I am facing this type of problem from 1.5 years and next year I am going to college, and the thought about it is killing as I will see only new faces but before it I was so excited about college. People say college friends and life is the best, but in my case even if I get great friends, my mind will ruin it. I still have 6 months left for college. I want to get rid off this nightmare. If anyone would have said I am gay or bi before 1.5 years, I would have laughed it off but now even thinking about people gives me anxiety. I don't know what to do. I don't want to become gay or bi ever. Wish I would have never known this types of things.
My mind is also like that you are in denial or realizing that you are not straight. I want things to become normal again. I don't gave guts to look g porn because 1. I worry that what if I get aroused. 2. Even if I don't, I will get disgusted and my mind will always show me that image. HOCD is killing. Even before puberty I had crush on girls, now its like I am suppressing myself. I know about ERP but I don't want to share this with my friends or family and also worried that it will create images and audios in my mind. Before Hocd, I thought I will be in touch with all of my friends after marriage. Now I don't want to even talk with them because hocd tells go have them. Everything is ruined, I cant concentrate on studies.
The thing is before hocd I don't even knew that someone can actually be gay. I thought their actions are like gay, they aren't actually and at last they will marry the opposite gender so I used to hang out with anyone and till now I have never met a gay or bi person which is actually good for me as I am suffering from HOCD.
Now when I meet any person, my mind is like check if you are aroused or not, its now automatic I remember when I saw male models or actors, either I was like meh or I was like " Oh, I wish I too had that body or face." When ever I am ok(that rarely happens for like 30 minutes at max) and convinced I am not gay or bi, my mind always reminds me something related to it , I give some reasons and then whole cycle starts again.
I don't have mental peace from anything, whenever I see a cute girl my mind is like now its time to look a guy and compare both (like wtf), what if I became gay or bi in future.I don't get that what do you all mean by "accept" it, that I am gay or bi, that's horrifying or do you mean by accepting be like "yeah whatever" and get distracted. Now mind tells me you will not able to live with a girl after marriage, it kills me.
I didn't even found boys attractive and I thought I should appreciate them too but now see what has happened. I am in so much pain. Just hoped I didn't even knew these things. HOCD has taken my life, I just want this to go and be like before.Please help me. I will update more symptoms and my condition as soon as anyone replies.
45 Replies
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I am sorry to read that you have been going through a rough time.
Below is the link to a therapist called "Nathan Peterson" video on HOCD.
Please go the link and below you can scroll and find the HCOD video.
I have seen his video, but these thoughts are not going anywhere, idk what to do now. Don't even want to talk with any of my friends. Can't even study. Afraid of college.
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I had learnt in therapy that the best way to deal with obsessive thoughts about anything,
is to sit with the anxiety, facing the feared consequences.
Slowly, the anxiety will lessen, and the thoughts will lose importance, and fade away in the background.
Try to accept the thoughts as they are.
Accepting does not mean that we agree with them.
When we give importance to OCD thoughts, it fuels the fire.
Thus, the thoughts become stronger, and a vicious cycle starts again.
OCD wants reaction from us, and if we get troubled by the thoughts, it has achieved its goal.
I struggle on a daily basis with morality OCD thoughts.
I am just trying the therapy techniques.
I hope you can find a therapist who has speciality in OCD.
Hoping you feel better soon.
Wishing you all the best in life.
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I tried what you all said about ERP once, but it didn't do anything for me as it backfired and I have now some images in my mind,GROSS.....
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I am sorry to hear that ERP did not work out for you.
I am treatment resistant, and I had tried ERP but it does not always work.
I understand that feeling of frustration.
Maybe some medication for OCD can help.
I am on Zoloft an anti-depressant, given for OCD, and even though it has not helped me improve my symptoms, it is keeping me stable, for surviving on a daily basis.
OCD is caused by an imbalance of serotonin in the brain.
Drugs like Zoloft hep with giving more serotonin.
Everyone reacts to medicines differently, maybe medication could work for your symptoms.
I see a Psychiatrist who prescribes medications.
I am on many medications which are given as an adjunct with OCD medicines also.
Long time ago, when I was in college, my OCD had become severe.
I saw a Psychiatrist on campus, and he prescribed Zoloft to me.
I was able to study well and graduate with a BA degree, in spite of my symptoms still being there.
Medicines help calm the brain from the over-active brain of OCD.
We are here for you as your support.
You are not alone in this journey of treatment in OCD.
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Let's see what god has planned for us all, its a very hard path for us OCD sufferers, we have to be motivated at every moment in our life.
I wish we had Thanos's snap for this and many other things.
