My son (18) has been struggling OCD for a couple of years now, and it seems to be getting more intense.
His participation in school (was dropped from 2 classes his first semester at college due to excessive lateness) and work (has been written up for lateness and poor performance) have suffered. He’s been prescribed Zoloft but is resistant to taking it consistently, and doesn’t think talk therapy with his therapist (OCD specialist) is worthwhile.
I’m constantly battling between compassion and frustration, and I don’t know what to do. His contamination OCD traps him in cycles of hand washing for as long as 40 minutes (if I’m not there when he asks for reassurance to stop), and when I am there, it’s a constant distraction and interruption (for him and for me) every hour of the day with trips back and forth to wash hands.
The result is a constant mess of discarded paper towels all over the kitchen counters, soap and suds filling up the sink, water everywhere.
Besides the hand washing there’s the issue of discarded clothes that he won’t touch (would prefer I throw them away), discarded everything all over bc he can’t touch the trash can.
My heart breaks bc I know how frustrated and distressed this all makes him, and I want nothing more than for him to be free and happy and confident. At the same time I’m so frustrated by the constant state of chaos. I have to battle against enabling and providing reassurance and losing my absolute sh…(patience).
We’ve had many conversations about this, but I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.
Any other parents going through this? Any suggestions or perspective that could help? Thank you - this community has been such a great resource so far.
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First off I congratulate you for being such a caring concerning parent for your son. I imagine it must be very frustrating for you. I am not a parent of someone with OCD, rather I am a sufferer for over 35+ years. Many young people on this forum say that they do not have any parental support which makes me sad because OCD can be very hard at times. Perhaps you may want to look into some more intensive treatment therapy for him either online or at a medical center. There is a lot of info on this site regarding this. He can get a better control with extra help. Lots of good books also for self treatment. Maybe you can introduce him to this forum if he hasn’t been on it as well. My best wishes for both of you.
I can totally relate to your post, we have a 17.5 year old very similar to your situation. My husband and I are going through SPACE training via atparentingsurvivalschool.com/ and going to a SPACE trained therapist to help use be stronger and united.
Based on Eli Lobewitz Yale book breaking free of anxiety and ocd. Also maybe share this resource with your son Just for reference, here is the IOCDF recommendation for OCD dosages: kids.iocdf.org/professional....
Wow, we are in similar situations. Our daughter is 18. Excessive hand washing, avoids laundry, we have to hide paper products in the house, she's doing only one hour a week on campus at school, the rest of the time she's isolated herself in our house, mostly staying in her room. We have offered and tried everything for her. We now are at the point that we need her to want to help herself. We can't do it for her. It's sooo hard. Sooo sad but we feel like our hands are tied. I wish I had an answer for you. But know you aren't alone.
As a parent of an adult child that has struggled with contamination OCD since about 4th grade, I can totally relate to ALL of your emotions related to your son. First, know you are not alone and there is HOPE for your family! Medication helps my child, but we found out the hard way that consistent use is very important for the brain to function "properly." Over the years we have had our mountaintop experiences and walked through the valleys. OCD recovery is a marathon, not a sprint. Patience and understanding are required! SPACE, mentioned in another reply, might be very helpful for you family. Most important, in my opinion and experience, is your son has to be ready to do the hard work of ERP therapy, the gold standard of treatment for OCD. Also, when your son chooses his values (how he wants his life to be) over OCD's rules, you all will see improvement. Recovery is not easy, but is possible with the right help. IOCDF.org has a lot of resources including live streams for family members. Remember, there is hope! Be encouraged, and take good care of yourself!
