Trying to find a reason for my existence.

[Humphrey42]

Hi

It is fair to say my concerns are not as powerful as others on here. However I am really struggling to find a meaning to my existence. For the last 20 years I have become more aware of how insignificant I am. Initially being alone and doing stuff on my own didnt bother me. As time has gone buy its become increasingly aware how alone I am. Hour after hour day after day.. Not speaking to people. Especially Saturday nd Sunday. For the last 20+ years I have gone into town on my own. It does affect you. I have siblings and a mother but no man I can relate to Its good to talk to people over your sex. I have a pretty good in the sense of being well paid but its meaningless and has been demoralising. I live on my own which doesnt help. Also I've had relationships but never felt really connected with them. You think will I ever meet someone u feell connected with?

any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. Thanks Andy

[Hidden]

Hi Andy,

I am in the same boat and am really struggling at the moment, especially as Christmas looms. I've had 1 unsuccessful relationship after another since leaving school but never really managed to find anybody to connect with or that 'understands' me. I have been single now for nearly a year and though live with my 18 year old son feel very alone and isolated. I used to work in a corporate environment but now work for myself. When I first started my business it was a relief, not to have to work in an office anymore. I found it incredibly stressful at times. But I now miss the human contact. My son is due to leave home next year and I will have to move house and am dreading yet another life changing event. I don't cope very well with change.

Have you tried online dating? I know a few people who have tried it and have found their lifelong partners. But, it's not for everyone.

[Hidden]

Hi

I'm sorry not to have responded earlier, I read your blog last night and was too tired to answer then, but I was struck when reading it by you saying your concerns are not as powerful as those of other people on the website! I've been struggling recently with a feeling of a lack of meaning to my life, and although I am in a very different situation to yours in that I have a husband and have had two children with whom I do have a good relationship, nonetheless I think a failure to find life meaningful is one of the hardest things to experience so I think you do well to acknowledge so clearly how you are feeling.

You're describing a kind of profound loneliness which is one of the hardest things to cope with. You say you've spent a lot of time alone for 20 years and I'm wondering whether you did things with people before that time or whether it's just that you became aware of being alone then. I'm wondering whether something happened to change things or whether you've always been lonely? You write about not speaking to people but in your blog you have the courage to be open and straightforward in explaining your predicament so I'm wondering whether not speaking to people outside of work is by choice or has come about because of circumstances. You sound intelligent and it's great that you earn well which puts you at an advantage in that at least you are not having to cope in miserable circumstances too. I have always had the opposite problem in that I failed to achieve my potential in the oustide world and had to rely on marriage to provide for me. You don't say what your job is, do you have much contact with people? My fantasy is that you work with computers!

You say you feel a lack of having a man to relate to within your life, perhaps lack of a male role model interfered with your ability to connect with something in yourself and with your ability to relate fully as a male within your relationships. I'm wondering whether you had a father in your life who left, perhaps 20 years ago, or whether you've never had a father around.

It's difficult to know exactly your situation from what you have written but it sounds as though although you have a mother and siblings you have not felt connected with them either, although I may be wrong in thinking that. I have tendencies that are quite Aspergers like due to being emotionally isolated as a child, and it has taken me a long time to recognise how isolated I have been at different stages of life. You say you've had relationships but it's not clear whether they've been with men or women, either way you've not really felt connected within them which sounds as if you are not able to connect fully with some part of yourself, perhaps the emotional part that enables intimacy within relationships.

Like you I felt cut off from people for a long time and as a result of a lengthy period of psychotherapy I now feel real, connected emotionally to myself and also to others. You earn well, why not contact UKCP or BACP online and find a local registered psychotherapist, preferably one trained in a psychodynamic way of working. It is likely to cost around £40 for a weekly session. Within therapy if you are honest about your situation I think you will be able to find a relationship that gradually enables you to understand where the lack of connection comes from and to become connected internally at a feeling level to yourself and to other people. It would be easy to say why not go and join social groups, but I know from experience that with a history of being isolated and not feeling connected you would be likely to repeat that experience which might be painful and would be unlikely to bring about any positive outcome. Therapy will enable you to form an intimate relationship within a very safe and regular contact and without expectation that you go faster than you are comfortable with, but it will also offer intimacy which I think you will value and internalise. If you do have a close relationship with any female then it might be best to choose a male therapist, but if you have never felt close to your mother or siblings then perhaps a female therapist would be better as there is a natural tendency for females to be highly sensitised to unspoken emotions and that was what I found enabled me to move forwards.

