I'm not sure how to do this

[IStillHaveHope]

I'm feeling really overwhelmed at the moment and not sure what to do. This happens to me a lot and I'm wondering if it's a symptom of the OCD. I'm wondering if it makes me feel "compelled" to do something, yet there really isn't anything to do.

I'm just really overwhelmed at the moment. I'm so scared my son has what I have. He's been coming to me, telling me he's nervous, mostly about school related stuff. All I can hear though is the little boy I was and I picture him lying in bed like I was crying my eyes out, praying for someone to take the worry away. It affects me so deeply, because I feel like no one came, no one helped. I cry because I feel like I'm living those experiences again. I'm so sad because I thought I was over this.

I'm having OCD about my work too. I'm so scared that I might do something "wrong". Say something incorrectly or make a tiny mistake and it might slip through and kill someone down the line. I have to travel next week and I'm so worried about that. I feel like I'm abandoning my son. I'm worried I'll have a breakdown. I'm worried I'll fall apart.

I hate this so much.

I'm in therapy and taking lexapro, but I'm not sure if it's the correct dose. I still feel unbelievably sad, I still am struggling with compulsions. This is all compounded though since I'm having trouble seeing my doctor due to staff resignations and COVID rules. My therapist also had a personal emergency and it looks like I won't be able to see him for another 3 weeks.

I'm trying my damndest, but I feel like I'm failing. I'm so scared, I'm so tired of worrying, I'm so tired of being sick. I want to quit everything and just lay in my bed for the next six months.

I don't know what I'm asking for in this post. I'm scared I'll be this way forever. that this is my life now. I just want to be better and I don't know how.

[SandraNova]

Im sorry that I do not really have a answer or any solution. I just wanted to say that I feel deeply for you, reading this really made my heart ache. Remember that you are not alone and there is always a way for things to get better ❤Ps. Your son is lucky to have such a sensitive and caring parent!

[IStillHaveHope in reply to SandraNova]

Thank you for your kind reply. I just don't want him to feel like he's alone. I don't know if you have children, but it's so hard to see them hurting and not being able to do anything about it.

[Hidden in reply to IStillHaveHope]

I am so sorry also. I think there is a book for children that shows them how to deal with anxiety. I can find out the name of it if you would like. Does he have anxiety or ocd related anxiety?Don't give up hope. Not for yourself or your son.

[IStillHaveHope in reply to Hidden]

I haven't seen anything I would call "OCD anxiety", like continually checking things, counting, washing hands or anything like that. He has always just been a little nervous with change or new situations, even when he was a baby.

I think one of my OCD topics may be him showing anxiety, if that makes sense. He gets nervous and then I get worried that he has OCD and that he's suffering like I did. I don't want him to have to deal with anxiety the way I did.

Maybe I just need to let it flow a bit. It's normal for a kid to be nervous about the first few days of school, or meeting new people. I need to learn that he can be a little anxious and be okay and that I can help him with that. I will let him know that I'll be there for him if he needs me, and that he can always talk with me about anything. If it gets bad I can also let him know there is help and help him find it.

I've already cut a path, maybe I can help others walk down it if they have to.

[alexandraisobsessed IOCDF Advocate]

Hey there,

It sounds like you're a really kind caring parent and that OCD has latched onto that and is causing you to have fears about affecting your son.

It can really empathize with this as I have a son too and my OCD often likes to attack our relationship and my hopes/fears regarding him.

I really like what you said in your last response; that you've cut a path and you can help others walk down it too. Your son may or may not end up having anxiety/OCD. If he does, you'll be absolutely the best person to help him live a beautiful life no matter what.