My OCD is convincing me to break up with my partner

[lavender514]

Hi guys,

I've suffered from OCD for about 5-6 years now. The themes has shifted numerous times from homosexual ocd, pedophile ocd, to scrupolosity and others. Abt 2 years back things were getting better and I started dating my now girlfriend. The OCD then shifted to Relationship OCD, where I constantly doubted my relationship.

In the past few months my OCD suddenly latched on to an attractive female colleague at work. My mind seems to be obsessed about her. It keeps telling me that I should be with her instead. It sends me thoughts about her and whenever I have these thoughts or see that colleague, my mind automatically 'tests' or 'checks' if I have desire for her, and I get this awful sinking feeling. Sometimes when I hang out with my partner this awful sinking feeling comes too. My mind takes this as a meaningful signal to break up.

In therapy I have learnt that these thoughts and feelings are the OCD, and not to take them as meaningful signals to break up with my partner. We have worked on trying to accept these emotions and respond differently to them. However it is so hard, OCD is so convincing and sometimes it is very hard to ignore it. It is telling me to leave the relationship to escape from these feelings and seek relief.

It has gotten only slightly better, and I am very afraid if I were to stay with my partner I will be like this for the rest of my life. I feel afraid I have to feel uncertain about my relationship for the rest of my life. However I really do not want to leave my partner, she is the love of my life. She is an amazing person and rationally I know I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her. It is simply illogical for me to leave my partner who I have such a strong bond with for someone who I do not even know that well.

It is extremely frustrating due to the slow and little progress I have made. I have spent thousands on therapy and medication but seen so little gains. I feel hopeless and demoralised, seeing how therapy or medication has helped so many people but it seems useless on me.

This particular theme of OCD is especially painful for me. A relationship should bring me so much joy and bliss but yet at the same time it is giving me such distress. I'd like to know if anyone had similar experiences, as I am losing motivation to hold on. Words of encouragement would be deeply appreciated as well. Thank you so much for reading 😭

[-quartz-]

Hi, you aren't alone. thats actually how i found your post, i was researching about ocd in my relationship. in fact, it sounds like something i would have wrote. i have thoughts about leaving and it starts a painful cycle because i start to withdraw. i get so scared that my recent (past few months) compulsion has been taking pregnancy tests- earlier this year i had been mixed up with another patient in a clinic and told i was pregnant when i wasnt. since then, depending on if we are arguing or in goodstanding, i go between being scared to death to be pregnant again (we have a toddler together) and being so excited about the possibility. it has been impacting my life so much, so much money just *poof*, gone. i have started to do breathwork to help calm my nervous system when i feel like i am being tRigGerED. it has helped a bunch, as well as night time meditation and lexapro lol

[lavender514 in reply to -quartz-]

thank u for sharing. It must not be easy dealing with this and caring for your toddler as well. May I ask what does breathwork entail? Would it be observing your breaths?

[-quartz- in reply to lavender514]

many times i have felt very guilty because i was so obsessed with what the future held that i was not fully in the present. however the only way to go is forward so i have been more mindful of how i spend my time.

yes, that is a part of breathwork. becoming aware of your breathing allows room for mindfulness- to slow down and pause. my personal favorite that has been helpful is breathe in for 4s (like a full, belly breath), hold for 7s, and slowly breathe out for 8s. i do it around 3-4 times and start to feel myself wind down from a spiral. breathwork really is just intentional breathing to soothe, relax, there are even some that can help wake you up!

[lavender514 in reply to -quartz-]

I feel you, I struggle with that as well. My mind always is so busy with so many obsessive thoughts, it is hard to be fully present in the moment and really enjoy the time with my partner. How do you continue to choose to move forward in the relationship despite all the thoughts? I am at a stage where we had discussed about getting engaged, buying a house etc...I really want to do that but am afraid I would not be able to handle it.

I see, maybe I'll try the breathwork too!

[-quartz- in reply to lavender514]

honestly we have gone through many things together in the past 5 years plus we are very stubborn lol i went from internalizing the thoughts and lashing out because of the anxiety to digging deeper in a way. i have been acknowledging my feelings and using the emotions wheel (there’s a website that has an interactive one) and it helps me pinpoint how i am feeling and observing what it was that set me off. we also do couples counseling using the gottman method and our communication has been getting a lot better, making me feel more secure and grounded.

[Madonna4]

I also feel like I don't really benefit from therapy as well... Since I started taking medication again it has helped me so much.. I am on Venlafaxine and my only side effect is dry mouth so far.

I also use breath work and meditation and it's really helping, I do a 10 minutes session in the morning and before I go to sleep.

I usually respond to my thoughts with "maybe, maybe not".

Hang in there you've got this!

[lavender514 in reply to Madonna4]

Thanks for sharing. Im currently on clomipramine. So far it's done great in helping with my other themes of OCD, but for this particular theme it's been rather difficult. We've recently added Zoloft as an augmentation. It hasn't done much yet but I'm trying to remain hopeful.Do you use any guides you use for your breathwork/meditation? Or is it simply self guided

[Madonna4 in reply to lavender514]

Yes I use guides and an app that my therapist recommended and I find it super helping. I only do guided meditation that way I can concentrate on my breathing better and if my mind wanders as it is very normal even for people who don't have OCD then the spoken words bring back my attention. It was very hard at first! The app is called "Waking Up" and if you can't afford the full price you can ask for a reduced price.I paid half price and I find it very helpful, trustworthy and backed by science. The creator Sam Harris is a neuroscientist.

