I'm so sorry guys.

[nsd_user663_4464]

21 days without a single puff and 4 of those were ct, then a relapse again. I have agonized over this and my daughter and I have cried, shouted, talked and together agree on the cause of why I keep going wrong.

I'm not posting this as an excuse, or for sympathy of any kind but because I believe that it's only by being honest and open about this difficult fight against a horrible addiction, that I will be able to find my way through it.

Where to begin? For the last 4 years I have been happy, well and in employment. I live as a lone parent, with my 12year old daughter. We have a good relationship and do loads of stuff together. Cycling, crafts, walking ect. Although I'm well, I am predisposed to clinical depression and have in the past been hospitalized with it. There is always the threat of a repeat episode of clinical depression. I have learned how to live in order to keep it in checkw ithout medication and have not had a serious bout of it for about 5 years.

For the last 7 weeks I have been quitting. I must by now have had at least 5 or 6 day 1's.

Every time I begin (which is always the next day) the next day 1 I believe I can make it. I give it all my attention and energy. I become obsessive and can't concentrate on anything else. Over a period of time, usually 10-12 days, I become exhausted, moody, unfocused on anything else but my quit and frankly, I feel that I turn into the mother from hell.

As I mentioned earlier, one of the things that keeps my depression at bay is that I have a need for order and routine. During one of these quit attempts everything goes to pot. My home is in a mess, I don't cook and start to feed my daughter junk food, I can't be bothered to go out or do anything with her, I spend hours and hours on this forum, reading and reading and it all ends in my feeling overpowered by it all.

I have a plan. Tomorrow I will go and speak to my doctor about getting back on to antidepressants for a few weeks. Obsessive behaviour is one of the things that occurrs when I'm down and I need to be able to function on all levels while I'm quitting.

Today is a new day 1. I'm sorry to all of THE APRIL SHOWER but it's still April and I'm still quitting.

Be Strong no matter how long and tough the journey.

Hopeful

[nsd_user663_4437]

its ok dude-

u have my sympathies dude- i know how u feel- tears are on my face typen this-i wish i had ur answer-

its not easy-stoppn smoken's not easy- life's not easy-ur lucky u have ur daughter ther 4 u-giv her a long long hug-c ur doctor-tell her everything-i know u hav everyone's support-u hav mine dude-

it'll b okay-th best thing u did was type it out-read ur own situation-u know ther's a problem and ur doin ur best 2 sort it out-with th right support ur best will b good enough-

its good to cry-its a release dude-

hang in ther

[nsd_user663_4464]

u have my sympathies dude- i know how u feel- tears are on my face typen this-i wish i had ur answer-

its not easy-stoppn smoken's not easy- life's not easy-ur lucky u have ur daughter ther 4 u-giv her a long long hug-c ur doctor-tell her everything-i know u hav everyone's support-u hav mine dude-

it'll b okay-th best thing u did was type it out-read ur own situation-u know ther's a problem and ur doin ur best 2 sort it out-with th right support ur best will b good enough-

its good to cry-its a release dude-

hang in ther

Thanks so much, can't say much now cos I'm feeling a big release coming on.

Off to bed for a big cry and start again tomorrow.

Hopeful

[nsd_user663_4121]

Awww you..... please don't say you're sorry, no need to do that.... this is not an easy thing to kick.... I am actually in a very similar boat.... single mom.... no issue with depression but I felt very depressed my first quit month.... right around day 28 I was about to give in (cause how can anyone live like that) when things turned around for me....... I read somewhere that right around day 28 things really get 'easier'...... so you are so close..... no guarantee that day 28 is THE magic day but I had a very, very, very hard time the first month and second month started to be do able...... I often had to force myself to be a 'good' mom..... and I cried a bunch.... but it all gets better!!!! I think that is a great idea though to go to the doc and get something that helps balance you out a bit..... any help is GOOD.... anything that will keep you going without losing it. Thank you for sharing such personal things.... I really want you to do well..... make me upset for you to have to go through that! Hang in there.... big, big hugs to you! Don't be sad.... it's gonna work out!!! XOXOXOX

[NicFirth 10 Years Smoke Free]

Do speak to your doctor, quitting can in itself lead to a certain amount of depression and you are predisposed to it then it would seem likely that it would be a factor.

Best of luck with it.

Nic

[nsd_user663_4140]

Big up to hopeful

Hi Huni

Dont beat yourself up over this, its difficult enough without the depression. But I do think you must go and talk to your doctor, I think there is a link with smoking and depression anyway. If yours is clinical then you really must go and talk to him

Huni we are here for you every day of the week ... and hey look how many quit attemps I have had this is about my fourth time now...

STAY STRONG LIKE THE EBT HOPEFUL

MASSIVE MASSIVE HUG

EBT GIRL

;)

[nsd_user663_3728]

Hi Hopeful

I feel so sorry for you as you were doing so well this time

But go see the Dr and get sorted with some help OK

When you're ready come back and we'll all be here for you I promise for as long as you need us

Love

Marg xxxxxxxx

[nsd_user663_4026]

I think the doctors is a good idea. However, you had done so well, then tried the ct then relapsed. I found that although I cut my patches down and weaned myself off partly, I still had the 3 days of physical withdrawels which kicked off the mental issues which floored me for a couple of days. Maybe you weren't ready for the transmission from nrt to ct, or came off it too abrubtly? Maybe I am just talking rubbish! Don't beat yourself up either way. You are back on day one. Work with your doctor and your 12 year old daughter. Single parenthood can be hard work, I also did it for five years and I take my hat off to you and bella, I didn't even bother trying to quit during that time. xxxx

[nsd_user663_4437]

hope ur well dude-

[Deke 9 Years Smoke Free]

Hi Hopeful,

I am wishing you all the strength you need to find your way. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

Deke

[nsd_user663_4464]

I'm still here

Thanks you all so much. I havn't gone away, I'm just gathering my strength to begin again!!!!!!

Can't see the doc till next week but I'll soldier on till then.

Hope everyone else is good, I'll be back to week 2 before you know it.

Hopeful

[nsd_user663_1733]

Hi Hun

So sorry your feeling down like this I know where your coming from suffered from deppresion for years. Now I take St jons wort every day still get some low times but not as Black. Good idea going to the doctors. You look after yourself hopfull We are here when you need us.xxxxxxx

[nsd_user663_4016]

Hopeful, So sorry you were feeling so down. The doctor sounds like a good idea. Depression is nothing to take lightly. You will be able to quit smoking when the time is right. Hope today is better for you. Keep you chin up and keep strong!

[nsd_user663_4177]

Hi Hopeful, so sorry you are having a bad time I know how bad depression can be I suffered it for 8 years and took a lot of counselling and tablets to get me well. Doesnt take much to make me worry I am going back to the black days and stopping smoking is very stressful and can be depressing.

I am sending you the biggest hug possible and hope the dr will be able to help you through this x

[nsd_user663_4367]

Down but not Out

Hi Hopeful, Sorry to hear you not been to good, u were doing so well, but hey we have all been there, and the experience will help u no end.....

You have done brill on your quit, just see it as a small blip..... U will do it, because u want to and u have everyones help on this forum..

Chin up, if it was easy most smokers wouldnt be smokers ...........

Big hugs Kaz xx