fear of schizophrenia

[football654]

Hi im new to this group, my story goes as follows: i used to smoke weed a lot when i was 16 and always had anxiety my whole life, i decided to quit because it was making the anxiety worse after about a year i decided to fuck it and have a few puffs of a joint and thats where everything went to hell. i was in a constant panic, had bad depression and intrusive thoughts about killing myself even though i didnt want to. ive been on antidepressant's since then and feel much better, but im now in a state of what i believe is ocd and derelisation. every few months it seems like i cycle through different obbsesions like homicidal ocd, suicidal ocd, pedafilic ocd, sexuality ocd. At this moment ive got a fear that i might have schizophrenia. im just scared because what if it isnt the ocd thats making feel like ive got it. Like i said ive struggled with derealiztaion feeling like im not real so what if it isnt derealization but schizophrenia. I keep researching symptoms and my heart pounds with fear when i read it and i also researched schizophrenic fear realted ocd which brings me relief but my mind goes down another spiral making believe it is schizophrenia ive got. like i do have weird intrusive thoughts but i know its not reality but what if one day (if ive got schizophrenia) i might start thinking its reality and it really scares me to death. sorry if some of it doesn't make any sense i cant really concentrate at this moment.

[Eli_E]

Hi! I'm sorry your going through this and it totally makes sense to me. I've experienced schizophrenic themed ocd thoughts and they are definitely not fun. My usual ocd theme revolves around my sexuality, but when my physical anxiety symptoms get bad, thats when the fear/ intrusive thoughts around schizophrenia and self - harm get really loud. It definitely sounds like it could be ocd. Do you have access to therapist (particularly one who specializes in ocd) because that is what really helped me start developing the skills to resist compulsions and keeping myself from going down the thought spiral. Its rough, but you are not alone in experiencing this! hope that helps a little

[Truename12]

I do think that for some of us, the hallucinogenic properties of pot are dangerous. Maybe focus on detoxifying your body. It may take awhile for the brain to heal. Also, you might want to study Buddhism which is not a religion but more of a perspective. The practices develop mindfulness and sense of calm which will be a nervous system positive habit that you can return to when panicking. You can also check out the Mad In America website-- the name of the website comes from a book. These are just a few hints to take or leave, depending on what feels positive to you. Replace fear thoughts with faith in the goodness of life, focus on what you find beautiful and supportive, like nature or music or a hobby like art. Ask your friends for support, and support them too. Remember that everybody is very stressed and questioning their mental health these days!! Thank you for sharing here 🙏

[Holland72]

Google "could it be B12 deficiency" I recognize things in your story. My son has B12 deficiency. It's a complex thing to find out. People from the group vitamine B12 Wake Up on Facebook can help you what to do. They are experts. B12 deficiency can make your body and mind very sick!

[Natureloverpeace]

To keep on looking up symptoms on the internet can feed your OCD. It keeps the “what if” questioning going and OCD lives off of the “what ifs” and doubt. It sounds like a compulsion. People can have different themes to their OCD.

[anonymous_squirrel]

Hi! Reading your story and I totally get it, I have that exact same thing! Even the word "schizophrenia" (and I write this word with great difficulty - sigh - so I will refer to it from now on as simply "scheise") is just a horrible word both sounding and visually. The whole structure of it is just plain wrong and looking at it gives off some shady vibes: firstly, there's this introduction of a mess in the "sch" part which should be "sh" but is actually "sk" and to make things worse it's directly followed by an end of the alphabet letter that is mainly reserved for words like "zebra" which makes the first part of the word already sound like "psycho" - followed by a second equally horrid word that has this "ph" in there making the "f" sound in a word that sounds like it could be a magical land like Narnia - "phrenia" ugh -

That word really does need to change, it already has all the wrong letters and they look like they should sound like something but end up being sounding like something else. Is this word trying to be ironic?

I zone out too. And sometimes I zone out so bad that whatever horrifying image repetitively tries to convince me that I'm losing my marbles causes all the body works to fire up: palpitation, sweat, adrenaline rush!

I also get extremely frightened. Because it is scary! Like it makes me feel so alone and almost hunted by a thought. It makes me feel helpless and there's nothing I can do at that moment but go through it. What is there to do? If you get a scratch: band-aid. But if you're afraid (rambling ahead) that you're witnessing another reality, possibly with foreign entities and feel confusion, fear because you actually might, but are you? or are you not? but you don't actually see anything, is that enough to prove your sanity, is this a reflection of your inner soul, can souls show you their energy in reality? but what is reality anyway and so on?

Where do we get a band-aid for that?

I even end up wishing that I could just get it and be done with it - face it head on - how scary is it? I'm ready. At least I'd get the right treatment instead of going through this hell. But even so, the "scheise" never comes, and it never has and it never will because it's not up to us to decide that. Our brilliant minds are just very creative and convincing.

But here's a few things I learned in my struggle:

1. Identify your triggers and remove them from your safe space

2. A support system is needed for when it gets too overwhelming

3. Again, "scheise" will never happen (reminder)

4. Feeling extra tired even if you feel like you haven't done that much throughout your day is totally normal because a lot of energy is spent at constantly keeping intrusive thoughts at bay - frequent breaks and safe space required

5. Take it lightly... maybe even with a little humor

That last part comes with time. I've had this for a quite long time, even before I realized I had OCD. I've crapped my pants (figuratively) many times and I still do when it gets overwhelming. But I also see this as a sort of gift, because it doesn't always have to be scary things. I also have the power to change its course into a creative journey, a spiritual journey, a healing journey - so much so that many people around me are in awe of how much I know and how intuitively and creatively I can breathe into life ideas, thoughts, music, philosophical/spiritual topics, stories... It can be another reality but not in a scary way, in a beautiful way that reflects your heart <3

Sorry for the long read - everything I wrote above is deeply personal, I really just want to be honest and to share my experience

Hope this helps!

[football654 in reply to anonymous_squirrel]

thank you for that i am feeling a bit better from when I wrote the post, that's why i didnt respond very quickly as it was off my mind, i just came back to see if i did get anyone messaging me to see if i werent going crazy. Thanks for the response I understood everything you said and so relatable i hate that word too, i think saying it in my head scares me the most lol. Thanks for taking your time to say that and not being just some vague response, Its nice to get confirmation from other people rather than what google says.