You've already made the first move by coming onto the website and being so open, so in a way you are already beginning to make contact that has the potential to become meaningful.

Take care and I would love to hear more of your situation if you feel able to share more,

Suexx

[jonnywombat]

Hi Andy

Pretty much all of us here think our problems are trivial compared to those of others, It is one of the things depression does to you, it robs you of self esteem.

I am a 41 yo male who has suffered with depression and anxiety for much of my life. You are not alone in what you feel.

You should discuss how your feeling with your GP, as I am sure they will be able to offer you help, counselling sounds like a way forward for you.

To find people you can relate to you first have to meet people. If you have a hobby then is there a club nearby, maybe think about evening classes, a book club, volunteering at a local charity, whatever you can find where you may find a like minded people.

Like Sue I have problems relating to people. There is a thing called attachment theory which says things that happen in the first 2 years of life impact on how we relate and interact. This is definitely true for me. If you are interested google it, and see if it sounds like you.

All the best

Jonny

[Humphrey42 in reply to jonnywombat]

Hi Jonny,

Thanks for the comments. I think my father leaving when I was 8 affected me deeply.

The way he left, lack of connection, no real male role model. A bad relationship with him until he died.

Weekends can be really be bad if you dont have a plan for social interaction.

I go around town with no purpose or direction, its such a waste of time and life. U r so invisible in the town centre. I wish I could something with purpose on the weekend and in general. I think my father dying made me think of our mortality and he wasted his life. I dont want this to happen to me.

[Hidden]

Oh humphrey how I connect with how you are feeling. I have always been alone. I am very bad at relationships with men and have never had a permanent partner or children.

I have always found my solace in work, but been out of work for ages now and its really affecting my self esteem. I found that weekends were always the worst because everyone else seems to be having family time then and that was the time I always needed company.

I have had counselling in the past and realise that I am a committment phobe. My childhood left me unable to let people get too close to me because I never had that as a child.

I remember a counsellor saying to me that it is like being overdrawn by say 100 pounds at a bank. And not to try to get that 100 from one relationship. I have a number of friends and I get maybe 70 from them which is a lot better than nothing. With practise I am letting people get much closer to me and its ok. Scarey at first but easier with practise.

I know what I like to do and join others in doing it eg I love darts and pubs and social life so I play for a couple of dart teams and have made good friends over the years.

Counselling could be worth a try - its a way of letting you get to know yourself better and maybe then you will make friends that you can do things with more often.

Also a feeling of detachment and unreality is very common in lonliness. When I start feeling like that I seek company fast. I suffer from depression and those feeling are very common in depressives.

Hope you find your way.

Bev xx

[thelwell]

Andy I understand so much.Week ends are hard.I go to church on a Sunday which really helps.I have recently come out of a mental hospital after 9 weeks.My faith got stronger and stronger.People I didn't know came to visit me and brought gifts.Now I am out people have bought me food and come on walks with me.My work colleagues have organised rotas to visit...I work in a primary school.If I didn't have this I know I wouldn't have carried on.When I was younger I thought no one would want me.My husband committed adultery 4 years ago and I struggled with the forgiveness thing and threw him out.I never want another relationship because I wouldnt trust again.I do have attachment issues as I was adopted.I have put my trust in God and pray daily.It isn't always easy and I often get lonely,but the on line dating thing looks very dangerous.x

[Humphrey42]

Thanks. What is it like working a primary school? I'm glad u r feeling better. Everybody finds different ways of getting over loneliness/isolation I think. Men arent all bad Whatever makes us happy, sod anybody else. Personally things are getting better. U have to act,do and interact. On line dating is very hit or miss, better to have good friends initially.

Take care Andy

[Hidden]

Hi again

I can really connect with what you say about your father going when you were 8 affecting how you are now and why. My father left when I was 11 and although the effects upon me were different because I'm not male his leaving still affects me now sometimes quite drastically. Counselling would be a great idea, even better would be psychotherapy. I wonder if your GP would refer you to a psychotherapist within the NHS - depending upon where you live there may be a specialist department ot it may be a clinical psychologist, or if you have the money you could find a therapist privately by looking on the websites for UKCP or BACP.

Suex