I'm so depressed, sad, and very upset with ... - No Smoking Day

No Smoking Day

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I'm so depressed, sad, and very upset with myself.

nsd_user663_58249 profile image
28 Replies

Well, I made it 8 months without having a cigarette and bad news is all it took. Yes, unfortunately, I started smoking again. I have been so embarrassed because I have been on here saying I will never do it again, I will never pick it up. I have been smoking about 2-3 a day for about a week now. That is ALL it took. I have now even tried the electronic cigarette with no nicotine. I am so ashamed of myself. I was doing so good and now I lost it all just because I recieved devastating news.

I don't want any of you to think bad of me as I do not want to smoke. I do not know what I was thinking, obviously at that point I was not thinking. I come on here and I see what everyone has been through, the reasons they have quit, and this is what happens to me? Addiction is a terrible thing and all I could do right about now is cry. No one knows that I have smoked lately and I want to keep it that way, but I turned to this forum as I NEED HELP.... I am so embarrassed to even come back on here after everything I have said, everything I have tried to accomplish...I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND why I would do this.... This is the longest quit I have accomplished and its over....I feel like I have failed myself and this group... I never thought I would be writing this post... I never thought it would come to this... I just ask everyone in this forum to please forgive me, not because I made a fool of myself, but because I broke a promise to myself and you.

I have turned this over to God to help me through. I NEED Him more than ever at this point. If anyone has suggestions please let me know. I am becoming addicted again because I feel the need to have a cigarette...UGH I am SOOOOOOOO MAD at myself.... MAD... :mad::mad::mad::mad:

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nsd_user663_58249
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28 Replies
nsd_user663_54332 profile image
nsd_user663_54332

Awe believe me I know what you mean, it's not nice.

First off don't beat yourself up, that makes you feel way worse.

Now you've got to decide what to do. Will you plan your next quit or what?

Whatever you do no ody will think badly of you :)

On my phone so scuse typos please

nsd_user663_58249 profile image
nsd_user663_58249

Thank you!!

Gemma,

I definitely do not want to smoke. I just have to get it in my head like I did to quit cold turkey like I did before... I am just beating myself up as I made it sooo far. I am just trying to understand WHY...And I CANNOT...

UGH.... It *&*%#es me off....

nsd_user663_53658 profile image
nsd_user663_53658

Oh Kyle, it's not a case of forgiving you honey, there is nothing for anyone to forgive, you haven't done anything wrong. When you get bad news you don't think and what has happened with you can easily happened to any one of us and it is perfectly understandable.

The fact that you have come on here and asked for help shows that you want to get yourself off them again. Stick around and read posts, get your determination back up to 100%, lean on us and whenever you're ready to quit again we will be here to walk the path with you again.

Addiction is such a terrible thing but you know what it is to free now so I don't think it will be long before you are free of it once more petal. Especially if you stick around here and immerse yourself in the determination, empathy and support that shows on these forums every day.

Try to stay positive and don't beat yourself up so much. What is done is done. It doesn't mean you can't get there again. The beauty of this game is you get to quit as many times as you need to to get the one that sticks.

I'm sending hugs and positive vibes over the Atlantic to you.

Molly :)

NicFirth profile image
NicFirth10 Years Smoke Free

No point having regrets the past can not be changed.

Just concentrate on being free of them for good this time and chalk this up as proof that there isn't ever "just one".

Being a non smoker is a binary thing you either smoke or you don't, there is nothing in between.

nsd_user663_54554 profile image
nsd_user663_54554

I don't think all is lost, not a bit of it. You've quit for 8 months Kyle, then smoked for a week, and in that time you've smoked what, 20? Maybe less?

On the premise that every cigarette strengthens the addiction and every consecutive situation that you hit a trigger and don't smoke weakens it, I think if you get straight back on then you can do it.

