maybe im supposed to be this way forever?

I havent slept now for four nights, except the ocassional 15-20 min sleep, during that time I have horrific nightmares, and am terrified of sleep. I havent stopped panicking for weeks, and have taken more and more medication every night, still with no sleep. Cutting myself doesnt seem to be enough at the moment, and am having to hit my head an pull out my hair, and last night I tried to phone breathing space, but they just shouted at me and told me there was no point speaking to them because I was too wound up for them to be able to help. They just told me to go to bed. Im really sorry for having to share this, but ive started wetting my bed uncontrollably, only in the past month. I feel so ashamed of what ive become and hate myself for everything; but not amount of punishment seems to be enough anymore. People on here have told me im not alone, but in reality I have to face it, I am alone. I see / speak to nobody, except people on here occasionally, thats it. And it is very lonley. I feel so guilty for everything that has happened, and for becoming a complete freak. I have run out of options, there is nothing I can do about it, I know I should be able to just 'be normal' again, and even go outside, eat etc, but I have become completely useless. I really wish I didnt have to be here, what is the point? I know how I want to die, but I will have to wait a long time, because I need to do it in winter. I have researched hundreds of possible options, but keep coming back to the same answer. I know what hypothermia feels like, and im too much of a wimp to do anything else (got a vomit more scared of being sick than dying). But its still only just Autumn, its just agony how slowly the time is going


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23 Replies

  • It won't be too long before the nights get colder. Even late October can be chilly at night. That's not too far away? In the meantime, why not try and make sense of a bit of what's going on for you at the moment. I understand that feeling of loneliness, and speaking to people online isn't a solution that suits everyone. I don't know who breathing space are, but have you tried the Samaritans? X

  • Its not cold enough, ive tried several times in Oct; I know where I need to go to do it, I just need to wait until the right time. Breathing space are free, because ive run out of money. I did have a welfare rights officer, but she just sent me a letter saying she can no loinger asist me with sorting my benefits becausde of my withdrawal from the Community Mental Health team. Breathing space are similar to samaritans, but specialise in mental health. I just cant cope with it anymore, I cant do it, I know that sounds weak, but its too much, and im so terrified of being stuck like this if I dont die forever. And I dread being able to sleep because of the nightmares, and because ive not slept for so long ive started seeiing the horrible hallucinations in my house again, I jsut dont know how to cope with it other than injuring myself constantly

  • Suicidal thoughts are not a sign that you are weak, and you must never think that. They are a sign that are you are exhausted from trying so hard to feel better. I don't know much about alternatives to self harming, and anything I could think of you've probably already tried, but I do care about you and I feel sad that you are feeling so desperate just now x

  • I am sorry you are feeling so dreadful! You have clearly been traumatised, you are not a wimp but are in need of the kind of help that will enable you to overcome those traumatic experiences so please seek another kind of help. Your GP can refer you to secondary mental health services for post-trauma therapy - but only if you explain to him briefly why you did not find the community mental health team helpful, explain that id did not shift the nightmares which are the result of trauma but in fact left you feeling worse and that is why you stopped seeing them. Post-trauma therapy can enable you to overcome the nightmares and hallucinations and then you will begin to feel more normal and will be more able to use other kinds of help. You could then seek longer term explorative therapy in order to understand why you continue to self-harm. Without help you are likely to remain stuck in the nightmare, so do please seek that kind of help.


  • Emms every time you post I feel for you so much and I hope none of the admins take down what you have written as I feel it is very important that you get as much help as you possibly can at the moment as you are struggling so much and I have had very desperate feelings like you are having and I know how terrifying it must be feeling and I know too that feeling of "no way out" or that it can never change or that you can never be any different

    Emms you are a young woman in so much pain . You are obviously a very intelligent and even gifted young woman but have a terrible emotional wound you feel unable to deal with. Would it help you to write out all of your feelings; just all of it; all the things you feel you hate yourself for; just pour it all out to us; I for one would not want it taken down as long as you "lock" your post for this community only as otherwise maybe too many people who may not sympathise may see it.

    I have written all sorts of things on here when I feel desperate. I know there are rules about what we can write about methods and stuff like that because that is supposed to "trigger" people but maybe as long as you don't put swear words or put anything else we're not allowed to put like our contact information and stuff you could just write a whole long thing of ALL your feelings even if they don't make any sense at all. You could always delete it a later date if you felt embarassed by it or felt you had said too much.

