I seem to lack the words to explain to my family how i feel.

[rednblack]

i dislike claiming to be hard-done by in any manner, so i will just be honest and state the facts.

in the start i got bullied throughout my primary and secondary schools, i was in and out of education for aggressive and anti-authority type behavior due to many attempts to defend myself against daily verbal and physical discrimination by other students and some teachers for my tourettes, aspergers, and adhd. This led to a lack of self esteem and i found myself often wondering what the point in even trying to "fit in" socially was, as i grew from ages 7 to 13 i spent increasingly longer periods of time shut away in my bedroom on the computer, attempting to find security in music and online video games, often finding myself in a position of addictive behavior towards such things, i would put my headphones in and play online games from waking up at around 12pm all the way until about 5-6am in the morning, often sitting at the computer until i fell asleep at the desk, i would do this without eating or drinking very much at all on a daily basis, causing me to weigh 4 stone at the age of 10, needless to say i was quite underweight, and i am still underweight at the age of 17.

from ages 15 to 17 i was in highschool, a pupil referral unit for "children with issues" as such, even here i was dug at by other students for my tourettes but i tried not to let that effect me much, after turning 16, i had a year of feeling suicidal and as if all i was capable of was ruining things or hurting people emotionally, i had self harmed several times cutting my arms and legs with a knife and often laying there for hours on end wishing for my life to end. at this point, about half way into the year i started smoking, i can remember my first cigarette making me incredibly light headed and because of that i lost track of my thoughts while under the effects of nicotine to a non-smoker like myself at the time, which felt nice, and calming, because i was so focused on trying not to feel dizzy and walk straight to hide it from the teachers, i temporarily stopped thinking depressive and suicidal thoughts. but of course, once you start smoking you eventually gain a tolerance, so this "escape" was short lived and now im left with an addiction to cigarettes that i honestly wish i didnt have, but i lack the necessary motivation to do anything about it.

upon turning 17, i made a few friends, all of which had similar problems and continue to today, since leaving my pupil referral unit and going through a year of college, i have lost all but one of those friends. this year has begun with losing the only people i felt i could trust and understood how i felt, and has ended with feeling more depressed than i ever have. i had gotten to know a few more people, and had a few girlfriends, all of which either left me or lied to me repeatedly/cheated on me so i left them, but upon getting to know a few more people, i started going out a little bit more, mainly to a pub where i could get served, at the time i was under alot of stress from a lying ex, and so i took to alcohol as another little "escape", this didnt last long as i stopped myself before it was too late, but at the time if i felt stressed in some manner, i would drink destructively, pint after pint, shot after shot, until i was wasted. after losing that girlfriend, i stopped going out as much, and that pub is now closed, meaning that i am yet again back to sitting here in my room on the computer feeling like i would be of better use not here.

to elaborate upon the title of this thread, i have attempted to explain to my parents how i feel, ive had long conversations and some arguments, but despite my sister being depressed and her having both parents constantly checking to see if shes ok, i am left in my room with no contact the majority of the time, i feel jealous of her in all honesty, but as i was saying, despite all this, when i attempt to explain to my family how i feel, i get told to grow up, to be more mature, that im making myself feel like this because i wont do anything about it. i have explained that i want support because i feel i lack the motivation to help myself of my own accord, but i get told to just man up and sort it out. it is my belief that because of my adhd diagnosis, my family believe that i am just trying to seek attention, but i can guarantee that i genuinely feel this way, and they have seen my self harm scars, i feel as if nothing i say to try and get them to help me the same way they have helped my sister would work, purely because they dont believe me. i dont like feeling suicidal every day, and so im trying to explain to them i want their help, but other than being told to grow up, i have also been promised support in some occasions and then left in my room alone again for months on end. i love my family, and i care about my sisters well-being, but i also care about my own, and it seems i cant seek help because i have been called selfish and immature whenever i have tried to.

i guess my question is how, and where, can i seek the support i wish for elsewhere? keeping in mind i have mild anxiety attacks in most social situations, including phone calls, walking into clinics, shops, most buildings to do with a business of some kind whether it be medical or economic and talking to staff, and even online, right now i feel anxious about posting this, part of me is just saying "dont bother, you will just get hate posts or useless information" but the reason i am doing this, is because its the only option i can think of right now that has at least a small chance of helping me.

also, yes i have planned how i would commit suicide, many times and in many ways, my suicidal thoughts are far from fleeting, they occur most days and the only reason i dont is because im too fearful of harming myself to the point of no return.

[missrat]

You are not 'immature'. You a a person in emotional pain using the ways you can find to help it. Although a non-drinker and non-smoker myself, I understand how these could lead you to feel more relaxed, and I think many people use them - but they are not good ways - they help temporarily but have a let-down plus the danger of long-term health effects and addiction. What most people don't realise is that for many people, self-harm is just like that. It may bring immediate relief, but then we feel guilty and run the risk of infection and addiction. It's not just an action of 'immature young people' - I was 58 when I first self-harmed.