Giving yourself a kick in the pants at this point is healthy and as others have said no-one is going to frown at you here, it's a great place to air your frustration and get support. You have mine, and my respect, and my only advice is to steel yourself for a bit of discomfort and get back in the saddle. Stay strong! :)

nsd_user663_59305 profile image
nsd_user663_59305

Bless you Kyle, I am exactly the same as you were, I swear I will never, ever smoke again - I had a huge screaming match with my OH on Sunday as he decided to smoke a cigar after 12 weeks quit (just to see what it was like????) but, should I get hit sideways with devastating news, I cannot guarantee how I'll react. We all cling to this site as we are addicts, it's easy to be sanctimonious and frown on those who we initially aspired to, but we just don't know what's around the corner. As everyone else has said, there is no point beating yourself up and keep asking why, it happened and I'm guessing you have other issues in your life right now that are all encompassing and you are trying to deal with those at the same time as coming to terms with smoking again. Whatever has happened needs your focus, once you are ready, you will attack the quit again with added wisdom. Sending big hugs ;)

nsd_user663_58249 profile image
nsd_user663_58249

Thank you everyone.

I know it is hard this time... I know I also need to stop beating myself up... I remember when I went without thinking about smoking for days, maybe weeks, and I can get there again...I have such a bad headache..I know it is from smoking...But I deserve it... As my body is hating me right now...

If ANYONE HAS ANY suggestions please let me know...

What about those electronic cigs? I know the 0% nic is not helping... So is there something else???? I am NOT sure what I can do... I cannot afford Champix as it is VERY expensive here... Over $300.00 dollars and without insurance no one can afford that...That is why I quit smoking cold turkey before. I also have NOT bought any cigs either... So that is a good thing...

nsd_user663_54332 profile image
nsd_user663_54332

Gemma,

I definitely do not want to smoke. I just have to get it in my head like I did to quit cold turkey like I did before... I am just beating myself up as I made it sooo far. I am just trying to understand WHY...And I CANNOT...

UGH.... It *&*%#es me off....

I know how you feel, I failed after 10 and a half months.

My top advice (now I've got a proper keyboard to type on) is that as you don't want to smoke you're best off striking while the iron's hot. It is scary how quickly smoking becomes "normal" again so quit as soon as possible - like Hawk says every fag reinforces the addiction and every time you say no lessons it.

If you're hating smoking and hating yourself for doing it, you've got the quitter mentality still so strike now if you can :)

nsd_user663_58249 profile image
nsd_user663_58249

You are so right...I just NEED to stop...Its a wake up call...I can do this... I WILL do this again... I do have the right mentality...I HATE the smell of it... I keep washing my hands and brushing my teeth..Not just because of the smell, but I don't want my family knowing I started again...They would be so mad and I really don't want to listen to it...It would just make me more stressed and I would probably stay smoking...and that is NOT what I want to do...

nsd_user663_54332 profile image
nsd_user663_54332

You are so right...I just NEED to stop...Its a wake up call...I can do this... I WILL do this again... I do have the right mentality...I HATE the smell of it... I keep washing my hands and brushing my teeth..Not just because of the smell, but I don't want my family knowing I started again...They would be so mad and I really don't want to listen to it...It would just make me more stressed and I would probably stay smoking...and that is NOT what I want to do...

That's the spirit!!

You can do it :)

nsd_user663_59642 profile image
nsd_user663_59642

Kyle....don't think of it as having lost your quit. You quit 8 months ago and you've just had a poor week. One poor week could be just a bit of a rocky patch in your quit as long as you don't have any more fags now. So don't have any more...... know that you are a non-smoker......really know it.

I know it's c%$££y to have to go back to Day 1 on here, but that does not alter the fact that you quit 8 months ago. You've just had a bit of a wobble, that's all. You are still quit as long as you don't have another fag.....do anything you can to prevent it......be as good to yourself as you possibly can. Do not beat yourself up, although I know it's easier said than done. But you will feel much better about yourself if you stop beating yourself up and that will in turn make it so much easier to resist any temptation. Well it worked for me, so why not give it a try?

Thinking about you (and having a quiet word with Him!)

Val

xxx

nsd_user663_57259 profile image
nsd_user663_57259

I'm so sorry to hear this and I really hope you are ok. Sending a huge hug to you! Most of us have been there before and know exactly how you feel and it's not nice!! But you are strong enough to fight this monster and get rid of him once and for all!