    I do know about your background with Neil and I feel you are suffering from some sort of post traumatic stress; that you are sort of frozen in a state of terror.

    Also Emms Yes you are alone in one way you are alone; you feel so very very alone because you don't feel you have enough resources inside of you and that no-one can help you ; but I do believe that you can be helped and that you are doing your best to help yourself. What do you think it is that is making you want to destroy yourself all the time? Is it guilt for being alive? Is it emptyness for being on your own in life? If it either of those things i do believe that two wrongs don't make a right and that you do deserve to live Emms. Someone wrote a while back that life is meant to be happy. When you were born you did not feel like this; you didn't feel bad because babies are not bad; so it is just something you have just come to believe because something in your head has gone wrong and isn't working properly; but that doesn't mean you can't fix it

    I really care how you are feeling. To a certain extent when you post you remind me of how I am inside and that is why I want to help you so much as I know what desperation is like

    Love to you. There are people here for you Emms XXXX

    Really as far as I'm concerned I don't care how way out anything you write is on here if it will help. If you're 100% strung out just write any sentence or word or anything that comes into your head. It may help to have someone just witness that you are here and how you are struggling XX

    Gemmalouise xXXX

  • My dear emms

    I feel so v v sad reading your post and reply darling you need help please ring breathing space again is that what it's called or the Samaritan. If you are suffering this much which you truly are surely your gp social worker or CPN should be able to help I know it won't help overnight but they should be able to help you have few hours nightmare free sleep so you don't have the hallucinations. I have never experienced anything as frightening as your going through but I would imagine passing urine is no surprise when you so scared .I suffer with nightmares relating usually to pain I'm in like for insistence I have abdominal and back pain and I dream I'm giving birth without painkillers

    I'm On opiates so dreams do turn to nightmares . Please love try again to get some help please I hate it that your suffering so and I have no idea how to help except beg you to please ring again even ring 111 and get Dr out now .I have never read anything as frightening as you have written and are experiencing but it does seem to follow a circle of horrific events please break the circle RING FOR HELP ASAP .All my love squeak xx

  • I cant get at out of my head. I feel guilty because I coudlnt do anything to stop Neil going away and feel like I should have done, and because im still here. I feel guilty if I try to eat anything, or open the curtains, because he isnt here and cant eat or do anything. And if I dont keep injuring myself then I feel worse, and I feel guilty for turning into this freak, when he went away 4 years ago. Ive seen old people manage after spending decades with their husbands, and I was only with Neil for 7 years, so I feel so useless, and stupid. I still cant understand death, I thought I understood it before, but now I dont understand how I wont get to speak to him again ever, not to even say good bye, and I still feel like it was a mistake and shouldnt have happened, and sometimes I think he will come back, but then I get really confused. I cant handle the thought of not seeing him again, and it just goes round and round in my head all day every day and every night. Sometimes I dream that he has come back, but then when I wake up I feel even more terrible. And some of the hallucinations I have are getting worse again, like seeing him in my house, covered in blood and injured, then I feel like I cant breathe sometimes and have to injure myself much more. I also have let down my employers, who terminated my contract. I feel like I have let down so many people.

  • Emms I am so glad you were able to write about it and I understand completely how you are feeling. It is completely reasonable and understandable that you are feeling like this in the circumstances of what happened. Many people who experience a shocking crisis turn round and blame themselves as well as feeling so helpless and abandoned and confused and numb and"all over the place". There is no time limit such as four years to say that this SHOULD be any better; there is every reason for you to be feeling like this being the kind of person that you are ; maybe someone who is highly intelligent very sensitive and also vulnerable. It does not make you a BAD person Emms. I know you will be thinking that but you must get that out of your head.

    You are not BAD; you are a young woman in need of help. You are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder in my opinion ( though of course that is not a diagnosis as I'm not a doctor; its just an opinion)

    I do understand what you are saying about mental health services; they can make you feel guilty for seeking help. You just have to try and ignore this as I do believe there is some help out there for you. Of course you will miss appointments if you are "all over the place" or very ill.They should not punish you for this but be kind; but in the overstretched state they are in they can appear to be very cold and dismissive of people like us.

    I believe that you still want to live if only you can get to feel a little less guilty and a little less frightened. Like I've said as far as I'm concerned you can write as much as you want on here as I think that expressing yourself is what you need to do and just have someone understand and help calm you. I don't think you are able to calm yourself but that absolutely ISN'T YOUR FAULT that you can't do that. You are trying so hard not to be a burden to people; but don't you know we want you to live Emma. I want you to live because I don't feel that you are a bad person; just a person in terrible terrible pain. It can get better.

