I cannot figure out what my issue is? I need help- am i the gaslighter or am i being gaslight????

[OCDlivrecovery]

Hello everyone I am 23 years old, and have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now. The past year we have been getting into arguments mainly because of the way i communicate but its getting to the point now where i overanalyze everyhing i say and arguments still get started. ex., I asked him if he wanted to do something for my bday he said yes just let me know, and i said are you sure it seems like you don't want to. Because he hasn't planned anything, gotten me a gift, etc .. he got mad because he said i \was accusing him of things he is not doing and the things i accuse him in arguments are really what I do and i just flip it around on him. I stopped drinking a year ago and have dedicated the year to fixing my anger and the way i talk b ut STILL arguments escalate. He claims i will be begging to stop arguing but will continue throwing 'jabs'... This worries me if i am doing things i dont mean toxicly or behaving badly because my mother is a covert narcisstic and was nasty when she would fight. She doesn't live in reality though, i do. My father has compared the two of us fighting in the past before to be similiar.. but i really have calmed down and work on my communication, i realize my mothers way was wrong, and Im trying to fix it... The argument then got so heated he called me a bitch and i started to raise my voice, he did not like that and gpt even louder saying he was done with me, he can't be with me, im crazy just like my mother, etc. His words really hurt , he is always defensive and argumentative but when i bring it up he denies it which makes me question if i really am a bad person trying to pin it on him. I bawled and said i will try to fix why ikm so argumentative but really i just feel like i cant express my emotions, or communicate, (again he said thats how he feels) I have also noticed when i get loud or call him out on his bullshit he does not like that. none of my boyfriends or parents have in the past so i truly cannot tell what the hell i am doing wrong. My biggest fear has always been to end up just like my mother... making ym dad miserable for years... She is bipolar, i used to experience fits of rage, etc. Any advice would be so helpful

[Cherryfizz34]

I know what it’s like to point out peoples’ flaws and them getting defensive. A friend told me yesterday mine without really having to tell me. My mom had bipolar as well and I resented her for years.

[OCDlivrecovery in reply to Cherryfizz34]

Do I sound like a horrible person? I really am trying to do everything not to end up like her

[Cherryfizz34 in reply to OCDlivrecovery]

Well my birth mother is dead, by her own choice. It’s a lot of forgiveness to the self.

[Cherryfizz34 in reply to OCDlivrecovery]

No you don’t - my mother was really passive, thought about everyone but herself and had it one day and set herself on fire. I’ve had arguments with boyfriends since, role modelled after I dad I think when I was a kid. But my dad has changed to be more peaceful and I’ve changed to be more bitter and angry at the world. The comments below have more insight. But you are not like your mom, you have empathy ♥️.

[lml885]

I have the exact same issue. I think anymore people are exhausted and can’t empathize or can’t see other perspectives or they are too tired to. I think it has to do with the pandemic and societal breakdown to be honest. When you already have OCD and stress it exacerbates it and even more stress on top of emotional abuse that gets continued it makes it all the more confusing. I don’t know if it’s me or other people anymore.

[lml885]

I feel like it is getting harder and harder to communicate with people. We need time apart but also we need time together. Maybe take a break for a while. I don’t feel like counselling works anymore but I know a lot of couples try it. Especially this culture in the Western world things are bad. I’m just saying I feel you and I relate to what you are saying. Emotional abuse and society anymore is a bad combination. When you’ve already dealt with narcissistic abuse life is so confusing. Perhaps try to deal with people in small doses if you can.

[IStillHaveHope]

Hello. I'm sorry you're having trouble right now. I really am. Do you think it could be OCD that's causing you to overanalyze what you say to him or what he says to you? Some people have OCD topics where they have to analyze what they say to make sure it's "correct" or analyze what other people say to make sure they understand what they're saying "correctly". It's a form of rumination and is usually an OCD compulsion. The good news is that you can learn to ruminate less. An OCD (and or medication) therapist can help you with this.As for the communication issues. It's good you've resolved to work on it. I can only speak from my own relationships, but I'll say one thing. Unresolved resentment can be poison to them. It can come out as snide remarks or little jabs in an argument. We often hold them in because we don't want to hurt the other person (or have an unpleasant conversation) but it doesn't work in the long run. I've learned to think of it as, "Would I rather have an unpleasant conversation now or live with this resentment for years?". I don't know you but maybe the both of you have let these little resentments build up and they come out when you both get emotional.

If you decide to go to couples therapy they can help you with this. I did with my wife years ago and it helped us a lot. Of course my situation was different because we were married and had a child at that point. The good news is there is a lot of help out there for this, books, videos, therapies, etc. You're not alone in this.

Sorry if I rambled a bit. I hope you find the peace you deserve my friend. God bless you.