There are many views on e cigs. Personally they have been my saviour. I have been smoke free for 7 months tomorrow and e cig and nicotine free for about 6 weeks. The e cig helped me get through those first few months as I do not have much will power. I didn't need to use it too much and I controlled it so that I didn't simply replace smoking with "vaping". As a result I was only an occasional vaper at the end and it wasn't too hard getting rid of it completely.

My husband still uses his so I know it is still there if I really need it. I know that I would probably reach for that if I was really desperate but I'm hoping that wont happen. It doesn't work for everyone as it is easy to become addicted to te e cig and simply just swap one addiction for another BUT it does work for some people. You are in control of your quit and I wish you all the best when you decide to try again.

Regards

Sarah

nsd_user663_40088 profile image
nsd_user663_40088

Ah mate, this upsets me to read how much your hurting over this :( I have never made it that long, but I have lost quits before where i have physically cried and called myself names. It shows you care and want to be a non smoker, but its not the frame of mind that will make you a winner! you want to quit again becuase 'im ****** work it!' attitude, not 'because otherwise im a worm' or you will make yourself nervous and uncomfortable about it.

you have done cold turkey before, clearly got on with it so I think stick to what you know. You know how it feels, the hurdles etc and plus you will feel like a non smoker alot quicker which is what i think you really want back yeah?

Dont beat yourself up anymore, this a life long thing for us ex smokers and unfortunately we might slip a few times, the main thing is that our mindset is we dont want to smoke! xxx

nsd_user663_54332 profile image
nsd_user663_54332

This is a crucial time in your psyche-get quit again as soon as you can before the 'normal' you is distorted and reasserts itself -as the smelly smoker.

This is so true, and seriously don't delay 'cos it takes less time than you might think :/

You're a non-smoker with a blip, not a proper failure!! :)

nsd_user663_54332 profile image
nsd_user663_54332

small aside, strange the way the mind works, nearly 10 months in I have just found myself relatively seriously considering trying a smoke to see if I still can, being would starting again hurt my throat/lungs or would I be straight back to normal?

Your chest would feel tight, your throat would be scratchy, your mouth would feel manky and if you carry on doing it, you get an irritating tickly cough for a week or so.

There, you don't have to try now.

nsd_user663_54332 profile image
nsd_user663_54332

:D

It is a very strange thing, I must have been like that when I started but really dont remember it.

Not that old either before you start :mad:

Think it's probably that you don't care so much when you're a teen 'cos teenagers are immortal :rolleyes:

B.loody stupid isn't it?

nsd_user663_59305 profile image
nsd_user663_59305

Think it's probably that you don't care so much when you're a teen 'cos teenagers are immortal :rolleyes:

B.loody stupid isn't it?

And don't forget how cool you used to look with that white stick hanging out your gob, the singed fringe where you haven't quite got the hang of facing the wind as soon as you've managed to light it, the watering eyes, the green tinge to your skin as you fight to keep the smoke in without chucking up or choking, and that wonderful odour - so simple to be as hip as my friends while slowly suffocating myself to death, but that won't happen to me :cool:

nsd_user663_54332 profile image
nsd_user663_54332

And don't forget how cool you used to look with that white stick hanging out your gob, the singed fringe where you haven't quite got the hang of facing the wind as soon as you've managed to light it, the watering eyes, the green tinge to your skin as you fight to keep the smoke in without chucking up or choking, and that wonderful odour - so simple to be as hip as my friends while slowly suffocating myself to death, but that won't happen to me :cool:

If only we'd listened to what our bodies were saying back then - none of us would be here now :/

I want a time machine to go back to November 1997 and slap the stupid out of myself before I lit the first one.

nsd_user663_59305 profile image
nsd_user663_59305

If only we'd listened to what our bodies were saying back then - none of us would be here now :/

I want a time machine to go back to November 1997 and slap the stupid out of myself before I lit the first one.

Tell me about it, I can't believe I kept forcing myself to do something that made me feel so sick - hind sight is a wonderful thing :rolleyes:

nsd_user663_54332 profile image
nsd_user663_54332

Tell me about it, I can't believe I kept forcing myself to do something that made me feel so sick - hind sight is a wonderful thing :rolleyes:

It's like Allen Carr said, we really worked hard at getting ouselves hooked :/

Which I never believed would happen to me, oh no :mad:

nsd_user663_24115 profile image
nsd_user663_24115

Try this website kyle it will help

whatwinnersdo.com/halt-rela...

