Hey all! I haven’t posted or commented in a while as this holiday season and past month have been a doozy since my wife decided to walk out, but I wanted to take time before I head to my OCD support group to say a few things...
Though my marriage ended in flames and my OCD was largely to blame... I want to tell the contrary... my OCD was not too blame and my marriage ended in flames due to my wife’s inability to cope, her lack of communication, her lies, her affairs, her lack of empathy, and her gaslighting... she said that it was because of my OCD, that is hard to hear, but I know that it is an excuse.
What I’m trying to say is that you are not a burden and your condition is not an excuse... we are all human and we are all deserving! Personally, yes, my OCD was severe and it was taxing, but that is not a reason to abandon someone. I am happy to have my daughters! I’m fighting for full custody, but it’s at least agreed that she only gets one day and one overnight. Furthermore, I am proud to have been trained so well during treatment that I know how to react in a true crisis, and in a bizarre way I’m glad I had to utilize my tools so quickly.
Lastly, I want to touch on the title of this post... gaslighting. Now, gaslighting is cruel in general, but it is especially cruel for someone with OCD... this damn doubters disease. Be careful and trust yourself. I survived gaslighting, and because I remained calm and persistent and have the courts on my side I wore my wife down to openly admit to her actions... she admitted to me today that she had been lying to me for years, cheating on me, trying to push me, manipulating me, wanting to hurt me and exhaust me... I endured, and now she has relented. I am sad for her, but I have a sense of relief now having arrived at this juncture. What’s done is done, but if I survived it so can you!
I do not believe that this is what love or intimacy is destined to be for me, or anyone else suffering from OCD. I choose to believe in the goodness of people. I choose empathy. I choose forgiveness. I choose gratitude. I believe in love and I know that you all can attain beautiful companionship too. Everything is temporary, and this is but another trial I must endure.
Much love! - PT