Bad Bad Days 13 and 14

6 Years ago virtually to the day I split up from my husband and I suffered very bad depression - 2 years of high dosage prozac with my life spiralling completely out of control -I thought enough of this..get yourself sorted and I did - but I started smoking again after a 14 year quit. Roll forward to this weekend day 13 and 14. I can't describe how I feel - its like I have been transported back 6 years and am just enshrouded by pure misery....I haven't cried so much since the time he walked out of that door. I feel totally despondent to the point today where I was on the verge of telling my partner that I wanted to leave him.....I have trotted off by myself for a walk to try and sort my head out...I just dread that depression coming back.... I keep telling myself that I am happy not smoking and I know that I will do it ...but didn't expect this darkness!

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  • Hi Dulavinsky, it broke my heart to read your post today.

    Many reasons, I wrote a very similar post on March 2015 and every word I wrote came from my heart, there were tears coming out my face...

    Your post in a way brings me back to those days.

    I am not qualified to talk to you in terms of your depression but I've been there.

    Smoking is an addiction but also a coping mechanism for a lot of us.

    There's different levels of addiction, some people are physically addicted, those tend to have a very hard detox phase but after that, it's smooth sailing.

    People that used the cigarettes as a coping mechanism tend to camouflage their feelings with those 2 minutes of inhaling smoke.

    It is not more than a deep breathing exercise, if you practice a set of 10 very deep breathes everytime you are feeling rotten, you'll understand what I mean.

    The darkness is not caused because of the lack of nicotine but because you no longer have your way of coping, you feel naked.

    Pm if you wish, like I said, I know that place only too well, ultimately only you can help yourself but if I can help, I'll be very happy to.

    Strongs

  • Thank you so much mmaya I know that you are absolutely right and thanks for giving me something to focus on when the panic sets in. I think I am such a positive and giving person I get taken advantage of...and I think that months of that (if not longer) just culminated today - whereas I would usually go and have a cigarette and a glass of wine - I didn't have that option ...like you said feeling naked. I don't want to try and do everything at once...but I do think this has highlighted other issues in my life that I need to sort...but this time it will be deep breaths and one step at a time....but I will come out the other side without tablets, cigarettes, wine or crisps!! and if its just me then so be itx

  • Ultimately darling, last year I just went back to the cigarettes... I wish I didn't really. I only postponed what had to be done - stop smoking - and the other problems continued on.

    The exact same issues that were driving me to depression last year.... They are all still here.

    Every experience in our life's makes us grow, not always to become the best version of ourselves... But we will always find a way around.

    Sometimes we have to Re- discover ourselves and find in love with ourselves again. Loving ourselves includes not poisoning ourselves for no reason.

    Life can be beautiful but at times can be very harsh.

    Only you can turn the page on your book.

    Big squishy hug, stay strong and away from the fags if possible xxx

  • 6 Years ago virtually to the day I split up from my husband and I suffered very bad depression - 2 years of high dosage prozac with my life spiralling completely out of control -I thought enough of this..get yourself sorted and I did - but I started smoking again after a 14 year quit. Roll forward to this weekend day 13 and 14. I can't describe how I feel - its like I have been transported back 6 years and am just enshrouded by pure misery....I haven't cried so much since the time he walked out of that door. I feel totally despondent to the point today where I was on the verge of telling my partner that I wanted to leave him.....I have trotted off by myself for a walk to try and sort my head out...I just dread that depression coming back.... I keep telling myself that I am happy not smoking and I know that I will do it ...but didn't expect this darkness!

    Hey Dulavinsky, I am so sorry to read your post (both on your past separation and how you are feeling at the moment) and sending you a big hug, unfortunately I cannot offer any advise on the horrendous illness of depression and really hope you are not going down that road again (maybe a trip to your GP or the health shop is needed just to calm you when the anxiety hits). Is there anyone you can talk to about how you are feeling, get support, encouragement - your partner, family, friend) as it is so good to talk. You are 2 weeks smoke free and that is a huge achievement, WELL DONE, You need to share this with as many as people as you can.

    Depression is also a withdrawal symptom in the first few weeks of quitting as you / we are mourning the loss of our crutch to get us through hard times. Again, I really hope this passes for you Dulavinsky, post as often as you need to XO

  • Ditto @ both mmaya and rowens HOWEVER all I can add is my thoughts and prayers are with you !!

    If you having a hard time POST , POST you are in the rite place!!

  • Morning Dulavinsky, how are you feeling today, hopefully it has improved for you?

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