leave it for a few weeks and then try again, have a rest from the stress you are putting yourself under. I tried many times over the years but didnt succeed. I have not smoked for four months, but tonight I had three puffs of a friends cigarette. I actually enjoyed it, but I am certainly not going to beat myself up about it. I shall just carry on as normal, tomorrow is another non smoking day, and I certainly wont bother to mention it to any of my family or other friends.