So sorry you are having such a hard time. I'm helping my son with a different type of OCD...I recommend your parents finding an OCD therapist near you....Exposure therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy - seem to be what everyone on this site recommends for making significant progress. Can you talk to your parents (even if it's just OCD in general, not your sexuality fears..depending on what you are comfortable with?) and have them help you find a therapist?
I understand that. But it wasn't until my son started talking to us that we realized that OCD is really it's own class of an anxiety disorder that can really be debilitating at times. Think more about sharing with your parents. I'm sure they would want to know how much you are struggling and get you in a much better emotional place before you go off to college. Best time to get some help is now, while you are home... Just my advice as a parent of a teen/young adult who wishes we had been able to know what this was and address it before he went off to college. Would have spared him a lot of struggling on his own. He's happy we are supporting him and got him with an OCD specialist now. Never be afraid to ask for help! Good luck!
Good for you sir! I understand what you are trying to say but that is not my main concern because even if they know about this thing, they can't help as it is a mental disorder as it will make them anxious too, I also get that getting motivation from parents is very helpful but I just want to end this type of stupid thing forever and be like you all normal that's my main concern.
Ok - but just remember -- no one is "normal". All humans have things they deal with...even if it's not OCD. Hope you can find the support and advice you need.
Hey man. I had the exact same thing at the exam same age, at the exact same point In my life. It does get better! I was at a point also where I wasn’t able to hang out with my friends because I was constantly checking my reactions. I went even deeper than you seemed to and regularly forced myself to watch gay porn and what not to figure it out. OCD is powerful and whatever you think your reaction may be, OcD can alter it. The things I found helped me were regular meditation and just staying busy. If you truely get invested in an activity and not just because you’re trying to distract yourself, you will get distracted and stop thinking about it. If you keep doing this, eventually the brains feelings it associates with the thoughts we’re having will change. You’ve really just got to be productive and not spend all day in your own head. I started the HOCD thing in November of last year and by March I was fine. I’ve had little relapses since but I get out of them quickly. I am now in a great relationship with my girlfriend and am super happy. All the best my man, you’re not alone!
Good for you brother! what is your age? So after March whenever you were free, do you think about your mental state and this HOCD still does nothing to you?? If it does nothing to you then you are cured and congrats! But my question is whenever you are free, your HOCD doesn't raise any question, doubt, possibilities and in your case that g porn stuff??
What happened to you when you watched that g porn?
My HOCD is also giving me thoughts of my friends, It says you will end up with a man and you will like it. has this happened to you too?
I agree that am not that good with girls and enjoy with my friends better but this happens to like almost everyone, isn't? and I want to improve my communication skills with a girl.
I am also scared that what if this homo stuff, came in my mind when I am having sex? Hope I too get this HOCD cured before I join college otherwise probably the best years of my life will be doomed even my whole life( omg! I don't even want to think about it).
Hey sorry am using a different account now. I am 19 now. Everything you’ve said has happened to me I found that the attempting to try and prove/ disprove whether or not you are gay is exactly what keeps you in the OCD loop. No one ever knows exactly what their sexuality is and it’s better to stop trying to figure it out. Even if what you’re doing to test your sexuality is giving making you think you’re straight, it’s better for you in the long term to not ask the question at all. As with the gay porn I got mixed results, a lot of the time I had no arousal and the few times I did I wasn’t arosused because of what I was watching I had just freaked myself out about it so much and got so anxious I kinda tricked myself into having a reaction. My ocd stopped making me question myself after I got distracted, which hopefully you will be able to do. Homosexual thoughts have come into ky mind during sex once or twice but I guarantee the only reason that happened/ happens is because you were super scared it was gonna happen, so it happened, not because it was natural. Since then I’ve had plenty of normal sex with my girlfriend without any of these thoughts
Congrats! Seems like you are 95% at least cured, Yeah you are right before HOCD I never questioned anything even the word gay disgusted my mind, I didn't even thought any detail of it( the thing is I didn't know a person can actually be gay or bi, I thought its is just a slang and at last all people are straight ), after learning things about it I think an atom bomb of anxiety got blown up in my mind which has lasted from last year September 2018 and is still here, I think I shouldn't have done research about it, I still regret about it, because of it my I can't even study (from last 3 months, the total amount of time I have studied is like 1 hour to 2 hours at max).
Btw, How did you get distracted? I am going to college in June or July 2020( btw in India, in govt. engineering colleges the sex ratio is too low(10:1), LOL), what if it strikes me then regarding new people(as there will be 100% new faces)
I think now I have to literally stop giving any shit to these thoughts, I know I was 100% straight, I am 100% straight and will be 100% straight.
I have experienced HOCD in both directions. Being homophobic did not help either. I went through high school with a lot of internal homophobia which messed with both my friendships and self esteem. I'm 25 now, and all I can say is I wish I just accepted my sexuality sooner.