Hiya, not a parent but I relate heavily to your son (although getting out of it now)- just wanted to say you might not feel like it, but you sound very compassionate and like your doing the best you can. The resistant could be due to the denial of how bad it is, and I would recommend looking into SSRI'S- just on the off chance it may help. I'm not sure if it would work for him, but getting some baby wipes or hand sanitiser might help with the hand washing, im not sure what branch of contamination ocd he might have (If it's about the germs it might help, although I find my contamination ocd isn't about germs but just about the touch itself, so I'm not sure if it will help). It might also help to talk and come up with a list of everything that distresses him in the house- e.g. touching taps, that sort of thing- and coming up with a routine or some sort of plan to both accomodate the need so he isn't so frustrated all the time, which might help with him getting/ wanting help- at first when my contamination ocd got worse, I was very distressed but now that I've gotten a routine and gotten used to 'outside' clothes and 'inside' clothes (e.g. clothes I wear outside my room, and inside my room), I've found that I feel more calmer, despite the fact my ocd is as bad as before. In regards to the trash can, it might be useful finding an open topped trashcan specfically for his things, or a box or just anything where he doesn't have to touch it to put stuff in. I also found something that really helped me was getting a pair of 'indoor' shoes- a pair of shoes which I never wear outdoors so I'm allowed to wear them outside my room so my feet/ socks remain 'safe'. I hope this helps, my heart goes out to you and your situation
Providing accommodations for the OCD reinforces the obsessions. The hand sanitizer and indoor/outdoor shoes would be used as compulsions in this situation. The accommodations and compulsions strengthen the OCD cycle.
In my opinion, contesting OCD isn't as easy as simply denying any sort of accommodations.ERP has to be done in steps, you can't just jump from the bottom of the staircase to the top.
What Cas has mentioned is a step in the right direction into being able to manage the fear and anxiety of contamination OCD. While it isn't a full solution, it is still based on some valuable experience that can help someone de-escalate their OCD and potentially work into better mechanisms of treating their OCD.
sorry just saw this- thank you for your reply! That is the main aim of what I am tryna do with mine lol, it has sort of started to help, thank you for keeping an open mind!
Hello, i keep it short. Our story is long. My son never had ocd before in his life. He is now 21 years old. I have searched and searched. He has so many other symptoms. Now i know his ocd is caused by mold, yes MOLD, in his former bedroom. He also got B12 deficiency, and lately suddenly food intolerances. Which also can trigger symptoms. His whole body and mind are off. It's so so sad. Many people don't know nothing about the danger of mold. Doctors don't know anything either. I just want to tell you this. I wish you all the best.
Zoloft is indicated for OCD for symptom control I took it and it works and your son should take it REGULARLY until his doctor says otherwise he needs to be seen by a psychiatrist in addition to a psychologist there is help for this.
My 19 year old daughter has struggled with severe contamination OCD since she was 12. I highly recommend intensive treatment (such as Rogers) followed by therapy with someone who specializes in ERP therapy. Many therapists treat OCD, but you need someone who specializes in OCD treatment. You also need a psychiatrist to manage meds. Zoloft is the first drug of choice for OCD and helps many people, but it barely put a dent in my daughter’s symptoms. There are a number of other drugs used to treat OCD that can help.
He can and will get better, but it is a long road. At one time my daughter was completely house bound and would only eat certain foods prepared in specific ways. Last month she stayed in a hotel, attended a crowded event at a theater, and ate in several restaurants. He has to want it though. You can only do so much until he is willing to fight for improvement. The right medication and therapy will give him the tools he needs.
Best of luck to you and your son. It is so hard to be patient with them and so difficult to put together the best treatment plan, but seeing my daughter healing after years of struggle is such a blessing.
Hi, my heart breaks for you. Pretty much the same situation here. I have dealt with my own OCD. Our 18 year old son has also been dealing with OCD for about 3 years as well. He is also a freshman in college after a somewhat challenging high school experience. Keep in mind this was even tougher for kids their age because of COVID and the worldwide shutdown. I have flip flopped between huge compassion for our son and complete frustration trying to raise him at the same time dealing with my own OCD. We all love our children and want the best for them. We know in our hearts that compassion is the absolute right way to go. We are human though and our feelings of frustration are natural as well. It is extremely difficult to see our children struggle. Your son is not alone. You are not alone.
