do I deserve to live?

I'm sorry I continuously post on here. I have so many false/maybe real memories that I feel guilty for.

I feel so horrible for this. This happened a few months ago, I was 14 at the time. I don't even know if I'm able to live with myself. This guy posted on a reddit forum that I was looking at called "remorse" I'm pretty sure, and this guy posted about something terrible he did as an 11 year old (I think he was 11). He said that he had an abusive step father/father, and he tried to drug him, as an attempt to kill him. Fortunately, the guy lived. But I'm so upset because I left a response to this guy's post that I feel very guilty for. I tried to make the guy feel better. I said something about how he was 11 years old, and so at that age you don't know completely how wrong some of your actions are, and how the father seems like a douchebag (I'm pretty sure that's the word I used). I think I said other things as well, but I've forgotten because it's been months. I'm pretty sure I deleted my response right after though because I felt guilty even at the time. I'm afraid I was trying to justify what this guy did, and that is really, really scaring me. I told my mom, my dad and my grandma and they were all understanding and think I didn't really do anything wrong. But I'm scared that I was saying it was okay to do that. What if I was? I have no way of really knowing. I think I was just trying to be sympathetic towards him. I don't know though. I'm so upset over this.

[Hidden]

I'm so scared that I was saying that it was okay. Especially because I said that the father was a douchebag. I shouldn't have said that. I'm so afraid by saying that I was trying to say that it was okay that he did what he did. I'm a sick person. I can't take it anymore.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm pretty sure that when I said that the guy is a douchebag, I was just being sympathetic towards his situation. Maybe I was just trying to say that I understand why he felt the way he felt. But I really don't know.

[MyOCD123]

Ok, take a deep breath! First- you absolutely do to deserve to live and to live a life that is full and wonderful. What you are experiencing right now is just another way that OCD is trying to pick apart your life and leave you with the pieces. It wants you to question whether or not you are sick or disturbed and gets temporary satisfaction from you seeking reassurance that you are not a bad person. Second - if that story told online is true it sounds like that person needs to seek help for the traumatic experiences in their life. If his father or any father for that matter was abusive towards a child that is not ok. That 11 year old child was probably terrified and felt the only option was to kill his abuser, but remember that he was 11 and the part of the brain that makes decisions is not fully developed. We do not know if this story is true or if it was true what was the severity of the abuse or any other important details. There is no point in dwelling on your response because you will only fall further down the rabbit hole. I would agree with you that this father sounds like a terrible person and in some cases, self defense is the only option. Abuse is abuse and is always wrong. But what is not wrong is you trying to comfort a person you feel has been hurt. That shows empathy and kindness to the core. You are not sick. You have an ugly monster following you around called OCD and it wants nothing more for you to be feeling the way you are feeling now. So don’t let it. Embrace the uncertainty and tell your OCD, “Oh well, I am not going to try to figure it out”. Think of all OCD has taken from you so far. It is time to take some of your life back. I know it’s hard but I also know that recovery is possible and that people with OCD are anything but their thoughts. We are so much more than that. Don’t give up. You got this and you can keep fighting.

[Hidden in reply to MyOCD123]

Wow, thank you so so much. I really needed to hear this. What you said helped me so much. You're a wonderful person.

[MyOCD123 in reply to Hidden]

I’m glad it helped you! I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!

[PiaAmI in reply to MyOCD123]

Thank you so much for your words of advice. I needed to hear these words as I suffer terribly with OCD thoughts.

[Dysthought]

I know you're apologizing because the OCD is saying you did something bad or awful, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You're 14. That you feel this much remorse is a sign that, contrary to what the OCD says, you are a good person. And you definitely deserve to live. There's much worse, and some people feel no remorse over that stuff.

You empathized with him and had compassion for him. Not everybody- even adults- would understand or try to understand his perspective. You have hith emotional intelligence. And the world needs more compassion and empathy. You don't just deserve to live, you're a good person, you matter, and you make the world a better place.

I'm 22. I didn't have nearly as much compassion/empathy for people when I was that age. Cherish that. You're a good person.

[Hidden in reply to Dysthought]

thank you. that makes me feel a lot better. you are a great person

[Dysthought in reply to Hidden]

I don't know if I'd say that. I've done some bad things (I posted about it). I'm glad you feel better though

[Hidden in reply to Dysthought]

I read your post, and I don't think any of what you said makes you any less of a great person.

[Dysthought in reply to Hidden]

That means a lot. I hope I can move past it one day and believe it.

[Selesnya]

Maybe we should post this every day as many of us struggle with this:

Thoughts are not facts.

Thoughts are not worth feeling shame or guilt over. You can't control your thoughts, only how you react to your thoughts.

healthunlocked.com/my-ocd/p...

[Hidden in reply to Selesnya]

this is about something I really did though, so it isn't just thoughts. Thank you for saying this though because I also obsess over thoughts I have

[Selesnya in reply to Hidden]

You didn't really do much of anything -- all that you did was to express your thoughts. Showing that you have empathy for the suffering of others is nothing to be ashamed of. Whether the thoughts are verbalized or written down doesn't change much about them. They are still thoughts.

[Selesnya in reply to Selesnya]

Just as an example, I have done exposures where I have to say out loud, "I want to kill my wife." I might do this while mowing the lawn or when I am alone. I could take this further and say this to my therapist or so that others could hear me. This doesn't change that this is merely a thought, even if it gets verbalized. I am not saying this with the intention of scaring someone or threatening them, and me saying it does not make it more likely to become true. I could also say, "I hope that my parents die today in a car crash." This is still just a thought, no matter who I say it to or how emphatically I say it. It doesn't make it more likely that this will actually happen.

[ISTY]

Please try and let this go honey if you are in therapy work on this specifically with ERP techniques.. it’s over and ok

[ChristianWolff]

To answer your first question: Of course you deserve to live, so live your life to the best of your abilities. The second question: IMO you did nothing wrong, in fact your response was kind and sympathetic to someone who had a horrible experience where the blame lies with the abusive father, he was a victim. I probably would have responded in much the same way as you did. The way you responded shows great empathy and more importantly a willingness to share it with someone in need. You should feel good about what you said, not remorseful. Either way, this is now just a memory and memories cannot hurt you. Be gentle with yourself.

[Hidden]

you are not a murderer its most likely not true its all in ur head. the fact you feel bad about this means you are not a murderer most murderer dont feel remorse some do. just be glad u didnt kill anyone some kids actually end up killing someone not realising the seriousness of their act.