From Intensity to Acceptance

[80_Zil_ian]

Hey everyone,

I’ve shared my case before, mostly by commenting on other posts… This time, I want to discuss how OCD crises evolve over the years when they come sporadically.

My first major crisis 20 years ago was terrifying—I lost almost all my friends, nearly lost my job, and it took years of medication and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to reach near remission (though not permanently). Back then, my symptoms, mainly HOCD, were overwhelming, but learning about the disorder brought hope. Every new case I read, every book, therapy session, and even every new pack of SSRIs felt like a step toward improvement.

Today, after several less intense crises and persistent symptoms, I’m facing a new form of OCD: ruminating over real but irrelevant events and irrationally blaming myself. While I no longer feel that consuming fear, I also feel less hopeful. OCD has become such a constant in my life that I can’t imagine being without it.

Medication? Helps but doesn’t solve it.

Therapy? Requires dedication I no longer have.

Studying OCD? I’ve learned enough about my case.

Have you ever felt like you’ve reached a point where you accept that this is just who you are?

Part of my OCD tells me it’s a form of balance—that because I’m fortunate in other areas, I don’t deserve all that good, and OCD keeps me in check. Accepting it as part of me instead of an enemy feels better, but it’s strange to no longer have that hopeful feeling of one day being free from it…

When I fought this Thing years ago as an enemy, it was kind of a motivation to believe I would win, even in the middle of a terrible battle. Now, this feeling of “If this were a war between me and OCD, I guess we both lost” is strange sometimes

[LuvSun]

When I read your statement “Part of my OCD tells me it’s a form of balance—that because I’m fortunate in other areas, I don’t deserve all that good, and OCD keeps me in check. “ it really resonated with me. I have often felt the same way that I am blessed in many ways so maybe this OCD is something I just have to accept as a struggle.

[deValentin]

You're making a very good point. Maybe the idea of being free from OCD is deceiving. It's like with many mental disorders. People who overcome anorexia or a substance-use disorder can't say they're free from it. They can just say, "for now it's under reasonable control". In period of stress or complacency, it's so easy to return to one's old ways because it's a way (unsustainable though) to lessen anxiety or escape reality and feel better.

My way to handle some uncertainty over the progress or durability of my recovery is to tell myself, "I don't know what the future unfolds, but so far so good".

“Our main business is not to see what lies dimly at a distance, but to do what lies clearly at hand” (Thomas Carlyle).

[Madonna4]

I also think that therapy requires a lot of dedication and sometimes I'm tired of having to change and put an effort in everything even with medication it is still hard to meditate and to not pay attention to my thoughts and just let them be.. Sometimes I just want to relax and not try so hard...

[deValentin in reply to Madonna4]

I learned from experience that if I try too hard to get some desired results, I end up convincing myself that I may not desire those results after all, otherwise I wouln't find it so hard trying to get them.

The key is not to make therapy feel like a burden. How to make therapeutic exercises more enjoyable?

First of all, it has to be a personal choice, not just to please others or meet some social norms I don't agree with. It's like a diet to lose weight. If I do it to please someone else and a dispute arises between us, my first reflex will be to trash the diet.

Secondly, I need to see some progress, otherwise I'll find my efforts futile.

Thirdly, therapy has to be broken down in manageable bits. If it's overwhelming, it's discouraging. At the same time, if it's too easy, it's not challenging. One needs to find the right balance.

Fourthly, once the excitement of novelty has passed, motivation tends to wear off with the passing of time. It's like a marriage. The first love has to be maintained with periodically renewed emotional investment.

Finally, as we need to cultivate passions to find life meaningul, it's important not to sweat the small stuff. It's so easy to let the little things in life drive us crazy and ruin our good intentions.

Other members may also share their ways to keep their enthusiasm for OCD therapy alive and well.

[Madonna4 in reply to deValentin]

I saw some good progress before starting medications but it was really hard to get there and continue with it and then I saw even greater progress after a month of medication I didn't have to try so hard but now I am having a lot of side effects of the drugs and I put very little effort in applying what I learned in ACT therapy and now I sense that I am letting OCD have more control over me.. I stopped meditating went back to playing video game which for me is a compulsion I can't seem to play moderately.. I don't sleep well because I have nightmares from the medication but somehow in the day I function quite well and don't have problems at work any more. So I think I am in the middle and I am going to try and meditate again.

[deValentin in reply to Madonna4]

In my opinion, the key to OCD treatment is flexibility. If something doesn’t work as it should, why not try something else?

For instance, the need, type, and dosage of medication should be reviewed periodically by a psychiatrist. The benefits have to outweigh the drawbacks. SSRIs increase serotonin levels in the brain, a chemical messenger that plays a role in mood regulation. The Cleveland Clinic, which is generally considered a reputable source, lists several ways to increase serotonin levels. That may decrease the need for medication and therefore reduce the side effects. It’s a matter to discuss with your doctor.