Hi!! It's awsome you have so much care for your son and your relationship. My mother is Schizophrenic and my dad has major depression. Thy were emotionaly distant. I first noticed OCD symptoms when I was only 10. My parents neglected teaching or supporting emotional regulation of stressful situations. And no therapy when I needed it most. When I was 18 I moved out. Thy didn't want me to live there and I wasn't comfortable there either. It's difficult for others to understand the extreme urge of being compelled to act in ways you don't like. Your just trying to feel better. To silence the intence fear.
Reassure to your son that his situation will improve in time. That you don't have to over think and do rituals if you dont want to. I've done therapy on and off for 28 years and just now in the past 2 years really learning the applicable skills of how to control my thoughts, emotions and actions. I started with small manageable goals. Resisting rituals or obsession for 1 minute letting the anxiety be there and stop avoiding. Then slowly increase from there over time. Not to overwhelm and give up. I had to have faith in the therapy and use it. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But the improvement was profound. The peace, self worth and optimism for a fulfilling futer brings me to tears at times.
It will always be in the back of my mind. It's how you think and process information. But you can change it if you want to and know how. By managing symptoms enough that it's almost cured and looses impact on your life.
Understand why he doesn't like therapy. Find a therapist that focuses on behavioral changes. To talk about problems and how to improve them. What I've learned and applied is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Exposer and Responce Prevention, ACT which is Acceptance and Comitment to change. And Mindfulness Meditation. Through Neuroplasticity we change the structure and function of the brain. By learning new skills of thought action.
Understand why he dose not like medication. I've taken 15 different ones throughout my life. Antipsychotics, Antidepressants and Anti-anxiety meds. I stopped taking them becouse of all the side effects. Some actually increasing anxiety. And horrible symptoms in the body. And thy didn't work all that well. I stopped taking then a few years ago. I now take suppliments.
Maybe try GABA, Theanine, 5-HTP, L-Tyrosine, Magnesium, Functional Adaptigen Mushrooms and Kratom. With the Kratom take the lowest possable effective nutropic dose. I take 2.5 grams three times daily. Thy support Serotonin Dopamine, Epinephrine and GABA. Thought to play a role in OCD in the Prefrontal Cortex executive function and emotion centers in the brains neuropathways. There's very little side effects for me and thy realy calm me down, and help me focus my thoughts with less intrusions. And less power of compulsion on me. They work for me better then the pharmaceutical meds. And are available everywhere. Mostly.
I love this Behavioral Therapist also with free videos on YouTube. Named Therapy in a Nutshell.
SSRI medications and ERP therapy are empirically proven and have helped many of us with OCD. Unfortunately they are only effective if you take the meds and do the therapy. It seems the problem is that your son is still unwilling to do what it takes to get better, not that he can't get better.
A lot of us have needed "tough love" from our families to finally tackle our OCD and face the challenges of therapy. OCD is affecting your son's brain's fear centers, and to him nothing seems as important as making those fears go away. His compulsions are the easiest short-term way of doing that. As long as he can "get away" with doing compulsions as a means of calming his OCD fears, he will likely continue doing them, even though they are only making his OCD stronger and recovery harder.
He may well be miserable with the way he is living. I think most people with moderate to severe OCD are aware of how stupid the disorder is and how it is ruining their lives and the lives of their loved ones. The problem is that the fears are stronger. To an observer, all the cleaning and avoidance of contamination seems ridiculous because it's obvious there's no significant contamination there. But to the sufferer, the contamination seems real and the threat feels overwhelming. It makes perfect sense to your son to create chaos in your family and compromise his school and work performance, because as bad as those things are, they are still better than the awful consequences he believes might happen if he doesn't do his compulsions.
All that is to say that he needs to have a motivation to get better that outweighs the fear of getting better. Only you know the details of how you are currently handling things, and what the best approach is for your son, but it is easy for many parents to become too accommodating. If there are ways you can increase the consequences of his rituals, that might push him toward taking his meds and getting help. Maybe make him pay for all the paper towels and soap, and make him keep common areas of the house as neat and clean as you'd expect them to be without OCD in the picture. You might tell him that as long as he refuses help, you are no longer going to put up with his messes, coach him through handwashing, or deal with his "dirty" clothes and trash. Perhaps he can have one room in the house where he can live however his OCD wants him to live, but as long as he's living rent-free he doesn't get to impact the rest of the house.
