Existential/philosophical/conspiracy theory OCD

[disneyandme]

Hi guys!

I was diagnosed with OCD in April of 2019 and am now managing it a lot better than back then. But out of curiosity, how many of you with OCD struggle with existential OCD? Questions about life, who we are, why we’re here, where we go when we die, am I real? Etc. All of life’s large and unanswerable questions. I’m aware this is OCD, Ive worked with my therapist on it for a long time now, just curious if anyone can relate. It also tends to focus on conspiracy theories and obsessing over if they’re true or not (for example: the theory that royals were actually shape shifting reptilians that are ruling the world- sounds ridiculous, I know, but OCD loves it. No I don’t want you to comment your opinion on this theory and spur on my obsession). Again, just wondering how common this type of OCD obsession is! Hope everyone is doing well, keep working hard and fighting because life with OCD is manageable and fulfilling with hard work.

[Greensummer18]

Hi disneyandme! Yes I had those exact same obsessions about a year ago. Especially the "am I real" obsession. It's so weird because logically I knew I was real, but I couldn't get myself to believe it. Like I had to keep touching things or feeling places where I sat to feel if it was warm where I was sitting to make sure i actually sat there. It was a weird feeling. At the time I guess it never dawned on me that it was ocd. But looking back now I know it was. I've also struggled with the other obsessions you men as well. The good thing is that you recognize it's OCD playing tricks on you. Just know your not alone my friend! Shoot me a pm if you ever want to chat. Sending lots of love and hugs. Mary

[Aleese]

Hi Disney Girl-

It’s been a while, Thinking of you.🙂

It sounds like you’ve made great progress, that is so wonderful. It takes time and hard work,

Blessings-

Aleese

[disneyandme in reply to Aleese]

Hi Aleese! I hope you’re well. I still think of you often, as my OCD has greatly improved I don’t go on this app nearly as much — a good thing I suppose. Thanks for all of your support these past 8 months or so. Blessings to you as well and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving. ❤️

[Aleese in reply to disneyandme]

Hi Disney girl! It’s nice to hear from you and so glad you are doing well. That is wonderful of your great improvement working thru OCD👍🏼I don’t go on this app as much as I used to either. But, I do think of you : )Have a lovely Thanksgiving and thank you for your wishes too😘 keep up the good work-

Aleese

[Shannyx]

I'm currently waiting for help for existential OCD. My last themes were harm and sexual harm which with therapy were treated quite quickly. Back then I thought it couldn't get any worse until this. My main questions revolve around death and what comes next. I'm driving myself mad trying to answer all the questions my brain is throwing me. It's sad because I'm so interested in astronomy and wanted to end up working in that area but think it would be impossible at the moment. The hardest part is my brain is telling me it isnt OCD because all these questions have answers and are mysteries to us all. I feel like I'm asking the right questions and every one else is oblivious, all conversations and things I was interested in seem irrelevant now. My anxiety is the highest it's ever been and I have never feared death as much as I do now and the fact that everyone I love will one day join me. I hope therapy starts soon because I cant handle this. Glad to see your recovering Disneyandme !

[disneyandme in reply to Shannyx]