Meditation is great, but it’s possible to vary it or take a pause if it lost its effectiveness. Gather as many techniques in your toolbox as possible, so you can diversify as needed: exposure and response prevention, acceptance and commitment therapy, mindfulness, delaying tactics, inference-based CBT, stress management, relaxation techniques, distanciation, improving one’s executive functions, healthy living, etc.

[Natureloverpeace]

I use to think I would never recover from OCD, let alone have freedom from it. Mine was at the extreme end of it and it went unmanaged for 40 years. Alcoholism was another battle but I now have 39 years of sobriety. Recovery from OCD is possible and even freedom from it is possible. One of the OCD experts, Jon Grayson wrote a book, Freedom from OCD, describing how to achieve it and maintain it. Other OCD experts and specialists discuss it too. Freedom from OCD has been talked about numerous times on the IOCDF Ask the Experts livestream. There are OCD specialists who also have OCD and have freedom from it, as well as everyday folks who have freedom from OCD. Recovery from OCD is living well despite having OCD but white-knuckling OCD symptoms. Freedom from OCD is freedom from it. It’s not a cure but it’s freedom. One needs to understand OCD’s game plan, have a bring it on attitude towards OCD, and maintain an active ERP lifestyle. Accepting uncertainty and realizing that one is capable of dealing with whatever may happen in the future are necessary for long-term recovery. So is identifying and addressing the core fear underlying the person’s OCD, not just the superficial fear such as contamination or causing harm. Otherwise, OCD will just show up again as a different theme.

It’s cautioned that people start with recovery though. Freedom from OCD may seem too big a leap or unattainable until they’re doing well in recovery. There is a lot of information on OCD but I suggest sticking with the information from OCD experts and specialists. The IOCDF is a great resource, iocdf.org. There are many therapists who claim they can treat OCD but aren’t qualified to do so. They haven’t received the appropriate training to do so since it usually isn’t offered in graduate school. The therapists mean well but without the appropriate training it’s not surprising that the treatment doesn’t produce long-term recovery. The level of care needs to match the person’s needs. Sometimes a higher level of care is needed. The IOCDF has a resource directory to find a provider.

When I didn’t think recovery was possible for me I came across the OCD Stories podcast. That gave me hope after listening to stories from people who overcame their OCD. If they could overcome their OCD than I came to believe I could too. I joined the IOCDF Community Conversations and Ask the Experts livestreams regularly. I learned a lot, still do. I joined a support group although that was trial and error to find a good one. I studied from the OCD experts. Getting into recovery was a full-time job but it paid off. Thankfully, ERP has evolved from the old school model of just habituation although there are still some therapists who use it yet. ERP is still the foundation but it’s supplemented with things like ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy), Mindfulness and Inhibitory Learning.

Sometimes when we lose hope, we need to reach out and borrow someone else’s. Recovery is possible but we don’t need to settle for it, freedom is also possible. Don’t give up, you can get to where you want to be. You can come out of OCD better than when you went into it. That’s a Grayson quote. You can learn skills that you can then generalize to other life challenges. You can build resilience and be empowered by the strengths you can develop. You can get to the place where OCD doesn’t have power over you and it doesn’t phase you anymore.

[LuvSun in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Beautiful reply!

[FirstResponder23]

hello,

I try to look at it in a way my therapist put it which is very helpful for me at times. OCD is always around, and we can choose to let it bother us or not. Try not to look at it as “getting rid of ocd.” Instead I was told to look at it more as periods when ocd is louder or more quiet.

When I’m going through rough times, I know ocd is being louder, and I can choose to let its loudness bother me or let it just yell in the background. Eventually, OCD will become quieter the more we don’t give it our attention. It will quiet down, and still be in the background, but it will be much more receptive to being silent or quieting down the more we don’t give it power.

[GeriSadie123]

I have real event OCD too .

[80_Zil_ian in reply to GeriSadie123]

This type of OCD has been recent in my life. It started very slowly until I realized I was dedicating too much attention to things in the past that are not relevant anymore—or, if they were one day, they aren’t now. It is less scary, than HOCD, but I’m starting to get worried because imagine every action, decision, or word you’ve ever said becoming a point of self-doubt.

Another point is that this type has been more resistant to medication, and I have refused to raise the dose. I’m trying to work on it by myself, exposing my mind to these memories and applying some rationality to them.

[Arabianhorselover]

Unfortunately, OCD is a chronic condition. There is no cure. Just management of symptoms. I'm 64, and have suffered from it for most of my life. Wasn't even officially diagnosed till 2 1/2 years ago!

[brig1120]

I get how you are feeling. Try not to resign your self to it being a constant in your life. Acceptance doesn't mean resignation to this ocd disease. You are worthy and deserving of peace, health and happiness