Balancing between "compassion and frustration" is difficult, but remember with OCD that "compassion" can be counterintuitive. Often, NOT reassuring and NOT assisting in rituals are the best things families can do to help their loved ones break free. And, in my case at least, knowing that I was headed for rock-bottom unless *I* did something to change was the most motivating factor in my recovery.
You obviously care about your son and want him to get better. You mentioned that his therapist is an OCD specialist who does talk therapy. Many therapists claim to be OCD specialists who aren’t actually OCD specialists. An OCD specialist wouldn’t use talk therapy for OCD because it isn’t effective for OCD and can even make it worse. ERP has the most research backing its effectiveness and that’s why it’s considered the gold standard treatment. Old school ERP was basically an habituation model but now it may also be supplemented by the inhibitory model, Acceptance Commitment Therapy and DBT(specifically the mindfulness and distress tolerance components). Motivational Interviewing may be used. A thorough psychoeducation about OCD should be given before beginning ERP. There are approximately 2,000 therapists trained in the United States to provide ERP but only about 500 therapists who are actually OCD specialists who keep up their education and training in OCD. The skill level of the provider can vary. A couple of people mentioned the SPACE program. This is a program for you as a caregiver. You might hear some recommendations from others in the program on OCD specialists. Also, the IOCDF has recently started a livestream for loved ones of those with OCD. The livestreams have a chat feature. I think that particular livestream meets once a month on Thursdays? You can go to iocdf.org and click on livestreams to learn more about it .
I am on sertraline aswel and it is the best for me personally. When I was young his age I jumped in and out of the bath tub about twenty times to reach a certain number and I had a row off my mother fir soaking her carpet in bathroom. But once she realised why I did it she understood and apologised as it was the illness. I suffered worse then with contamination about toilet germs etc I still flush the toilet with my knee and wash my hands if I think it's contaminated with other people's genital germs, such as I'm pubs etc where not everyone washes their hands. Sertraline has helped me a little with the anxiety, thus not making me fear contamination so much. It also has slowed down my constant rumination, repeating version in my head over and over. I would recommend him going on zoloft also known as Sertraline as its suitable for ocd as a ssri. I would recommend erp therapy which I know about. When he feels the need to do a compulsion start off slow,don't wash himself for five min a day to start once he gets the urge. Then ten minutes, when he's ready. Like I pick up something or touch something I I think may be contaminated likes shaking someone's hand or something and try not to do the compulsion as long as possible without cleaning myself or doing mental rituals start off as slow as possible. Start a hierarchy and work himself up and try to not give into compulsion as long as possible. Sertraline helped me, he reminds me of myself. Just ha cc e him sit with the anxiety and feel uncomfortable for as long as he can. Even if it's just five min to start, it's progress once he done that, do ten mins. But also don't swap one compulsion for the other if he stops cleaning don't have him reassurance seeking as that is also a sneaky compulsion. Be understanding, but say I love you but I have to not reassure you as it will make your ocd worse by feeding it. The more he feeds it the more it will grow. Go as long without doing any compulsion. Sorry long winded message, but he should go on Sertraline aka zoloft
I am not a parent, but rather someone who goes through OCD. I can’t imagine how hard it is for you as a parent to see this. I will suggest that keeping up with medication consistently is very key. The medication that is taken daily takes time to build up a level in the body to be effective. If you miss a dose every so often, it never gets the chance to reach an effective level. Also, I would say that being with a therapist who specializes in OCD is massive!! I know it’s hard and it’s frustrating at times in therapy, but like the medication, time AND effort given is key. The more you put into therapy and completing the homework, the more you get out of it. It’s hard because you don’t see instant results, so it becomes easy to toss it aside, but stick with it and it slowly becomes easier.