Hey girl! In the beginning of 2019 I was in the exact same boat as you, and I wanna start out by saying I never in a million years thought I would recover from this. I felt deeply sad, scared, and alone. I also felt like I was the only one asking the right questions and couldn’t understand how everyone went about their day to day lives not desperately trying to answer these questions. I probably went through thousands of different philosophical questions and their potential answers. I will always have OCD, as will you, but I can tell you that there will come a time when this will only pop into your head maybe once a month. And you’ll only spend a few seconds on it. It takes a lot of effort to get there as you know with other themes of OCD. I never thought I’d be able to have a religion, or go to a science museum for example. Today, I feel 95% like a person without OCD. The same questions you have still exist somewhere in my mind, but they’re more in the backseat rather than the drivers seat. They will be for you too once you get treatment for these types of thoughts. The one thing I want to make clear is: there are no right answers to these questions. You will never find them. (I know that this is triggering, and right now OCD is saying, no no no there IS an answer out there and I have to find it or else I’m in danger!! Someone else out there has to have the answer and they’re in the know and i’m not!! This girl just doesn’t understand how important it is!!). Trust me, I get it. You’re talking to the literal queen of existential OCD. I used to spend all of my waking hours ruminating and researching these questions. I feel for you so much right now, the events going on in the world are extremely triggering for existential OCD, along with the amount of free time on our hands for most of us. Stay strong, some day all of this will feel like a very distant memory. My OCD at its worst was a mental torture like no other, and today I look back on it and wish I could’ve seen the light at the other side on the tunnel. Based on your profile picture, you look young. I’m only 21 myself, I used to feel so alone thinking I was the only one around me my age with these issues. You aren’t! Therapy will help you so much, and until you can get it, try your best to resist googling/rumination/reassurance (or any other compulsion) when you feel yourself reaching for it. Redirect yourself and focus on something else of value. I know it feels like theres nothing that can get your mind to stop thinking about it. It takes time and practice and acceptance. Tell yourself, “Maybe there is no answer. Or, maybe there is an answer and I’ll never know what it is”. Don’t argue with this statement or try to disprove it through compulsions. Feel your anxiety rise when you do this and resist compulsions. It will fall back down over time. I could write a novel on how to treat existential OCD, but I’m not a therapist so do your best to hold on! Please please please understand these awful never ending questions will not haunt you forever, and finding the “answer” will never be the solution. Way easier said than done, I know!!! But at least have hope in the meantime. You got this!!

[pinkcrafty]

Hi Disneyandme,

I don't come on here often but I'm just now seeing your post and wanted to say that I suffer from existential OCD and its horrible just like all the other types of OCD. I feel more alone because its less talked of and even more alone because mine mainly revolves around the fear of death and what happens after. I enjoy mysteries and conspiracy theories until it becomes a trigger which then takes me into a spiral of thoughts and emotions that sound crazy when trying to explain to others. I am so glad you can live mostly free of these thoughts and hope I can get there soon. My OCD also morphs often but will always go back to existential. I'm only 20 and was diagnosed less than a year ago which makes it hard to find connections especially with people around my age and with the thoughts I have. If you feel like talking more about your experience with your existential thoughts and what helped you break those consistent thoughts please feel free to message me because I would love to know!

[disneyandme in reply to pinkcrafty]

Hi pinkcrafty!! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with existential OCD, trust me when I say I know the torture that it inflicts. It feels endless when you’re in the throws of it. I was 19 about to turn 20 when I was diagnosed with OCD. This was after months and months of not knowing what was wrong with me. One of my main existential obsessions was the fear of death and what comes after. This would also morph into religious OCD, thinking that I needed to figure out what the “right” religion was so I could solve everything. For me this came months after the death of my grandfather (although OCD does not need a reason behind why it latches on to any one obsession). It really is hard to find connections to others our age who experience this, I’ve always said that if you met me or knew me in person you’d have no idea I had been suffering. I really just look like the classic 21 year old girl on instagram who looks as though their life is great. Try to remember that you’re not alone, and there really are people out there who understand. Existential OCD is definitely less talked about sadly but its just as real as any other “types” of OCD and is treated the same as others (using ERP). Like I said in response to the comment below this, you’ll come out on the other side of this and be able to enjoy things like mysteries again. We’re both in our early 20s, and the fact that we’ve already identified our OCD is so good and gives us a head start at treating it. Some don’t know what their thoughts mean until their 40s and needlessly suffer. I was able to diagnose myself with OCD by researching online (the one good outcome of my compulsions lol) and then found an OCD therapist a few months later and started ERP. I’m so grateful I did and if you don’t have one yet and are able to do so I strongly recommend it. I’m not on here as often as I was when my OCD was bad, but feel free to message me anytime and I’ll try to help as best as I can! Script work was the biggest thing that helped my existential OCD

[Godisgood_]

Hi! Meeeeee! I’m actually happy I read this....I’ve been thinking I’m the only one. I used to LOVE conspiracy stories. Like I would watch them on YouTube for hours. This year I hit a really bad place and my OCD is worse than ever. Just last week I had to keep making sure peoples eyes were not like snake eyes -_- so bad I had to leave the gym and cry. I’m aware that no one actually has them but I can’t stop thinking what if. It sucks....alien stuff freaks me out too.