    Neil will always love you. It is terrible what happened and you can't forget but remember he will always love you and it wasn't your fault he died and it wasn't your fault that you couldn't stop that or that you let him go away. You didn't know what would happen Emms. You didn't do anything to make it happen; It just happened and it was terrible really terrible but it wasn't your fault. It really wasn't Emms.

    Love to you,

    Please persist with the services.They may not treat you that nicely I know but maybe try askingfor something specific such as a compassionate minds group; the last thing you need is to blame yourself anymore. You need compassionate people around you. If they are not like that it isn't your fault; its just their silly job descriptions and silly funding criteria and stupid stuff like that but keep pushing for what you need. You are worth it.

    Gemmalouise XXXX

  • Emms the bedwetting could be to do with the diazepam as it relaxes your muscles (and your mind to a certain extent though of course it only works short term and then it can have the opposite effect) and it could be relaxing the muscles in your bladder. I have known of people on antiphsicotics being unable to hold their urine at all and also people on diazepam having this problem ; so though it is terribly unpleasant for you maybe having an explanation will help a little and something you can maybe look at in the future and when you are ready and ONLY when you are ready reducing your medication will stop this effect.

    Also I get very bad nightmares on diazepam ( and also on zopiclone) but it is your subconscious trying to heal itself; it is horrible I know; it feels kind of surreal and very frightening; but it is all the terrible terrible anxiety you have and your mind is trying to process it and all and it comes out in the nightmares. Maybe ask about your meds again and see if anything can be done?

  • These hallucinations and thoughts sound as if you are moving towards a breakdown - please see your GP and in the meantime talk with the Samaritans who will support you whenever you need to phone them.

  • I dont have a CPN or support worker anymore, I was taken off the register when I left the hospital last in June, and I think they have just had enough of me. The social worker even told me they keep trying things, but sometimes I missed appointments, and so wasnt engaging in the services they offered. Which makes me feel even more terrible, for letting more people down. And the NHS in this area are very very stretched, and I dont want to be making more work for people, when it is just pointless.

  • Dear emms

    Now you written some more It has been made easier to see as to why you are struggling so much. You have been through so much it does n't matter how someone else would try to cope but it damn clear that you need love support kindness and knowledge from people who can help you. Your grieving in such a violent way it does matter at this time why IT MATTERS THAT YOU GET HELP IMMEDIATELY DARLING . If you don't want to talk to Dr or the social worker is on call 24/7 ,ring 111 you can show them this page honey and I know that they will help you. No one deserves to feel like you do no one please emms call who ever you trust wether the helpline,111 or Samaritans let them help you my darling

    Thinking of you and praying that you get the help that you deserve and need ASAP

    All my love Squeak xXxX

  • You moved away from the help you were offered because it was not containing the anxiety you felt, naturally then you did not engage. You needed a different kind of help.

  • Hi emms please seek immediate help as it sounds like you are at a crisis point. You need to sleep and you might need a strong sedative that only a doctor can give. You will feel a lot better after a good sleep. Is there an out of hours mental health team number you can ring to talk to? Please get help now love. A crisis like you are suffering needs intervention and immemdiately otherwise you could do yourself some serious harm. Ring up the number or if you haven't got one ring up the samaritans as they can put you in touch with someone who can help you. Please do it NOW emms - I am very concerned about you. x

    bev xx

  • Hi Emms

    Please get help immediately. Bev is right, just phone a crisis number, you need

    To be under medical care.

    No one should have to feel so alone and suffering so much, Emms you might

    Not think it now but things will improve if you phone a crisis line immediately.

    Hannah xx

  • Hello BOB here

    You say that you stopped seeing your CPN earlier this year, if this is the case you need to find somewhere safe where you will get support to calm you down. There are several ways to get this help !!. Make an appointment tomorrow with your GP, phone around 9ish and possibly you will be able to get a cancellation. If this is not possible, go down to either the A and E and explain, you feel at risk , and again they can arrange a Crisis Team to see you. If this is not possible visit a Police Station and they also can refer and make an urgent appointment with your GP who will assist in getting the support you need.

    Whatever happens do something like above to get some assistance, we all do things when depressed that seems to work against our conditions and regret what we have done. No-one will feel any worse of you for what went on in the past.