hi. It’s a horrible place to be in. My son had similar issues and it’s very difficult to deal with. My son was also diagnosed with adhd. There were two things that seem to have helped - one of these may be irrelevant. He was diagnosed (eventually) with celiacs disease. That apparently can have devastating effects on mental health. So it may be worth getting his general physical health checked. Celiac particularly has some very odd symptoms. Secondly, his adhd meds have had a good effect, and he’s no longer cleaning etc as much as he did. The other good thing was DBT (not CBT). Dialectical Behavioural Therapy is much more practical, rather than just talking. I underwent it too because like you, I just didn’t know what to do or how to help. I would suggest you contact DBT UK Ltd, Darryl Christie. It wasn’t cheap but the benefits were amazing. I was having a nervous breakdown watching my son do this (and other stuff) and it taught me how to deal with it. It teaches them how to look at things. It was originally designed for Borderline Personality Disorder but has helped many people. I hope this helps, I hope he gets better. Just realised you are probably in the US, home of DBT. Look up Marsha Linehan.
Hi, I'm not a fellow parent but I can definitely relate to your son. Throughout high school I have struggled with attendance issues because I would need to wash my hands in between class and need to do it a certain amount of times or just skip the class because I'm too overwhelmed about what is triggering me or what could possibly trigger me. Because of this, I struggled to keep up. My grades plummeted and I just wanted to give up. I don't do homework at home because I have too many stressors there and it makes it hard to get anything done. I've had to drop gym classes because I'm worried about contamination.
I have never done therapy or taken any medication for my disorder so I can't offer my assistance in that specific area but I do know there are other approaches that could work just as well. I think with school you need to help him put it into perspective of how this will affect him later on in life and any goals that he might have. Something I've agreed upon with my parents is that I will tackle one fear or "dirty" thing once a week. I used to have the same issue with hand washing and leaving messes behind me because I thought they were "dirty". One thing that I've done at home is exposure therapy. Basically you intentionally expose yourself to something you fear is "dirty" and just sit in the uncomfortableness. Eventually that fear will lessen or pass away. In some cases it might not and that is totally okay. Sometimes you need to accept that there are some things that you aren't ready for. Just be sure to work up to a level you think he could manage.
For me, I have gone about my day touching things that I think are contaminated and fight the urge not to wash my hands. I've gone about it little by little and I've gone for hours without returning to the sink. I'm still currently working on it and feel the need to wash them before touching certain things I consider "clean" but like I mentioned, its a slow tedious process and its gonna take a while before you make any notable progress.
My parents have helped me by reassuring me that it'll be okay but only offer that assurance once. As someone with OCD we are constantly seeking reassurance for our fears even after we've received them. Just give the single reassurance and let the rest happen. My parents have made it very clear that they love me and only want me to be happy and live a normal life. Make sure that your son understands your compassion and frustrations. Whenever I make the slightest bit of progress, they let me know it in any loving way possible. Make sure to do that too.
I think, for me personally, hiding paper products has not helped. I could just air dry my hands. I used to use things like paper towels and even ziplock bags to touch things I thought were "dirty". My parents resorted to hiding them but I would just find something else to use. I think directly addressing the issue is the best way to tackle it. I think that as long as you show that you're willing to help him through this, then it will give him the little hope needed to try and do better.
I guess, as for the pills, I didn't want to take any because I wanted to feel like I was in control. I was worried what they might do to affect me and how I think so I decided my best bet was just to deal with it myself. Dealing with all of this stress is not easy to do on your own. Make sure he knows that you are always there to help. I used to not go to my parents because I was afraid they would react in a bad way. Maybe you could approach him first and in a way that shows the compassion you have for him.
If you have any other questions, I will gladly answer them to the best of my ability. I want you to know that I'm proud that you are still willing to keep trying and the amount of compassion you have for your son. I know you both can do this and I'll be sure to keep you in my prayers.
Really recommend you try taking one of the online courses from Asperger’s Experts. I understand that you’re dealing with OCD, but there are commonalities, and this group has some solid information that can give you hope and tools right away. Business is owned by a young man who suffered greatly and found his way to a fairly normal life. Sending love. aspergerexperts.com/topics/...
I am going through more or less the same thing with my adult son. I feel so sad and upset that I cannot help him and it is now affecting my health too. I feel life is just in a downward spiral. I really feel for you as I know how hard this is.
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