[Cherryfizz34]

sorry this was kinda triggering, you shouldn’t put to much pressure on yourself and think 🤔 the world is on your shoulders. The world 🌎 spins weather we help or not. Over analyzing, leads to no actions or complicating a simple situation, giving unnecessary feelings of grief

[OCDlivrecovery in reply to Cherryfizz34]

I’m sorry I really didn’t mean to.. im just very upset about it because my partner said he would be done if I couldn’t pull it together and he is my “favorite person” so my panic is at an all time high. I realize that no one is perfect and all I can do is give my best shot of choosing peace everyday

[Cherryfizz34 in reply to OCDlivrecovery]

[Cherryfizz34 in reply to OCDlivrecovery]

I can’t say the right words but Focusedmind can.

[Focusedmind in reply to OCDlivrecovery]

I am sorry that you are in this situation! Something you said above worried me. You said, "The argument then got so heated he called me a bitch and i started to raise my voice, he did not like that and got even louder saying he was done with me, he can't be with me, im crazy just like my mother, etc. His words really hurt , he is always defensive and argumentative but when i bring it up he denies it, making me question if i really am a bad person trying to pin it on him."

If my husband said words like that to me, I would be distraught, also. Calling you a bitch and telling you he can't be with you are very hurtful words. Unfortunately, we can't make someone love us, but we can stick up for ourselves if people treat us poorly. If he is not interested in couples counseling, you should consider going alone and possibly getting some space between you. I worry about how much he cares for you if he says things like this. Especially if he denies them later to you because then I think he is lying or gaslighting you.

[OCDlivrecovery in reply to Focusedmind]

Or he will explain that I got him to the point in the first place. It really feels as though everything I say when we are “arguing” is wrong. He said he will take accountability for when he does something but I personally haven’t seen that. This fight was a few days before my birthday and yesterday he was very sweet to me. It definitely confuses me and causes me heartbache but it’s asthough the longer I talk about it the more it’s my fault, I feel guilty( and I need to work on something. Anything I said or feel is denied kt not true because I “do not live in reality”… the comparison to my mother made me suicidal triggered but I have bottled it in because I feel as though it’s my fault. I’ve always pushed people to say the nastiest things to me, unfortunately

[Focusedmind in reply to OCDlivrecovery]

If someone wants to sit down and discuss something, then the first rule of logic is to discuss the issue, not attack the other speaker. The fact that he is calling you names, telling you that you "do not live in reality," and comparing you to your mother to trigger you makes me think he doesn't fully care for you. And for that reason, I suggested you seek counseling and some space away from him. I do not believe it is only about your communication, as he seems very hurtful towards you. You should protect yourself from this treatment and remove yourself from this environment if possible. The other choice would be to have him go with you to joint counseling. That would prove he wants to really make the effort and back up what he says.

[OCDlivrecovery in reply to Focusedmind]

Thank you so much… your responses mean the world to me.. I have always had aloe if guilt for the way I argue and my mom always said I was like “Harley Quinn” so of course in the beginning I told my bf all of my trauma. And now those things he says are triggering.. I have low self esteem so I’m willing to take accountability AFTER I’m stubborn at first but I feel so strongly. I am confused and deep down I know I think he’s trying to control me and say ge isn’t because he knows I have trauma and ocd, cptsd, and I think bpd.. I stopped going to my therapist bc she said I should leave and keep distance away from him that it’s not safe, but it turned into guilt that maybe I explained to the therapist our situation poorly and in my favor…. Now I just don’t know. I don’t think he would do counseling he says things like “I wish I was the problem in the relationship” “you need to fix yourself, I’m crazy” I will say he is also because he loses his mind and gets upset easily. He says he has went to therapy in the past and Kathy said he’s fine.. he accused me on not wanting yo try anymore for myself bc I stopped going to my therapist and haven’t gotten around to getting a new one in 1 month 2weeks…we were on vacation with his family. I’m starting to think it’s not me, even if I’m a bad person I still accept the wrongs I’ve made in the past and will always try to be better, but I have no family that is supportive

[Focusedmind in reply to OCDlivrecovery]

It sounds like your OCD is also getting in the way as you are overthinking this, taking too much responsibility for the problems with communication, and giving him too much power over you.

Tell him that if he wants to save the relationship, he should go with you to couples counseling. Then alternate so you see the counselor one week; the next week he goes by himself, and the third week you both go together. Or switch it up any way you want to.

If he won't do this for you or will only do it for a short while, then you know how much he does or doesn't care for you. Then you need to figure out how to remove yourself from this environment. And you should continue to seek counseling for yourself.

[Focusedmind]

I think couples counseling might be an excellent idea. A third party will help you analyze how you speak to each other. You can even make it a mixture of personal and couples counseling if that suits you both. For example, one week, you see the counselor one week; the next week, he goes by himself, and the third week you both go together. Or switch it up any way you want to.

Also, taking time away from each other to get time apart might be wise. Having a single person be "the one and everything to you" can be very restrictive for both people. It is always better to have various friends you can talk to and who are also involved in your life. Other friends can also give you feedback about your communication skills and help you with your anger.