SURELY I CANNOT BE THAT BAD A PERSON??

[En1234]

I feel as though I am sinking again...each time I feel like this I sink just a wee bit lower. I really dont want to come on here and make myself look like some needy person who constantly needs to be told that things will be OK...

I know there are people out there in the world who are worse off than me. I dont know how I have managed to to get to this stage in my life feeling the way I do... Since January of this year it has been one thing after another, mostly related to my job. Leaving my old job the way I did at the end of December (under a cloud) has hit me really hard. I was fortunate enough to get another position and started that in the January, this proved to be too much for me as I was not given the training required to enable me to do the job. I left and for the 2 months after it I worried myself sick until I was able to start a new job at the beginning of this month. I started the training and after 3 weeks I left this position also. I found the job too much and knew that I was just not taking the information in, or I was taking it in but it was just not sticking. A lot of figures, dates to try and remember, spreadsheets and 3 different computer systems and I really struggled from the word go. Its not that I didnt try, I really did.

I just cant understand why my confidence is as low as it is and I fear I have made things worse now. God knows IF I will ever be offered another position and if I do, am I going to feel the fear again???...

I see people coming and going to and from their jobs every day and this is all I want too but it doesnt seem to be happening for me. The anxiety this is causing is overwhelming.

My best friend has tried to make me feel better by telling me that I have done the right thing on both of those occasions as she puts it "if you are not happy, then dont stay, you will only end up even more miserable...You went to 2 different jobs that were just not for you..??" I wish I could make myself feel the same way and move on but all I see is a hopeless, useless, worthless mess of a person!!!

[Stilltrying_]

Hi En1234 ,you are just having a bit of a down "moment", as we all do.

I know how important work and your role therein is to you; but I honestly agree with your friend; that you made the right decision on both occasions. I know how infuriated you are over why you had to leave the first job in the first place, but I do think this is just a case of "time will heal".

I don't know how desperate you are for the money but if you are not desperate then for God's sake take up sitting in coffee shops for a bit with your friends, decorating, or going to the gym (whatever's your thing) and enjoying your bit of freedom. So many people would love that opportunity !

I'm not knocking you; just basically saying "You're still good to go woman". You've just had a couple of setbacks (or I would prefer to call them "learning experiences") Even all that computer stuff you reckon didn't go in you will probably have learned something somewhere within that course that may help you in the future.

You are obviously a dedicated and enthusiastic employee. Don't believe the rubbish in your head that you'll "never" get another job. Of course you will ! And a good one at that.

Come on here as much as you like. You're one of the saner ones!!!!! xXXXXX

[harv_singh]

Hi en, You should be proud of yourself, you tried your best at your last job and even though it didn’t work out, at least you tried and that takes a lot of strength.

I know how you feel, I too would love to be able to go to work everyday and I look out my window and watch as people go and come back from work and I wonder why I’m not able to do that.

As hard as it is, and I know how brutally hard it can be, please don’t beat yourself up, it just wasn’t the right job and one day you will find the right job for you. But for now En, take care of yourself and don’t let the anxiety win!

[Hidden]

Aw u r not worthless nor a mess. Everyone gets down. It's a brutal place where our insecurities are magnified and our confidence can get strained by lack of energy. I'm so happy that u decided to write your message. Everybody needs support, u don't sound 'needy' to me. It is hard watching people go to work and not b going yourself. I am going through that too. Sometimes I feel worthless bc I can't do what I did before my depression got so debilitating. But against what my depression wants me to believe, I have to say I'm worthy regardless of how uncomfortable that is----and it is! So please when u feel low, reach out so we can all help each other.

Take care En

[Laurie1971 in reply to Hidden]

Wow, you are so uplifting. 😌

[Hidden in reply to Laurie1971]

Thankyou! That's nice to hear.

[Zoea]

Wow. Relax! I hope you aren't havin money problems, if so approach yer GP and ask for help and hopefully (Universal Basic Income should REALLY be a thing!) get some benefit(s

So just try and breath and enjoy life. I'm here for you. You're ok!

[MAS_Nurse]

Hi En1234, as hart_singh has posted, one day you will find the right job for you. It may be helpful to you to join a course that aims to increase your self confidence. Local colleges sometimes run these courses, so it may be worth asking about this. Also, some voluntary work may help you, and most areas have a volunteer bureau where you can go in and discuss the type of work you may like to do. This will also help to increase your self confidence. You will find something that is right for you and where you will be happy. Look after yourself and please stay on this supportive forum and let us know how you are getting on.