    Please at least try and get an emergency appointment with your GP, the last time I was in crisis was about two years ago and the hospital referred me back to my GP and an appointment was forthcoming the same afternoon, even if it is at the end of a surgery, they will see you

    Good Luck


  • Emms, really sorry to hear that you are suffering so much. It isn't weakness. I still miss my dad and he died about 14 years ago and it is probably only in the last year that I've started to feel that may be I can face life without him.

    Grief hits different people in different ways.

    What turned things around for me was actually falling down the stairs in the middle of the night and ending up in hospital with a broken ankle at the back end of 2012 ... but it took another 15 months after that for things to resolve. When I was in the hospital I was told that my B12 levels were low and given a set of loading shots to take home with me. It took 10 months to actually start to figure out what having low B12 meant - depression is one of the many potential problems that will develop as is psychosis - I was having some serious episodes of disassociation by the time I realised that. It took another 6 months to realise that the treatment regime I was on really wasn't working for me and to start treating myself and that is when the turn around happened. I was struggling with a lot of physical symptoms - balance problems - mood and anxiety was awful - lot of the time it was like watching someone else being hysterical and not being able to do anything about it - the balance improved within 2 weeks and in the last couple of months I've really realised how much of the depression has gone.

    Unfortunately most GPs aren't aware of conditions like B12 - my own just wanted to throw anti-depressants at me because on one level everything that I was suffering could be explained by depression - but I knew it wasn't. Left that appointment and came home to howl and then just went for it with significant amounts of B12 supplementation.

    It also doesn't help that B12 isn't something that is normally looked at when bloods are done ... and further problems come from the test that is done on the NHS not really being a good indicator - and guidelines have recently changed to treating symptoms not blood test results but that is taking a long time to work its way through the system. Mental health professionals aren't really aware of effects of B12 deficiency either though that is also starting to change, but things are slow.

    Please Emms, don't give up. 4 years isn't really very long when talking about someone who was your life. Your depression may be a symptom of something else ... and you have been through a lot dealing with the way you were treated by your former employers (have noticed the same group moving in to this area so think about you quite often and wonder how you are - just sorry to find out that things are this bad. What happened to the older friend who was supporting you for a while?

    If you want to see if B12 helps then I can recommend a nasal spray you could use - tablets may not have any affect as the problem starts with an inability to absorb the B12 through the ileum - so you need to find another way of getting it in to your system.

  • Hi Emms,

    I can't add anything to what others have put. I just wanted you to know that I had read your post and was very concerned about you. Please please reach out for some help outside of the forum. I know you've been down this road before but you are still in so much pain. It is heartbreaking.

    Sarah xxx

  • I saw my psychiatrist today, but it wasnt really helpful. They psychology team were the reason behind removing my CPN and support worker, as when I had assessments for psychotherapy, they decided talking about things could make it worse. So she is unable to re-connect me with the community mental health team. Ive just been back in my bed, cutting and cutting for hours since getting home, because now I know im alone and stuck this way until I die. Im so ashamed of myself, how I have become, and feel so guilty that I have become such an imbecile over the years since Neil went away. I really wish I had the energy to go and die, and that it was easier, because its so painful being this way, with no sleep and these thoughts over and over again all the time. I got very upset because she seemed to think the problem with Neil is that he 'saved me' in some way from my life, but I know he would hate to hear that. And that isnt what I miss him so much for. I would have rather die instead of him, if he could still be here.

  • Oh, I am sorry, you have already been assessed for psychotherapy! I did not realise that. |It is sad that they decided for you - I always think the client knows best what will help... I would expect them to adapt the therapy to you rather than you have to adapt to therapy. Clearly talking about things IS helpful to you - that is why you are writing on this website. I would suggest you ask to be referred back to the assessment team and argue with them as it is your right to have some talking therapy - the mental health legislation and philosophy is that decisions should be joint! Of course you don't have the energy, at the moment you just need some supportive therapy until you are able to begin the work of therapy - a skilled therapist should understand that. See your GP and get referred back again, never mind what you feel about seeking help or what the specialists say - talking is ALWAYS helpful if it involves talking with someone who understands how we are feeling.

  • Poor baby, sounds like you tried everything. Have you tried JESUS? Call on him and let him know what your going through. Challenge him to answer your call. The bible says we have not cause we ask not. Be blessed

  • A good idea if the person is religious, if not then the idea may make them feel more helpless...

  • I dont believe in supernatural beings be it santa / tooth fairy / any of the gods etc. In fact, its people who DO who have made my life worse.