[disneyandme in reply to Godisgood_]

Hi!! I’m so happy you found this post and can relate, when I was at my worst all I ever wanted was to hear someone say what I was experiencing! I used to love conspiracy theories as well and was able to put them away after and go on with my day. But when my OCD took ahold of me it latched onto this obsession! OCD tends to focus on things that are important/meaningful to you unfortunately. Believe it or not I had the same thing happen to me many times while at the gym- I’d be stuck in my thoughts and look around at everyone and attach one of my obsessions to it. I definitely was once at the gym and had to check if there eyes were like snake eyes, etc. and I’d end up walking out and crying in my car. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, I empathize with you so much. Just know that with an OCD therapist and using ERP you’ll be able to come to a place where these thoughts don’t debilitate you anymore. And if it offers you any hope- just yesterday I was watching a somewhat conspiracy youtube video (well not conspiracy but more of an unsolved mystery/missing person case- anything “unsolved” my OCD hated). I didn’t even realize until after how far this meant I’d come that I was able to find joy in something like that again. Just remember that no amount of rumination, reassurance, or googling will give you the answer your OCD wants. It will convince you there is one, but really the solution is ERP. Good luck, and as your username says, God really is good and he will bring you out of this with time the same way he did with me. I didn’t think it could happen, and it did 😊

[Godisgood_ in reply to disneyandme]

Thank you for sharing! I am seeking a therapist that specializes in OCD, so I hope it works! So happy you are doing better! God is good 😊

[LoveUrNeighbor in reply to disneyandme]

Hey, I have been suffering severely with conspiracy OCD, in particular with the illuminati and the dollar bill and the devil and all of that crap I've sucked myself into. It all started with the Travis Scott concert back in November and it's gone downhill ever since. I won't listen to the music I used to love. In fact, I don't listen to any music but Christian and Lo-fi because I have such a mistrust and overwhelming fear of the music industry. This obsession has completely derailed my life and purpose and I'm trying not to give into the thoughts... but it feels like hell. Any suggestions? I'll take anything at this point.

[LoveUrNeighbor in reply to Godisgood_]

Hey God is Good (Amen!), I have been suffering severely with conspiracy OCD, in particular with the illuminati and the dollar bill and the devil and all of that crap I've sucked myself into. It all started with the Travis Scott concert back in November and it's gone downhill ever since. I won't listen to the music I used to love. In fact, I don't listen to any music but Christian and Lo-fi because I have such a mistrust and overwhelming fear of the music industry. This obsession has completely derailed my life and purpose and I'm trying not to give into the thoughts... but it feels like hell. Any suggestions? I'll take anything at this point.

[DeathtoOCD]

Not exclusively, but when I first had it I wonder why I had it and what caused it, so sort of.

[Tennis1818]

disneyandme 4 years late lol but just came across this thread and it's amazing!! Thanks for sharing and the comments are so uplifting from everyone.

I'm 28 from Australia and was diagnosed with OCD recently having struggled with it episodically for the last decade+ in different forms never knowing there was an underlying mechanism causing it (every episode was seemingly unrelated even as irrational as they have been). My recurring one was believing I had "ruined" my brain various times after smoking weed a few times when I was younger or taking recreational drugs on occasion and would literally be in a state of fight or flight angst for months at a time thinking I would never return to "normal"

Over the last 2-3 years I have really struggled with existentially themed OCD which has been the longest/most persistant in nature that I have experienced, thoughts as you describe e.g. "how can I know anyone else is real since I have only experienced my own consciousness and can't prove they aren't just my own projection" very scary/isolating even though irrational -amongst many, many others. I have spent hundreds of hours on youtube for theories of the origins of the universe / nature of reality etc but try and avoid this now understanding what it is. Every episode does feel like the worst and the one that can't possibly get better even though looking back they have all eventually eased over time in the past.

I really didn't think anyone else out there would also be experiencing this or that help/hope for this "existential" type of OCD was even remotely possible but thanks to this thread that has changed. I am going to reach out to therapists for help, curios if you or ppl in this thread have tried medication?