i cant tell anymore (POCD) (urgent help please)

[Torturedbyocd]

im glad i found this website because i really need someone to talk to but its so disgusting that i have to be anonymous.

Ill cut straight to the chase, i cannot tell if i enjoy my pedophilic ocd thoughts or not anymore, and its because i get very intense groinal reaction about it. It feel like i enjoy it and i like it and its so distressing. After its over, im all like “that was disgusting, of course i dont like that” but when im in the moment its completely different. It really feels like im enjoying the sensation i get from it and then the cycle just repeats. I feel like im in constant denial. I think i really am at my limit. Everytime I overcome something my OCD throws at me, it comes up with something new. This is the worst by far and it feels the most real out of anything else it has done to me. Please help. I dont want to be a pedophile. Im only 17 and i havent even accomplished anything in my life, so this would surely put the nail on the coffin. God, i would take any other type of OCD other than this. I would even trade it for a physical illness.

[Natureloverpeace]

I’m sorry that you’re suffering so much, OCD can be cruel. OCD is OCD. It’s the process of OCD that matters, not the content. OCD is OCD. People often speak of types or themes of OCD but these aren’t diagnoses. Sometimes people don’t feel so alone with how their OCD shows itself if other people are experiencing it in a similar way. This is especially true when it comes to the taboo themes. The disadvantage is some people then think that these themes or types are different diagnoses and need to be treated differently or that one type is harder to treat than another type and this isn’t true. It may FEEL like the type that a person has is worse than another type because OCD attacks what a person values most. Think of OCD as a figure that changes its clothes to change its appearance. The different clothing outfits give it a different outward appearance but it’s still OCD. The types or themes would be the different clothing outfits. The OCD cycle is the same no matter the theme or type. Obsession(thought, image or urge)> attach meaning to obsession>distressful feeling>mental or physical compulsion to negate distress>temporary relief which reinforces the obsession. The cycle will continue to repeat and eventually strengthen unless the cycle is broken.

OCD demands certainty that doesn’t exist which means it’s never going to be satisfied. If it keeps getting fed compulsions, it will just demand more compulsions. ERP (Exposure Response Prevention) is the gold standard treatment for OCD because it has the most evidence for effectiveness. It has habituation as its foundation but it has evolved to include things such as ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy), Mindfulness and Inhibitory Learning. It is often used in conjunction with medication. There are many therapists who claim to know how to treat OCD but lack the specific training for it. It should be done by an OCD Specialist. It can be offered at different levels/settings depending on the severity.

Recovery from OCD is possible. It can be encouraging and motivating to hear other people’s stories of recovery. OCD Stories Podcast with Ralph Stuart is a good resource for this. Another resource, the IOCDF website, iocdf.org, is jam-packed with information on OCD. It also includes a Resource Directory of providers and support groups. The IOCDF does livestreams which are very helpful and it has SIGs (Special Interest Groups), including one for young people which may interest you.

[TrueBlue23 in reply to Natureloverpeace]

That's a brilliant reply. Very thoughtful and helpful! 👍

[Natureloverpeace in reply to TrueBlue23]

The OCD community is an amazing group of people who really care, support and encourage each other.

[Torturedbyocd in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Thank you so much. You clearly took time to write this and I appreciate it. On that last part, I actually haven’t looked at recovery stories because I assumed there is no way I could achieve it myself.

[Natureloverpeace in reply to Natureloverpeace]

I goofed the name of the person who does the OCD Stories podcast. It’s Stuart Ralph, not Ralph Stuart. Sorry about that.

[Natureloverpeace]

You can recover, no matter how long you’ve had OCD or how severe it is. There is an abundance of stories of people who have long-term recovery. Yes, there are stories of people who are white-knuckling it, which is functioning well despite the OCD but they’re still holding onto some of it. There are also people who have freedom from OCD which is the goal of treatment. Freedom from OCD is what it sounds like. As Jon Grayson, an OCD expert says, long-term recovery doesn’t happen unless the person accepts uncertainty AND realizes that they can handle whatever may come up. We are more capable than we give ourselves credit for. A person can come out of OCD better than they went in and with skills that can be applied to life in general. Learning these skills at such a young age would be fantastic.