There are a lot of exercises where you can pay attention to your breath without really meditating which is good if you don't really have the time to sit for 10-15 minutes.

I do a dropping anchor exercise from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy you can find a lot of videos on YouTube or if you search Russ Haris on youtube as well.

It helps me to not get caught up in my thoughts and pause for a few minutes and notice my breath or the room I am currently in.

[lavender514 in reply to Madonna4]

great, I'll check these out, thank you for sharing! Are you still attending therapy? I have been seeing my therapist for about 6 months, I'm not sure whether to continue

[Madonna4 in reply to lavender514]

Yes I am still going to therapy even though it's already a year and a half. I had a really great setback during therapy where my OCD came at me 100% because of stressful life situations as well. I managed to get out of it without the help of medication but it was really hard and exhausting. I am now on medication and it is so much better! I am changing my life slowly and I have to accept that it won't happen instantly.. Kind of my first time where I am going to therapy for such a long time and willing to change and accept that I have OCD. I found out about 10 years ago.

[Kruidje]

How your brain and your toughts work depent on the neurotransmittors and nutritient that reach the brain. If you have problems in the gut then this can reflect in the brain. Some foods can make one depressed or schizofrene or OCD. OCD can often be linked to a low serotonine level. Some people have to lower their salicylates intake. Because salicylates can slow down liverdetox function. And then heavy metals and mold can build up in the body. To much heavy metals can raise braindysfunction and can raise parasites in the body. They further slowdown gutfunction. It is a circle, you have to break trough. Try what low salicylates bring you, and raise aminoacids. Sometimes b-vitamines and minerals are nessecairy. Also try S. boulardii and Symbioflor 1. They help the gut. Start a fooddairy, of you feel an attack of OCD look what you have eaten before. I have to avoid spices (hot spices and peper in particular). And most fruits (apples and citrusfruits innparticular) and vegies and have to be low carb and low histamine and low salicylates.

[Coffeelove4444]

you know in your heart that you love your girlfriend. Talk back to your OCD. Say okay OCD brain not today. I actually laugh at some of my thoughts. Don’t give them any attention. It’s like a small child acting up to get someone to pay attention. Let your mind be filled with all the beautiful positives about your girlfriend. OCDis a big bully that is always circling like a shark. Continue to push forward. Stay strong 😀

[Cup-cake7]

the group 'freedom from fear ' is very useful program it covers ocd too By David Johnson a wonderful NZ guy. Genuine. Taken from the late Claire weeks..I read her book 1st and it made complete sense to me

from experience I would just say don't make any major decisions until you know in your true gut. That You are rational and have proper perspective.. it's true. The thoughts are just tricking you. , the program teaches you that, you learn to face it, accept, to float, and let time pass. The more practice you give it your subconscious learns..

in the meantime, any of those things like slow breathing to put more oxygen around your brain to slow down the racing thoughts. Is good. Remember They are not real thoughts the advice above is great.

[Phoenyx]

I too have relationship OCD. It was so severe that I almost got divorced. Not only it’s trying to convince me that I don’t love my husband but also it makes me very agitated. I’ll be honest if it’s not for the medications I won’t be able to deal with this only with therapy. Exposure therapy, breathing techniques, grounding and so on work but not as great as meditations for me. Trust me I know how you feel and it’s just horrible. The inner voice is so strong and it’s hard to not believe it’s telling you the truth. But it’s not the truth because this voice disappears with medications.

[lavender514 in reply to Phoenyx]

Thank u for sharing. It's great to hear that medications has worked well for you. For me, my medication has worked well for my other themes of OCD, but for this relationship OCD, it does not seem to be doing much. We've recently added another SSRI to try, but for now it still doesn't seem it's doing much. It feels increasingly hopeless, leaving me to think I have to live like this forever, or break up with my partner. Would you say your medication has helped you remove most of the ROCD symptoms? I guess I want to know how much medication is able to help someone so I could set my expectation levels for the medicines

[Phoenyx in reply to lavender514]

I take SSRIs, antipsychotics and hemp in order for me to eliminate all thoughts. I still have very mild OCD on the back of my head but it’s not loud at all.

[lavender514 in reply to Phoenyx]

Do you experience any restlessness with these anti psychotics? I have tried them before but had to stop as I experienced restlessness and akathisia which was very debilitating and since then I haven't dared touch them.

[Phoenyx in reply to lavender514]

Not at all but I have to mention that I've been prescribed antipsychotics from Europe. My psychiatrist in the US tried to switch me to Vraylar and I left horrible on them- I was so slow and so depressed. I stopped them on day 5 and told her I refuse to take them. I went back on my old antipsychotics. My GP sends a prescription to Canada and I get them shipped from there. I understand your concern. I too stick to whatever I know works for me with minimum side effects