Trying to figure out if this is still OCD

[Lav1612]

Hello! I have a question, this started 5 years ago, my mother is the most important person in my life, one random day a thought popped up in my mind (using slangs for my mother) I felt extremely guilty and used to cry about it all the time, with time and asked for forgiveness from god. I didn’t share it with anyone. At one point, I felt even if I was doing it, if I ask for forgiveness, I will be forgiven.

Now I feel that I am a sinner and I will go to hell or my next life will be a bad one because of deliberately thinking these thoughts (mentally using slangs) for my mom. Quotes related to Karma keep on popping on my IG feed, which I feel is a sign from the universe.

I am unable to love her the way my sister does. I’m Unable to love her because my thoughts about her are not pure. My feelings have changed. Would that still be considered OCD? She hasn’t done anything bad to me and tries to help me in every way possible.

Any response would be highly appreciated

[Natureloverpeace]

It sounds like OCD to me. OCD tends to attack what we value and we end up attaching meaning to those thoughts. Everyone gets intrusive thoughts but people without OCD can easily dismiss them because they realize they are just random thoughts that don’t mean anything. They’re just thoughts, nothing more. We with OCD wind up thinking the thought must mean something and we latch onto it, ruminate on it and go down the rabbit hole of what ifs. Thoughts don’t equal actions.

[Lav1612 in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Hi, thank you for your response, I can’t get to make myself believe that this OCD because I choose to think these thoughts and my love and respect for her is lost because I am doing these things deliberately and normalised them. Hence I feel that there is no chance of redeeming myself and I will go to hell

[Natureloverpeace in reply to Lav1612]

OCD therapists say that intrusive thoughts pop into our heads and we can’t control that. We can choose how or if we respond to them though. A thought doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t have that power. Action-fusion is the term mental health professionals use for when a person assumes that just because a person has a thought that they will act on it. If a thought popped into my head that I was going to rob a bank tomorrow, I would notice the thought and then dismiss it as a weird thought. Having the thought doesn’t make me a bad person or mean I would act on it and actually rob a bank.

[Lav1612 in reply to Natureloverpeace]

Thank you so much for taking out time to read my post and respond to it. This was really insightful! I’ll try my level best to keep this in mind and move forward 😊

[avoidingthebadthings]

What you're going through is really difficult. I have the same thing where I think bad thoughts about my mother and then accuse myself of not loving her properly. It's hard to remember that thoughts and feelings have no moral value. No moral value whatsoever. OCD makes us think our thoughts have moral value, but it's lying. Only our actions have moral value. And I tend to bet that you are probably really kind to your mother in "real life," because you are so scared of being bad.

Have you been able to talk to a therapist about these thoughts? It would help to tell someone about them and to hear how these thoughts sound coming out of your mouth. Part of the power of OCD thinking is that we think we're being objective and rational about our thoughts. Sometimes, when we hear them spoken out loud, we realize they aren't at all powerful, nor do they make much sense. They only seem powerful when we're trying to maintain control over them.

You haven't done anything wrong. Whatever is going on in your mind is just thinking. It's painful to listen to for you, but it's not hurting anyone outside of you. Take good care of yourself and be patient with yourself. This won't go away overnight, but with the help of a therapist, it can begin to seem less and less scary.

[Lav1612 in reply to avoidingthebadthings]

Thank you so much for your response! It is extremely insightful! It is just that I don’t feel the same love towards her as I used to before these thoughts popped up and the fact that I deliberately insult her and others. I would admit that I am sadist too. It is extremely difficult to have positive intentions about people. I usually don’t have positive intentions about people and this makes me feel that I am a sinner and I will go to hell. My therapist has has said that I have clinical OCD, but the deliberate thoughts and feelings that I have for people doesn’t make me feel it is OCD.