I suspect that, like me, quite a lot of it stems from being 'different' at school. In my case it was a cleft lip and palate, and going to speech therapy - and probable dyspraxia. In your case, it sounds as if the Tourette's, then being in a special class could have triggered Kids don't like kids who are different, don't want us in their teams etc. That's hard.- verbal abuse and bullying. That's hard. I grew up feeling I never belonged anywhere, except to my parents. I'm still not sure if I'm on the high end of the autistic spectrum or whether, because of Mum's health problems, I never learned to socialise. It's taken a long time, but I'm making real progress.

It is important that you do get help, though. I know the phone is hard, but it's good to have a few helplines to call when you feel suicidal - such as the Samaritans. Although slower, you can contact them by email at jo@samaritans/org. You may well find help on tourettes-support.org, where you can meet anonymously with other people sharing the same problems. They may be able to help you explain your depression and the feelings associated with having TS and 'being different' in a way that your previous 'neuro-typical', non-Tourette's, non-depressed helpers haven't.

Do come back here - we know depression, at any rate

Ann

[rednblack in reply to missrat]

thanks, i understand what you mean by your mum having her own problems too, my mother is in a wheelchair the majority of the time because of many dehabilitating illnesses such as diabetes and low platelets, also she is severely overweight because she was falsely prescribed steroids for half her life, but just because i feel she doesnt believe me when i say im depressed that doesnt mean i dont care about her, as she commonly misinterprets it as, i love her with all my heart and i can honestly say shes an amazing mum, but my family including my mother expect so much from me when i barely have the motivation to even talk to my one friend very often, through fear that i may burden him with all my problems and he would get sick of it.

you see, i tend not to help around the house alot, but when im not helping around the house, im either out with one of the very few people i get on with, or shut away in my room feeling like crap, due to this my mum believes me to be more lazy than depressed, and i will admit i am lazy, but i can tell that it spans from depression because of the fact that i think of suicide on a daily basis, its just that no matter what i try and say or how i try to say it, i always get told to grow up or that im doing it to my self, well.. either that or i get false promises that they never deliver on, the other day i was supposed to be getting my birth certificate renewed before my 18th birthday which is coming up, but instead my parents went shopping, and my dad decided to go to my sisters workplace with a complaint with the way she has been treated.. then they forgot all about me, and come home.. and then the next day because the workplace had rung the police on my father because of "aggressive behavior" i assume, which isnt exactly true, but ofcourse he would be irritable after them not paying my sister her wages and mistreating her.

anyway, the point of this story, is that although im happy that my sister is getting the help she needs, i just wish i would too, as opposed to my whole family doing what the schools did and stick me in the corner of the classroom at my own table with no one else because i was the weird kid with facial twitches and tics.. its like i shut myself away in my room, because i feel thats where i belong, away from others, except part of me knows i have every right to be treated as an equal so im trying to fight back, the hard part tho is getting the support i need, because my family seem to be alot like the teachers at the moments, stick me in my own room, with no one else, and let me rot because im the weird kid who "thinks" hes depressed, when actually, if i wasnt, then i wouldnt have attempted suicide several times in my life.. as far as i believe, depression isnt something i would pretend to have for attention, because thats simply immoral and wrong, and the fact that my parents believe that, offends me greatly.. i guess thats why its hard not to argue with them instead of having a normal conversation, because they dont believe me, and that offends me.

[rednblack in reply to missrat]

i may try samaritans next time i feel incredibly low, but i doubt it will be easy, cheers for being there to talk to Ann.

[missrat]

Your parents probably don't realise that depression can show itself very differently, even in different members of the family, and stem from different roots. I feel so much for you as a 'different' child at school, and with a mother who was 'different' - although loving and a great Mum. Mine had a very obvious hand, head and voice tremor, and was afraid of peoples' comments, especially children. I think that unless you have experienced this, it is hard to understand how 'being different' still affects us, and how it can lead to different responses including depression, irritability and aggression.

I think you may find things on the Tourettes site which you can print out, and they will see that your reaction is common.

Very tentatively, I'd like to share a question I read in a book a few days ago - "Have you ever felt scared to be alone and alive?" It stunned me and brought back memories of being left in hospital as a child, when only weekly visiting was allowed. Our minds can have almost pre-verbal - in fact sometimes pre-natal memories which affect us (even at 66)! My depression has always taken the form of intense suicidal thoughts. I couldn't remedy being alone, but I could do something about 'being alive.' Fortunately my Christian beliefs and my fears of the effect on others kept me from actually doing it, but just before I went away I was nearer to it than ever before.

Take care, stay safe. We care.