The truth is, I never figured out if I'm gay, bi, or straight, but the secret is it really doesn't matter! If you find someone who brings you true happiness, accept it, whatever their gender. If they don't make you happy, then they're simply not the right person for you. I have dated males and females, and I can tell you that their gender really doesn't matter in terms of the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. I found someone who makes me feel good emotionally, mentally, and physically. I'd say you have a 50/50 chance of guessing my current partner's gender.
Overcoming HOCD isn't about figuring out if you're straight or gay. It's about just being okay with whatever makes you happy. Don't let it pull you into that trap. I know it's easier said than done because I've been there, and it brought me down for years thinking I was a monster.
Also, mental peace is an abstract concept. Just keep being you and doing whatever you want to as long as you're not hurting anyone including yourself. Do the things you want to do. Unfortunately with OCD, we can't always think the things we want to think. Feel free to send me a direct message if you want to talk about it more!
I am great and OK to date and marry the opposite gender but not with my brothers, that's for sure. I only want to get these disgusting thoughts out, nothing else. I was always straight and still am and will always be but a external thing triggered it not my own thinking( well people can get this from their own thinking too). And what both directions are you talking about?
I have the same problem of hocd all i know is that im straight i wanna be with girls only. Recently hocd has been driving me crazy idk y but everytime im around someone my mind is saying tell em your gay but thats the thing tho im not gay nor do i ever wanna be gay. I wouldn’t care what anyone would think i just never wanna be gay nor bi. I like girls only when i get thoughts with girls i get happy and there was this girl that i met at a program and i was with her for a while and i really liked her and when i was with her i felt happy but she left and i never got to ask her for her number or something to contact her and i got really depressed right after because i felt i had gotten close to her and soon after the thoughts came back again and i hate it cause i know thats not who i am but its making me go crazy and it feels so real. Ive been crying at nights and it feels as if im going through it all over again from the beginning where it was really bad and i dont want to go through that again.
Don't worry bro, we all are on the same mission. Just ignore these thoughts,and whatever anyone says aboutyou like"you have realized it, you just need to come out"etc, these all types of things are bullshit. It's the fear that feels real. You have to ignorethese thoughts, don't do any compulsions, there are many types of feelings, which are awkward, good, horrible. Those doesn't mean that you have become them. I will say just ignore them because we can't do anything about it, your brain will give clever responses even if they don't make any sense when you think about these thoughts just ruin your mood. Make it funny, anything that gives relief. Just ignore them, time heals everything.
Note- If you were straight before you will always be straight, that can't be changed. That's for sure. I know I was 100% straight , am 100% and will be 100% straight. I don't know what those lgbts feel and I don't want to. These thoughts have plagued our mind and nothing else.
I am too suffering from it and I am confident that atmost before my college admission, i will be like I was before HOCD and maybe even better.
Thanks glad to know im not alone and yes ive been straight my whole life ive only ever had crushes on girls and i still do and ur right i should try to ignore the thoughts but they feel so real sometimes and it ruins my mood.
Hopefully, i just had a bad night i woke up in the middle of the night and i had left my tv on and all of a sudden when there was a guy on the tv and i dont know y but i had the gronial and my mind started telling me i enjoyed it and than i was panicking because it came all of a sudden then more thoughts popped up and i couldnt sleep for the rest of the night but the thing is that before that i had been in a good mood that whole day and i wasnt thinking about hocd and i felt good and relaxed and i kinda felt normal till that night.
LOL no, groinal response can come at anything, they doesn't mean anything. Maybe you became automatically anxious when you saw that good looking person because you have fueled your hocd by giving thoughts to it. Don't think about it, you are normal.
Even I am suffering from same condition even I am from India....but I am a girl...even I had same thoughts and a day before I posted about my condition and to my surprise I am much relieved today..you know what helped me...just opening myself up in front of my mom and crying myself out...she really helped me...she told me just don't think about it, I told her that it's really difficult as the thoughts just keep popping up..she said let them come, you just don't respond to them, let your mind be busy...I even discussed it few close friends of mine though it didn't help much...I know it's really difficult...I am in college and even I am not being able to enjoy it fully as I feel like crying all the time...so just see if you can open yourself in front of someone who understands you...it would really help you...also I have found the Linden method for OCD, though I haven't tried it, seems that it could really help...you might like to research about it a bit...
Best luck..stay strong... don't worry you are straight as an arrow....😂just keep in mind this thing... 😊
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Yes! You too are straight as an arrow, this fear has messed up with our minds. I remember before this disgusting thing I was so much good, yes, it is very difficult to not think and even these thoughts pop up automatically. We have to give it time and eventually it will fade and erased and we will laugh and regret how we wasted our time on this stupid and disgusting thing and yeah, if you will try Linden method in the future. can you please tell me how was it??
