Aaarrgghh ! Help please for a newbie who's caved

As the title says, im new on here. I found the forum searching for some help on the net, im at my wits end with trying and trying to stop smoking once and for all.

I have tried to stop smoking at least 8 times (serious attempts that is) and have used patches, inhalator, gum, hypnotherapy, e cigs, you name it. The longest i stayed off them for was 3months and 3 days (whilst on patches). This time I was up to day 9. It was supposed to be the one that stuck, despite the amount of times I have tried and failed my husband really got behind me, we set up a reward chart etc for the sake of trying a new method, i got plenty of snacks in, read up about all things smoking and not smoking related, and felt really positive. I so wanted it to work, unfortunately we got into an arguement yesterday afternoon, i managed to resist my normal crutch of smoking, but the aruement has gone on and on and I have just given in and bought some tobacco, and smoked. Needless to say i feel so dissapointed, and we still arent speaking and arent likely to now i have added smoking back into the equation. The thing is i get so angry when i am quitting, i know fly off of the handle far too easily BUT i feel like he takes advantage of this and tells me all of our disgreements are caused by my 'not smoking temper'. I genuinly dont think this is the case, but maybe im wrong.

Sorry for the essay from a newbie, i just dont know what to do and all i want to do is smoke the rest of the packet of tobacco, though i know this wont help anything.

7 Replies

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  • Chill

    Hi Lou - been there done that :o - I have stopped so many times too and have tried everything from NRT to Allen Carr's books and workshops (that's the stop smoking guru). I once went on an Allen Carr workshop and was doing so well (think I'd stopped for about 41/2 weeks) until I had a little drink - my partner and I had a massive argument and I just thought I'm going to buy some cigs - I didn't even enjoy it but then I was hooked again! That was last March. I have stopped probably 4 more times since then - each time lasting 4 - 5 weeks and then I start again. I have now stopped 15 days - I'm not going to smoke again as I have stopped and started so many times I just got sick of it and just want to be free once and for all and just remember the below:

    Smoking doesn't enhance situations

    Smoking doesn't make bad times any better

    Also I always ask myself 'do I NOT want to smoke more than I want to - and the answer is Yes - it just works for me as I'm not putting myself under any pressure that I will never ever ever crave again it's just that if cigs pop into my head I just ask myself that question.

    Don't beat yourself up - 9 days is brill - just learn that cigs didn't help the argument and it made you more miserable starting again. Put it behind you and put the experience under your belt for next time an argument might occur. Also my partner always used to say 'oh you're only in a bad mood coz you've stopped and 8 out of 10 times it was nothing to do with me stopping as I felt and feel so much happier and confident when I have stopped - just tell him it is the worst thing he can say to you and for him to try and be more understanding and walk away from you if either of you start/get into an argument in the near future.

    Look forward to hearing your updates.

    Mich x

  • Thanks for the positive words. I have thought long and hard about why I find it hard to quit, and why i want to. I know that it isnt the lack of nicotine that gets to me, i can do the first few days with little trouble. It is certainly a mind problem, however much i try to tell myself otherwise i find it so hard to enjoy myself or have 'fun' when i know i cant smoke. The prospect of nights out or holidays suddenly become horrible to me, as i know it will just be an excercise in tryng not to smoke, it actually depresses me, and this weakens my will power as i end upthnking, that yes, i may lengthen my life etc, but if im not enjoying myself is it worth it anyway ? I found it especially hard getting to three months and still having these same feelings - when does it get better ?!

    Having said this, i do want to quit so badly before i do cause myself a major health problem and ths is what spurs on these seemingly endless attempts.

    Other than the 'fun' issue it is the normal excuse, that when a stressful situation comes up such as tonight, i turn to smoking, but of course i know its not really helping. I have spoken to the oh half about blaming arguements on my not smoking, but he flat out denies this and says it is just my temper. It makes me so angry, but also confused as to whether he is right and it is just me as generally he is so supportive and wants me to quit.

    Again sorry for the amble, ad thanks, all advice warmly welcomed !

  • Mind tricks

    Hi Lou123

    I think that the subconscious mind is very clever and likes to get its own way. The fact that the thought of going out and going on holidays without smoking seems terrible to you is, I think, your mind remembering the good things you associate with smoking and forgetting the bad things.

    The subconscious behaves like a spoilt child throwing a tantrum at times and it will do anything to keep on going the way it has in the past.

    However, while the subconscious is a bad master, it is a good slave once it's under control.