Ann

[rednblack in reply to missrat]

that is incredibly true i must say, thinking about that question makes me realise that in all honesty i do fear being alone, i think it may stem from losses (either of family members, friends, girlfriends, or deaths of people ive cared or care about) and i have to admit that my whole life i have pretty much lost a fair amount of girlfriends, friends, and family members, which has always brought me grief, im a rather angry person at times, but mostly my anger and irritation is implosive, i tend to hold it in, when my grandad sadly passed i can remember distinctly my sister crying her eyes out for days on end, but personally i have never cried about it, i loved him and obviously i care that hes gone, but ive always just held things inside without even meaning to, i believe that due to the loss of these people in my life ive developed a fear of losing any more, so to try and cope i often tend to become rather attached to friends, which can sometimes annoy them, i worry about my one best friend because although i love him like a brother, i often neglect the fact that he is there for me, and i often burden him with my issues, admittedly he talks to me about his aswell, and he also suffers from depression, but he is the kind of person to deny things that he really believes, as am i. i can only hope that slowly things will improve for the both of us depression-wise, and that him and i can remain close friends for years to come.

i guess i am glad that i have one or two people i can rely on, its just hard when they are busy or preoccupied and i have difficulty coping very well when im on my own.

cheers for the help, its much appreciated.

[Hidden]

Hi

I really feel for you. Your childhood symptoms of Tourette's etc was probably a response to the struggle you felt inside about how to relate comfortably to people and instead of being supported you were bullied. I imagine you felt really angry about that, I know I would have.

Aspergers is a really difficult thing to live with as knowing how to relate comfortably to other people and understanding how to join in and feel loved are quite basic and something we all need. You don't say whether you have been formally diagnosed, but if you haven't then it may be worthwhile doing so, especially as you are still young and may in time want to earn a living, have a family or join in with society in other ways. Being diagnosed would enable you to be entitled to all kinds of help that otherwise may not be forthcoming because your problems may be just viewed as your being difficult.

You need to find as much support as you can, especially as your family are not at all understanding. I think as a first move if you haven't already done so you might find the Aspergers Society online to find a local support group. There will probably be one within reach, also there are other sources of support online for people with Aspergers. Make sure you find them and get as much knowledge about your condition as you can, that will empower you. The Aspergers organisations also do booklets for families of people who have that condition and in time it would be worth leaving one around in the house for your family to pick up if they do ever have the interest. However I wouldn't keep trying to get them to understand as if they have shown no interest in doing so in the past you may be just setting yourself up for further disappointments.

A good source of support may be the local branch of Mind as they are accepting of all emotional problems and you will be able to get support from them as well as getting involved in other ways which will help you to build upon the social skills which you must have in order to have developed friendships and had girlfriends in the first place.

If you can establish whether you have Aspergers as an actual diagnosis or other difficulties that resemble Aspergers, as I used to myself, that will be helpful. If you do NOT have Aspergers then your problems in relating may stem from difficulties that have developed over time in response to expeiences in childhood and if that is the case then psychotherapy is likely to be able to provide you with some help. Many years ago I met many of the criteria for Aspergers Syndrome and had very similar childhood experiences to you of being bullied and coming to feel isolation and fear of being alone, but lengthy psychotherapy has enabled me to understand how lonely and unloved I felt as a child and as a result I now realise that I had attachment problems not Aspergers! I went on to train as a psychotherapist within the NHS and now meet very few of the criteria for Aspergers - don't forget most people have some of the symptoms because there is a continuum between being almost too healthy, i.e. having all the skills but none of the deeper meaning or sensitivey, and having Aspergers but being highly sensitive. You may be just a very sensitive person who was hurt early in life and learned to cope in ways that brought you bullying, ridicule and further pain.

Do keep writing, I'd like to think that you will find ways to get support and can come back on the website as I think your courage in writing so openly is helpful to other people as well as to you. I try to write openly myself, because I think that is the only healthy way that we can help one another.

I wish you well,

Suexxx

[Hidden]

Hi

I've just gone back and read your replies to other people and it does sound as though you are able to form relationship, so the Aspergers label may have just been something that someone placed on you when you were young!!

You've had a lot to deal with at home, I think what you wrote about being due to get your birth certificate but your parents ignoring your needs and wishes and focussing upon your sister says so much. No wonder you have a lot of angry, if I were you I would feel enraged. It sounds as though you have always felt second best and that must be really hurtful. Have you ever told your parents? I haven't gone back to read all you've written so I'm sorry if I'm getting it wrong, but it does sound as though you've never really felt you've mattered, as if you went to your room and people in your family seemed to just accept that and not try to draw you back caringly into the family, as if they either assumed you were ok or didn't care. That really reminds me of my sister saying to me that I was a happy child and never seemed to need anyone - I told her that not needing anyone is not a sign of a child being happy but of a child who has stopped asking for what they needed because asking didn't bring it! It sounds like you have had some of that experience, as if your parents didn't seem to care that you were alone in your room, occupying yourself. Perhaps they genuinely thought you were happy, I don't know. Obviously being alone so much doesn't help when you come to mix with other kids of function as an adult because sadly we can't learn social skills playing computer games, although this sort of wbesite can help in some ways, though not the non-verbals!

Keep writing, we all have problems and the more we try to understand one another the better we'll all be.

Suexx