Lonely and rely to much on pastor for approval

I live alone and my family have their own lives so I was becoming isolated . I joined a church and started taking part in a lot of church activities.. The pastor took an interest in me because I was new and asked me to become a reader and gave me a lot of praise. I felt valued and happy. Unfortunately I seem to becoming obsessed with the pastor who has his own life and wife. I feel happy if he smiles at me and depressed when he is talking to other people .As I write this I realise how stupid it sounds. Any advice how to get out of this situation .Has anybody else on this forum fallen into the same trap as me believing that they are important to a person who is hardly aware that I exist. It would be funny if it was not so pathetic.

6 Replies

  • No, it's not funny Joan, or stupid, or pathetic. It is human to react to people and develop feelings for them. Unfortunately the feelings that developed were the wrong ones, which can happen when we are lonely. See if you can see this man as a friend and source of support. Try to get involved with other church members, maybe by joining the choir or the flower arranging team and widen your circle. I hope it works out for you. Welcome to the forum.

  • Thank you

  • Hello Joan, Keep in mind that your Pastor is just a man and if you want to please look a little higher. Pastors are taught how to get people to help, to make them feel part of the church community. In some ways it is a business. That doesn't mean that God's work isn't being done or that people in your church aren't sincere . Your Pastor probably loves you as a sister in Christ and I'm sure he appreciates your efforts. You might want to examine your reasons for joining church in the first place and maybe recommit yourself to growing your faith. Yours in Christ, Pam

  • It's not stupid at all, just human. And I believe we're particularly vulnerable to these feelings when we're lonely or have low self esteem. Like the others have said, try and widen your circle a bit more (either within or outside the church). You've obviously got something a bit special about you or the pastor wouldn't have asked you to become a reader. Maybe you could use your skills in another voluntary role elsewhere in the community? And build on other relationships in your church too. The more involved you are, the more people you'll meet and the more potential friendships will be kindled.

  • Relationships are two way there may be something in your pastors dealing with you that is causing you to be insecure in the relationship. Does he blow hot and cold. I have had bosses like that sometimes I am top dog the next ignored. Personally I would consider moving on and as Busylizzie65 suggests maybe look for volunteering in a wider circle. Most important do not feel that you are being pathetic. You made the decision not to become isolated which is hard to do when feeling down and you have clearly proved that you have gifts to offer . Good Luck with whatever you decide.

  • I agree with the other replies that its not funny or pathetic and I feel for the pain its causing you. However you don't write as a teenager and therefore its a situation you recognise for what it is and can handle. Just as you handled the problem of isolation.

    Recognise that you have to give yourself a good talking too on the lines of " Stop these silly feelings before a situation arises where I say or do something that embarasses several people". I don't feel that there's much chance of this but if you make your mind up to treat the pastor as just another acquaintance and friend (which you can do) then you'll remove all the risk. If you can't do this, which I don't believe, I would keep life simple and join another church.

    On the whole the good talking too sounds a much easier option. You can do it yourself and no one else will ever know.


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