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Did you search for it? If I do, I will definitely, but because I am improving, hope I or any one of us doesn't need it ...
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Yes I too know about it, in fact the guy who made it too suffered from HOCD. I think it's somewhat like CBT, but I too don't want to do it because 1) I too am improving but at a slow speed. 2) I don't want to give such importance to this stupid thing although I have already given it 100 times more( Yes, I regret it.)
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Same here.. let's try our best to fight with this..
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At last we have to ignore these thoughts no matter how much our brain tells us to react on them, because we know we are normal it's just the fear that's acting on us. Time heals everything.
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Hey! How you doin'? Are you better?
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I am all perfect like before.... enjoying..how are you
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better, but not perfect. Are you 100% cured? Wow, that was so quick. Good for you.
How did you beat it?
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After I had a talk about it to my mom everything was again normal. I don't know if it's 100% cured or not. I know it sounds wierd, but is better than being with it. All the best.
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Wow! So you don't have any bad thoughts about it, even after you came to reply? And for how many days you are ok? Seems like your mom is a good counselor, what did she exactly say to you? It might help me too. Sorry for so many questions, this thing is killing me.
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It's okay, I can understand. Well, I didn't have bad thoughts while I replied, and yes my mom is an amazing counsellor. I do get such thoughts in between, but they are very less like negligible. She didn't say anything special, everyone says don't pay attention to such thoughts, let them go, don't respond, etc,etc..but when you open up in front of someone special..it really helps. Keeping things within you will worsen the situation...let them come out..as they come out, you will feel free..it has been more than a month now..and I am all okay. No one knows you better than your family, atleast when it comes to emotional support. And if your family isn't that understanding, close friends might help. But believe me, even I thought that my mom wouldn't understand me, but she handled it so wonderfully. All the best.. hope you and everyone here come out of this as soon as possible.
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Seems like if not 100% you are 95% cured, great. I get what you are saying, opening up helps. Like we are opening up on this post.
Well, what's your age and when did this HOCD came to you, asking this because if I can relate to you maybe I will feel better? Have you done any checking after you got HOCD i.e compulsions?
I think you will be 100% cured after 1-2 months at max, congrats in advance.
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Thank you. Hope the same for you. I thought of watching porn, but couldn't. But I kept checking if I feel something when I see other girls. I even stopped meeting friends, watching movies, TV cause they had female characters. I didn't wanted to go anywhere, not even college, I felt like crying all the time, sometimes breaking down during lectures as well. I also kept checking certain websites and that is when I came across this one. I am 19 and this came in November last year.
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All's well that ends well. Congrats. Good that you didn't searched porn. And don't watch porn because of it will give expectations as it is fake, low sex drive, bad morale and for you, lesbian are not hidden like gay in porn, so don't ever watch porn.
One more thing, so there is no urge for checking girls for your hocd because as you are in college and obviously, living in hostel with girls. If not that, WOW.
Go enjoy your relationships with guys( sounded weird for me,lol). And yeah, last thing, relationship problems will come like every couples, so don't get upset and start to question yourself and I think if you will be cured now and I don't think you will again have to question yourself.
Hope I will be cured too till end of April because I am heading off to college.
Good Luck.
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Thank you. Good luck, everything will be fine, as it was before or even better.
Hi dude ...I am 30 year old and father of two girls...just wanted to share that I have suffered with same problem from past 13 years...all I want to say that this will pass .Be patient..don’t go into rituals of proving otherwise.groinal response will happen don’t bcoz of you being gay but bcoz of anxiety so don’t be anxious. It’s disease and it doesn’t anyway define your sexuality.be strong
Great! That you are normal and these disgusting thoughts aren't bothering you, can you tell me for how much time did you suffer from HOCD as you said you got it at the age of 17 and are you 100% cured?
Hi again just wanted to know if u have ever had hocd in your dreams because lately ive been having these weird dreams that have me getting up late at night and i try to not think about it because i know that im straight but sometimes my mind really starts to mess with me after ive woken up and most of the times im scarred to fall asleep because of these dreams and i just wanted to know if u ever experienced this.
Don't try to think about them, they will come even more. Example, when I say don't think about elephants, even if you try you will think about them. Bad dreams has happened to me too, it came for a 18-19 times till now after I got HOCD, but before HOCD these type of dreams never came, I know people can get dreams before HOCD, without having HOCD. The thing is I want to say that it doesn't mean anything.
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I do not know if my life has hope(see details I post in comment)
Sexual OCD thoughts are destroying me.
if youve seen the post titled “help pls at breaking point” from me pls reply
Fear of Repressed Memories
Scrupulosity OCD- Catholic
