So sad

[2boys2girls]

I’m feeling very hurt right now. Our son wants constant reassurance. His fear is that he has a deadly illness that he’ll give to us and everyone he loves, and we’ll all die.

I recently has skin cancer removed from my cheek. I assured him this had nothing at all to do with him; that you can’t give someone any kind of cancer. When I got home from the procedure, he began to spiral, asking for more and more reassurance. I was drained and began to cry, tears soaking my bandage and stinging my incision. My husband asked him to just leave me alone to which he replied “I’m having a rough time!” I told him OCD had turned my sweet, sensitive son into a very selfish person.

Last week he had Another meltdown. My husband asked if he could see what he was doing to all of us. His response: “I don’t care”. Wow! I couldn’t believe my ears. Later after we all calmed down, he explained that what he meant was “OCD makes me not care” which we can understand. In the moment all he cares about is any relief he can get. But still, that really hurt.

Then today during another episode which drove my husband to tears, he looked my husband straight in the eye, seeing tears streaming down his face and continued seeking reassurance. I couldn’t take it anymore and told him so while leading my sobbing husband out of the room. Mind you my husband just lost his mom and is grieving.

We feel very guilty when we lose control and yell, but there’s only so much we can take. We’ve explained that we can’t control how he handles his compulsions, but we can and will continue to not give in to his need for reassurance, for his sake.

We are so lost, but tomorrow is another day and we will continue to support him as best we can without giving reassurance. It breaks our hearts to see him suffer.

I apologize for the long post but I just needed to vent. Thank you for listening. Sending prayers to all who struggle with this horrible disorder 🙏🏻❤️

[deValentin]

I understand your predicament. You're divided between caring for your son, and caring for yourself and your husband, and those two goals seem incompatible at times.

The question that comes to my mind, when I read your story, is to what extent does OCD take away our sense of responsibility. Does it completely obliterate it? I’m not so sure.

I heard about a mother who couldn’t touch her daughter because of contamination OCD. However, I’m sure that if her daughter was drowning and she could save her by grabbing her by the hand, she would do it. In exceptional circumstances I believe that OCD can be overridden. We retain some freedom of choice, even if it’s more limited, and more difficult to exercise it.

I don’t know how old your son is and how much you can expect of him in terms of responsibilities, but, in my opinion, being understanding towards you son and his disproportionate need for reassurance doesn’t exclude the appropriateness to show tough love at times and set some boundaries. So, I admire your determination to resist the temptation to accommodate his OCD, even if it can be very stressful as you explained in your post.

[2boys2girls in reply to deValentin]

Thank you. He is 40 years old, so I do expect him to take some responsibility. He’s lost everything this past year due to OCD; his fiancée and her son (who he love dearly), job, apartment, confidence…everything. He now at least has a part-time job, but of course, there are triggers there😢

[Hedgehog25 in reply to 2boys2girls]

I fear telling my parents just how much I go through because I don’t want to upset them or become a burden in any way. I can see how awful it must be for you all, but I’m also glad that you all understand and are trying to help. You have my sympathy.

[2boys2girls in reply to Hedgehog25]

Thank you, and please tell our parents. I’m sure they’d want to know and help. You’re in my prayers.

[Tcba]

Please get your son to an OCD trained therapist. He is caught in a spiral of compulsions that will only become a bigger issue if you give him reassurance. Chastising him, while understandable, is not helpful either. I hear your pain. There is so much good information on managing OCD. Check out the IOCDF’s website for resources on how to help a loved one with OCD.

[2boys2girls in reply to Tcba]

Thank you. He’s been inpatient, partial hospital, and intensive outpatient ocd programs three times. He also has a therapist and psychiatrist who specialize in ocd. In addition, he participates in support groups. We are doing our best for him and will continue to do so. We love him unconditionally, but ocd is so exasperating, it’s sometimes very difficult to control our emotions. ❤️🙏🏻

[Sallyskins]

Try not to blame yourself - that goes for your husband and other members of your family too! Parents, partners and friends and family can be stretched to the limits of their patience by someone else's OCD behaviour.

And refusing him reassurance is the right thing to do. I expect he really does get that his behaviour impacts on those around him, but OCD has a very tight grip!

It's important that you make sure you don't prioritize your son to the detriment of your own wellbeing, and that you take care of yourselves, particularly with your own experiences -be it of cancer, or your husband's grief for his mother, or anything else.

I'm only too aware of how much pain I gave my own mother with my OCD. She did so want to help - and her being there for me was a huge help. And my behaviour has caused distress and inconvenience to other people around me too. I've always tried to minimize the impact on others, but it can be difficult.

It sounds as though you're doing all the right things by him. Perhaps losing so much that he values, including his fiancee, will give him the impetus that he needs to really tackle the OCD.

Apart from that, I am sending you my virtual hugs and sympathy!

[2boys2girls in reply to Sallyskins]

Thank you, Sally, for your kind words. The past few days have been better as far as his reassurance seeking goes, but we can see the toll resisting is taking on him. I can only pray for his strength to continue. I pray also for your continued recovery.

[LavenderBluePNW]

I hear the pain and exhaustion in your words. These are difficult waters to navigate, and it sounds like you all are in the midst of a storm. I hope you can embrace some self-compassion as you continue to learn how to move forward together. I too have an adult child with OCD whose life has been severely impacted. I am new to this forum and still finding my voice. Yet I wanted to say that I see you. I have found that starting with self-compassion helps me to center, calm, and then better focus on what I need to do next. If you'd like some resources for how to get started there, I am happy to share. 🙏

[2boys2girls in reply to LavenderBluePNW]

Thank you, yes,I’d like that.

[LavenderBluePNW in reply to 2boys2girls]

The book I just finished is Mindful Self Compassion for Burnout by Kristin Neff, PhD and Christopher Germer, PhD. I appreciate how the book incorporates tools for both tender and fierce self compassion to help you find a way forward. I have been using a few of the tools recommended, and am finding it supportive.

In those moments of overwhelm, I've turned to short videos or guided meditations. Dr. Kristin Neff has a YouTube channel where you can find short videos that may be supportive. Also, the Center for Mindful Self Compassion has the same (founded by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer). If you are on social media, both of those resources have Instagram profiles that share short videos. There are 5-10 minute guided meditations on the Insight Timer app that offer short breaks - some specific to the caregiving role - that are offered by Dr. Neff for free.