Popcorn Read

[Magic214]

Hello everyone, I want to start by saying I’ve had some beautiful days the past couple of months. I found a great therapist, psychiatrist, changed my regular physician and started taking fluvoxamine to treat my OCD as I was preparing for ERP.

Everyone who told me to take meds was 100% right. It took some time adjusting, but I was so calm, happy and hopeful. I’ve never felt this great and I was so proud of myself.

My bf of 5 years and I are still together and I have a 7 year old daughter by my ex boyfriend. Long story short, he has gotten me pregnant 4 times and I lost all 4 babies due to miscarriages. I’m certain he didn’t want any of the babies and birth control had me soo sick that I could remain on it. My OBGYN did not want to get my tubes tied bc of only having 1 kid.

He promised me after the first 3 miscarriages, he would respect my body and my wishes of not wanting another kid right now. On Oct 18, 2021, I tested positive for the 4th pregnancy with him. I was devastated. I had to immediately stop all my medications for the harm they would do to the baby and my decline has been by far the deepest depression yet. We discussed abortions and it seem like that was the only time he had input….never to say, no we are keeping this baby and I want it.

I believe I just passed the fetus and my heart broke as soon as i did. I’m not sure when this battle will be complete, but the pregnancy had me incredibly sick everyday. I had to choose my life or the baby and idk why but I wish I could have saved the baby and not me.

I know I can get better because baby!!!! I busted my butt to get this far, and I’m fighting the ocd thoughts, I’m fighting the urge to do rituals, but without my medication, I feel useless. I’m stuck and I really could use some kind words.

❤️❤️🙄

[LuvSun]

I’m sorry to hear about your loss. Take care of yourself.

[Magic214 in reply to LuvSun]

Thank you!

[bulldog71]

I’m sorry for all that you have been through. My wife and I have had a few miscarriages. They do break your heart for what could have been. I think your friends who recommended Luvox were 100% correct. I am on Luvox too and it puts a huge dent in my ocd. Just remember you have brought none of this on yourself. Life can be hard sometimes but it can also be beautiful. Just remember if you ever need to talk we are all here for you. God bless you on your journey.

[Magic214 in reply to bulldog71]

Thank you my friend.

[Brighter_Days]

May God bless and keep you and mend your broken heart. May He give you the strength and courage to face each and every day in knowing He loves you and will never leave you….❤️

[Magic214 in reply to Brighter_Days]

Amen. Thank you my friend.

[outtasnacks97]

Thank you for being open about what you're going through. It's really powerful of you to let it out and for people to hear you. You will find recovery and comfort!

[Magic214 in reply to outtasnacks97]

Thank you soo much! I’m usually so proud, but when I hear that I’m being brave, it makes me feel good about opening up!

[Hidden]

Can he use condoms?

[Magic214 in reply to Hidden]

I bought a very expensive box of condoms that he never uses because he says it brings me more pleasure. I’m definitely feeling low about not standing up for myself more and demanding that he respects my body. I try not to beat myself up too much as the constant loss of babies has been a terrible punishment for me.

[Hidden]

Wait, he doesn't use condoms because they bring you more pleasure? But shouldn't he WANT to bring you joy & pleasure and peace of mind? He's your boyfriend! He sounds cruel, maybe even a sadist. Magic, you need to end this relationship. Message me privately if you need help or want to discuss more