Can anyone try to figure out what is wrong with me?

[cursedforever]

hello so i have already posted on this forum unfortunately it got removed for containing explicit languages. so i will try to keep this post as less explict as possible

so tbh i am pretty sure i am not pedophile. but i often feel i don't have pocd too.

i feel like i am having a crazy alien disorder that no one has. at the current situation that i am in, i cannot afford a therapy and i would appreciate if any one take their time to read this post and try to help me to understand what is wrong with me

tw childhood experimentation

this post might be long but it would be more than anything to me if you could read this and share your thoughts.

so there are two main incidents that mainly contributes to daily suffering pocd. so i have already talked about it in another post and i will just copy past it here.

so one of the main reason for my pocd is my childhood sexual experimentation when i was 11-13so i have already posted about the incident and i will past it here again

so when i was around 11-13, not more than 14 i think , i experimented with my little sister. she was like 6-8 years old then. she was sleeping and no one was hurt and she does not remember anything .i know this sounds disguising . i know. i don't know how many times i thought of commiting suicide. i know it sounds disguising and i am a piece of shit who should rot in hell. but i promise, i never thinked of the circumstances or how much morally bad it is. even though i was 11 or 12 , i will never say what i did was right. this thing hurts me daily. i am having a severe ptsd because of this. each time my sister talks to me nicely or do something , i cry a lot asking how was i able to do something to my sister like this. i love my sister to death and i cannot belive i did that

so my main fear includes the fear of losing control and the fear of harming some child for my sexual satisfaction. i don't know how to react to these thoughts. i still remember of the mindset i had when i did that to my sister and it still freaks me out. remembering what i did then makes me feel like it won't take much time for me to do it again. i never want to do anything like that. but sometimes i get some reasons and urges to molest a kid. i never got those before. now whenever i see a little girl, i remember what i did to my sister and it freaks me out. when ever i see a little girl wearing a skirt , suddenly i remember what i did to my sister and i will get the mindset that i had then and it really freaks me out. i don't know what should i do. i don't know how to react to thest thoughts. a lot of people says i am seeking a lot of reassurance which is not good for me so probably this is my last post and honestly i would really appreciate if anyone having similar experience help me.

i am never planning to marry . no girl deserves a monster like me. i really don't want to hurt my own children or sexually abuse them. but these intrusive thoughts i have makes me feel like i do want to. i don't know how to react if i see a kid naked.

also i am a 18yo male and never fantasized children in sexual way

so next comes some main incidents that keep saying me that these were the proof that i am a pedophile in denial

so i remember last year there was a little girl who live next to my house came to my house and asked me help for her homework. she was like 9 years old. i was 17 then i guess. so when she came to me, and asked for help, my mom told me to take her to my room to teach her as there was construction work going outside my area. so we both gone into my room after going into my room, that little girl asked me to close the door as it was noisy outside. suddenly i said no to it. because i felt even it is a little girl it is inappropriate to be alone with her in a room closed. i don't know why i thought like that. but now i feel like i said her to keep the door open because i was scared that i would abuse her. i mean i never thinked of kids sexually but if i thinked that it is inappropriate to be in room with a little girl, does that mean i am a person who can sexualize children? I really don't know weather my experimentation plays a role in this. but why did i said her to open the door? was i scared that i might cause harm to her?

also this is not the first time incidents like this happen. i remember if i played with a kid, i will be very careful even i should not accedentlly touch their private parts in anyway. i will never leave myself with kids alone. i always thought that it is inappropriate to be like that.

i never felt comfortable if a person carries kids in a inappropriate way. for example if a person carry his kid by grabbing the butt, i would feel very uncomfortable and inappropriate.

also i remember around two years back a guy made a baby girl who was around 3 yo, made her to sit on his lap. i remember asking myself questions like how can he do that? how can he make her to sit in his lap when his leg would touch her genitals and stuffs like that. at that time if someone made me to sit with a baby girl, i would've definitely made a lot of precautions like making to sit her in the way that her body is not touching my genital even by accident and stuffs like that

now all this things makes me feel that i am a crazy person. i don't what i am anymore. i mean if i am normal person, i would've not felt uncomfortable with a little girl in room locked right? so does that mean i don't have any belief on myself? what in the world am i ? i know a pedophile would have persistent sexual intrest in children. but in my case i never sexualized or fantazised children sexually. i found the idea itself as gross. what in the world am i ? am i even a human? does this some kind of disorder? what in the world am i ? it this is a disorder, does this has a name? am i a sicko? am i even deserve to live ? i really cannot afford a theraphist to go to them.

also i really don't know what kind of psycologist should i go to? should i go to a ocd specalist or a general counselling psycologist? i don't know

i know asking for reassurance is not going to help. but atleast this one time can someone please tell me what is wrong with me exactly? is there any way out of this other than suicide?

i mean i feel like i am a guy who has the capacity to sexualize children. i mean even something like that exist.

[Wes8]

One of my fears is being in denial about having ocd, which sounds similar to one of the fears that you're facing. I found this article online about ocd and denial that gave me some clarity. Perhaps it could help you: ocdla.com/doubt-denial-ocd-... .

[Baker202]

Hello,

I know that we usually want to avoid reassurance, but I really want to normalize your experience. As someone who has POCD, I really identified with everything you shared. I spent so long (and sometimes still do in my weak moments) arguing with myself that I don’t have POCD, that I’m the exception and I’m actually in denial about being a pedophile. The first thing I want to say is that replaying past experiences to try and find “evidence” that you are or are not a pedophile will never work—actually, the fact that you’re doing that really aligns with POCD. OCD is often called the doubting disease and I found that what produced the most anxiety for me was the thought “I will never have a straight answer on whether I’m a pedophile or not.” Like you, I had an experience in my past that that made me think “what if this means I’m a pedophile?” This fed into my thoughts and I was constantly trying to find evidence that I was or was not a pedophile. Let me tell you, that cycle is never ending. Unfortunately, you will never be able to know 100% and that uncertainty is terrifying to me. For me, seeing a therapist that specialized in OCD and doing exposure therapy really helped but I know that you said you’re not in a place to afford that. I would recommend a work book that I found super helpful called “the mindfulness workbook for OCD” by Jon Hershfield and Tom Corboy. Also, I started using a lot of mantras to interrupt my thought circles of “what if I’m a pedophile? What if what I just did is proof that I’m a pedophile?” It can be really hard, but I started saying “maybe, or maybe not” because it takes the control away from my OCD. Hope this helps, I know that the internal conflict you have over this is truly awful and painful.

[Blueknit]

Sorry to here your struggling with this type of OCD it’s definitely the worst in my opinion. I’m not a medical person at all but I’m in agreement with everything Baker 202 said and was going to say something very similar . Bottom line is in my opinion, no you are not a Paedophile and the reason I believe this is that you have been disturbed by these thoughts and used avoidant behaviours as a way of coping this is textbook for ocd and in this case POCD (Paedophilia ocd ) not to get confused with postnatal ocd which looks the same (POCD) . You are not a monster , you just need help to process these terrible thoughts and that doesn’t mean you have to never have sex with adults and be single the rest of your life stuck in this tournament , there is another way but sadly that does generally require treatment and some sort of diagnosis. I would suggest speaking to OCD action UK they are great and would definitely be able to support you and help you get free treatment. I wish you all the best I really do. I can relate to a lot of what you said and I just wanted to let you know your not alone and your not a monster or Paedophile either . 🙏

[cursedforever]

yeah but i cannot accept it. now the urges that i am getting makes me worry that i will do it as i already did something similar when i was 12. i know fear in people with people with pocd is irrational but in my case it is rational and it is freaking me out