The gist of it is dead simple If youve given up an addiction and something triggers a relapse. Just H.A.LT. It stands for hungry angry lonely tired. If your any of these things or variations on them then that is what u need to adress. but as ex smokers that dont know this trick or forget it, what we do is address our addiction or ex addiction instead, so we have a cigarette or drink or snort or sniff.. read thru it it does work and when you feel like a smoke just HALT.

MANY OF US HAVE BEEN WHERE U ARE RIGHT NOW AND WE ALL GIVE OURSELVES A BEATING , but keep it short. forgive yourself ,learn from it .you probably discovered that smoking didnt help the problem to go away. pick yourself up dust yourself down and start all over again . I ve recently had to do it myself, cos i forgot to HALT. LESSON LEARNED now im back in my quit and glad to be here. Bless ya.

M:)

nsd_user663_52535 profile image
nsd_user663_52535

Kyle

Another big hug and get it right out of your head that you've let anyone down You HAVE done nothing to be embarrassed about and I'm SURE too that you've only done what each every one of us has done at some point in our previous quits.

I too almost failed a few months back, at the 11 months quit stage - WTH.

Please just get the sensible head back on, after 8 months quit, you are NOT hooked on the little blighters again, ditch and replace ASAP with a low patch would be my advice.

Fi x

nsd_user663_60655 profile image
nsd_user663_60655

Hi Kyewright

It happens. You are human like the rest of us. If any of us were super-human, we wouldn't be here! So you stumbled. You have beat yourself enough. We understand and sympathize. Just take stock of all this and how you handle henceforth, it'll be the best of you under the circs.

Be strong and very best of luck.

Firefly

nsd_user663_56386 profile image
nsd_user663_56386

HI Kylewright

Dont beat yourself up bud. You have had a stumble that is all.

Whats more important is how you deal with it. Do not let to much time lapse before you get back on the no smoking train. I know from experience , I stopped for a extended period many moons ago and stumbled only for my stumble to turn into a further decade of smoking rather than days.

Use the 8 months you previously stopped as a motivator, you know you can abstain just make it stick this time.

All the folks here are with you and empathize. We are not here to judge each other only to support

nsd_user663_27255 profile image
nsd_user663_27255

Hi Kyle,

Sending cyber hugs your way!!

As others have said we all make mistakes, I've lost count of how many failed attempts I've had but I'll keep jumping back onto the wagon until I get it right!

This isn't an easy journey, if it was everyone would be quit! We just need to leRn how to climb over the hurdles and this site is certainly the best to help!

Keep posting and we can all help each other through :)

nsd_user663_42390 profile image
nsd_user663_42390

Kyle, as everyone has said, you can get this quit back on track, 8 months would mean it is more normal now for you not to smoke, so hold on to that and quit again now!

nsd_user663_60673 profile image
nsd_user663_60673

You were a success for eight months.

It's a powerful and patient predator, first trauma or moment of weakness and it gets yer.

But take heart, remember you were a success for eight months and the sooner you start reducing your nicotine dependance the closer you'll be to escaping its clutches.

Hope you're not beating yourself up - be kind to yourself and turn your anger against the addiction. You are not the addiction. The addiction is IN you but you are not it.

Choose to be the YOU that is a non smoking you.

Best wishes

nsd_user663_53649 profile image
nsd_user663_53649

Kyle, I understand your pain, I was six months quit and the exact same thing happened, I stuck with about three or four a day for a while but it crept up, I went back to smoking, it took me another six months to get my head around it again. Had I tried a week in like you are doing It would have been easier.

My second quit I have regained that mindset I had last time that no I don't want to smoke, so the craves seem to be easier to beat. A sudden death of a young person and the stupid idea of just doing something familiar is what tripped me up. I hope you are still reading this, I hope that you will come on and post that yea your a few weeks smoke free since posting this, but even if you are not, don't fret about it, just keep the non smoker thoughts, and then just say ok, enough messing about I am going to get rid of this nasty weed and get angry with it...... ha ha.

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