[En1234 in reply to MAS_Nurse]

Thank you!! XX

[clovislorry]

Hello En1234, how are you feeling now? I hope things are more in perspective for you and that you have accepted that you have done the right thing. I don't know you but I've seen from your posts that you are an intelligent, capable person and I am sure you will find your niche in the job world soon.

I was thinking about you and wondered if you had considered doing some temping work? I always found that to be really interesting, it gave me some useful experience with things I hadn't tried before, and I was offered several jobs over the years once the companies saw how useful I could be. Some of my best jobs came from temping and I'd highly recommend it. One time I took a temping job sorting out a huge pile of filing that had grown out of control in a busy office. It took me 2 weeks to sort it all out and I ended up reorganising their complete filing system. I was "noticed" and when they found out what else I could do they offered me a permanent job as a training systems administrator. And I was in my fifties too, on a break between some bad job experiences. That led me to gain my professional personnel qualification and I never looked back. So I'd recommend it if you feel like trying it?

[En1234 in reply to clovislorry]

Thank you so much for this. To be honest, for years my life has been OK but since Christmas there have been so many "big bumps in the road" that I have been completely overwhelmed and when your not used to situations like this, especially one after the other, it just feels as though your world is just completely out of control. The world really can be a scary place but on the flip side of that coin, it can also be a wonderful place.

I sat at the weekend and had a heart to heart with my mum, something we have not done in a long while, and she had no idea of how I was feeling although she said she supported me in the choices I had made concerning these jobs. I have had one temping job but that was back in January and I have to say I did enjoy it, so this would definitely be an option. I will just have to re-register with the agency.

I have applied for another couple of jobs and have heard back already for both of these positions. I have got one interview lined up for next week and I am feeling a lot calmer. I do realise that I am one of life's "panickers", but adding alcohol to the mix, after having been sober for such a long time, was something else I was ashamed of. My mum said she is going to go out out and buy me a leather belt with a very large buckle on it so I can just beat myself up with it. She is also of the opinion that I am very hard on myself so from now on and am going to try and be nicer to me...

Today I went for one of my long walks, listened to the wee birds singing, sat on a big rock down by the water and felt the sun on my face for the first time in ages. The flowers were so colourful and the smell of the sea was lovely. So quiet and peaceful.... And I suddenly felt very ashamed of the fact that this time last week I was desperately wanting to just give all of this up!!. I am going to seriously look into meditation as I have heard this is really good for people like me....

Sorry, I am writing a book here but not been on for a couple of days!!

Hope you too are also having a good day my friend, and remember I am always here for you too.

Thank you again. Means a lot!

Theresa

XXXXX

[AjMiki]

Hi En,

The upshot is...your recent experience has resulted in this 'apparent' failure.

....so apart from blaming yourself and self analysis of a disappointment, what else would you do or could have done?

Do you listen? Any advice, guidance, opinion, confirmation?

I find you an absolute Gem...why, because you take on board all your shit, BUT, for me , you went to this job and tried it, and worked so hard to make it a success, it didn't work out....tried it, didn't like it, so that's not a failure, it's a choice. Fantastic.

I've done it, and sure loads others have.

Your determination is priceless, just like myself, yes you are feeling like why bother...the answer is clearly there.

Keep the faith En and F the rest.

[En1234 in reply to AjMiki]

Hi there AjMiki,

Lovely to hear from you. Your message was lovely and very inspirational. Reading your message over a couple of times, you have simplified something I have managed to over complicate. Now that I have managed to calm myself down a bit I can see that its not the end of the world after all. I can and have applied for other jobs and I have an interview next week, so things are moving already. I have been told I need to have more faith in my capabilities and start trusting that things will get better.

And your right, I can be quite a determined person when I want to be. I think I also lost myself a bit last week when I allowed myself to drink alcohol when I know this is the last thing I need. I gave up alcohol a long time ago but I think the feelings of shame that overcome you when you revert back to an old self just makes you feel worthless. Alcohol makes my panic ten times worse. The anxiety and heart palpitations this horrible stuff causes is enough to make me want to jump off a bridge. I know I will not do this again.

Anyway, I am sitting here just now with a large herbal tea (peppermint and liquorice), and it is absolutely delicious. I have just come back from my walk. I have been out for the last 2 hours. It is a lovely day outside and I sat on a big rock down by the water and just put my face up to the sun and listened to everything going on around me with my eyes closed. It was so peaceful.

Going to just chill now. I am so chuffed you took the time out to write your message and I thank you so much for this.

Remember, I am always here too. I forget sometimes that the world doesnt revolve around me and I would like to help someone else too if I can, so bear that in mind. I am always here for you too!!

Thanking you again.

Lots of love and hugs!!

Theresa

XXXXX