    I promise you that eventually it will shift its focus if you stop giving it attention. Things do get better. I can remember thinking I'm going to miss smoking with my friends who smoke, and now they don't even notice that I don't smoke; my mind doesn't even register when they light up a cigarette.

    When I used to get thoughts of panic about not smoking I started to refuse to react to the thoughts, and eventually the mind does quieten.

  • Hi Lou

    I feel for you for what you are going through.

    I still put myself through those thoughts now, one month down the line, BUT it is getting less all the time.

    To me smoking or should I say not smoking is massively psychological. I was having constant wars in my head, never ending conversations with myself and to be honest getting pretty damn sick of them.

    I know your fear of never enjoying yourself again, I think everybody here does. I got very depressed in the beginning when I stopped my NRT after 5 days and thought the whole thing was crashing down around me...

    But I picked up my inhaler, visited here, posted and began to feel better..

    Was my reaction/depression due to nicotine or was it psychological issues?

    I'm not sure yet but I kept going and I'm still here ..... and starting to feel good about it.

    I read today, on a website, about quitting the natural way. It seems to be very similar to Allen Carr's Easyway but worded slightly differently. There was a whole section on emotions that I found very interesting.

    With regards to the feelings and craves, we should let them in....let them in fully....don't fight them.

    By not fighting them they become weaker and weaker until they bother you no more.

    This made sense to me.

    They say, pretend you are a scientist and ana lyze the feeling for exactly what it is, NOT what our mind "thinks" or "predicts" it is....

    Have a read if you haven't already.

    quitsmokingonline.com/quits...

    I also thought about "well what kind of life will this be if I feel like this all the time" but the advice I got from the greats and the goods on this forum has been invaluable.....including a good dressing down from Dippyegg ..... which to be honest was exactly what I personally needed at the time (I was feeling a bit sorry for myself if I'm totally honest :o )

    Ask your husband to read the articles with you to help him understand (or has he quit in the past?)

    I keep a small pack of notes on my desk at work and every hour I write the time, the situation, my body cue (hungry,cold, stressed etc) and my reaction...how I deal with it.

    I read these back as time goes on and try to "learn" from myself.

    My wife also read them and it helped her understand how I felt, without having to discuss it in detail .... which was hard at the beginning without a "you have no idea what I am going through" kind of heated discussion!

    Just a few ideas that may help.

    You know you want to quit as you keep trying.

    You CAN quit

    You WILL quit

    Hope you find your solution soon, stick around, its actually good fun! :D

    Take care

    Greg

  • Well, ive tipped the toacco into the bin, tommorows another day and all that.

    It might well be me, if it is im just not sure how to keep a better handle on myself, i get so angry , and i try to hold it in, but i can literally feel it bubbling up inside me, and this can be over relatively minor things. Its a shame that i have lost his trust support and encouragement again now that i have caved in, but i realise at the end of the day im in this by myself as noone can do it for me (unfortunately lol!)

    Maybe next time im about to blow i'll post the details on here for a more unbiased view !

    Thanks so much for all the advice, its helped me to feel a bit more positive about all this, and yes, a bit less sorry for myself !

  • Hello lovely lou

    Isnt it a thing this smoking merrygoround? I reckon I could have powered the national grid for years from nervous tension about smoking. I'm only on day 16 and well aware that this is not yet a done deal for me, but 1 thing that feels different this time is that I do not have that sense of future deprivation. You say you cant look forward to holidays, but when I went to Canada as a a smoker, it was awful, I spent all my time enduring enforced abstinence or engineering situations where I could smoke regardless of everybody elses inconvenience.

    Not smoking is freedom!

    Weirdly, the difference this time is that I had some psychotherapy about my horrible childhood. The counsellor told me that I had done well to be able to work and sustain relationships and not get addicted to drugs or alcohol to get me through. I immediately thought of my smoking. I dont know why there is that connection, but suddenly I feel that I can live without them and I am trying hard to forgive myself for the years when I couldnt. Anyway this probably is oversharing or something but it does seem to have helped me and maybe it can help someone else too. Best of luck

  • Interesting post mrsm. It shows me how selfish smokers really are - and I was - needing events to revolve around their habit. I remember thinking (justifying) to myself as a smoker that I couldn't help it: i needed to smoke so I would have to break the flow by popping out for one, or engineer opportunities to smoke :o. I always felt uncomfortable, shifty and guilty as a smoker, and this must have been one of the reasons why.

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