I am new to this site. Have been suffering since my early teens. I am now 55 and in some objective ways so much better (in that I am very aware and "in the real world" rather than withdrawn) However my advancing years and the introduction of a physical pain about 12 years ago which I have done everything I can to manage ( but it still persists and I have had real problems being believed about the seriousness of it) seem to be driving me in some ways in a real way towards more desperation.
I have read some of the posts on here with amazement at the compassion people have shown. Just an observation but it seems a lot of people on here are "nicer" more compassionate than anyone I have met in real life and in contrast with posts I've seen on "normal" sites or experiences I've had with "dating sites" when I've got one word phrase answers, replied and then got nothing back, downright amazing! I know this isn't a dating site but what I am saying is that the standards of decency on here would be the standards I would wish the world to aspire to and if the world as a whole really was like the people on here then we would be living in a world which was much less cruel and I would maybe be able to form the kind of relationships I would like to make rather than being let down by people not reciprocating in decent ways. That sounds judgemental, but is meant to be a compliment and an appreciation of certain individuals on here.
My "pain problem" is pain/stiffness in my spine, neck, all done my left side. I have had two MRI's which indicated only minor disc damage. I have seen a series of people including pain management who told me twice that it was my attitude that was wrong and that if I didn't change my attitude I would end up in a wheelchair.This was outrageous treatment. I had a support worker at the time and took her along and she said it was disgraceful too but I didn't have the confidence to follow up a formal complaint. My parents have paid for me to go to chiropractor, osteopath, physio. I feel ashamed to say that at my age but it is true; i have no real money of my own. They treated me weird too. One suggested i had had some sort of "childhood trauma" which i wasn't revealing, another said I had two slipped discs but then refused to treat me further when i said the pain was getting worse. I don't always understand why people treat me weirdly and it makes me feel very uncertain. What am I doing wrong? Is there something very much wrong with me which I don't know about? I do four exercise classes of (two yoga two pilates) every week, I swim when I can or do stretching in the pool or at home. I walk, have tried painkillers but they make me feel "more weird" mentally. It is not "acute" but it limits me constantly. I have more or less been dismissed and sometimes this makes me feel like I am going crazy when I know I am not and it is real but so many people think I am exaggerating it when I am not. I have looked on "sister" websites and found some help with this in that there are other people who are not diagnosed with mental health problems who have had the same response. I always thought it was because I have been diagnosed with depression all my life and feel "blamed" and inadequate for this that this response was also because of this.
Onto my mental health problems and my life circumstances and what I would seek from here.
I am 55, never been married, never had children, I live alone and am basically on my own a lot of the time due to my state of my mind being so "down" on where most people are at. I feel I can only "inflict" so much and 95% of the time I pretend where I can as I know it is too much for people to know how desperate I feel and there is nothing they can do.
I go to the yoga classes, I am also learning sign language and support a Deaf couple as a volunteer although I am not Deaf myself. Never "worked" as such; just do around two hours a week when I am up to it but get terribly nervous about going and that can sometimes feel suicidal nerves. Have had some additional stress with ESA which I feel has really exascerbated my condition massively as it creates constant uncertainty for people and uncertainty seems to be a big trigger for me.
I have had almost a continual flow of counselling since 18 and feel very guilty about this as I can see that how come they've given me all this therapy and yet essentially in so many ways I still feel the same or worse? Like I say objectively I would say I am more aware of reality but subjectively I am suffering so much; it is almost completely unbearable. I have been seriously suicidal for most of the past 6 weeks although I have days when i am not. I have been "on and off" like this for about 45 years but I think in the past i have tried to escape by "getting involved" with someone. These people all seemed to have massive problems so what started off as support for me ended up causing me more problems than they were worth. When I say "involved" I wasn't always intimately involved; it may have just been someone i could phone several times a day as everything seems to make me feel uncertain and confused. I still get like this. I literally feel at weekend like I have to "survive" the day. I am "using" my mum in a way for this now. She is 87 and you may say it is very selfish of me but I am so desperate and I do not want to die. It is ironic in that I have decided in the past ten years or so that she had a lot to do with my problems. I believe now that she has "narcisstic personality disorder" and she fits all the descriptions and criteria i have read about and it does explain this negativity i have to myself as there is only room for one big ego the other has to be insignificant if you see what i mean? Some will say this is very judgemental of me but it has helped me understand how she is, although nothing is black and white. Like I say I am phoning her for daily support now to try and keep alive. I hate feeling like this and feel weak that despite all the interventions I cannot "cope on my own two feet". I also worry constantly about what people think of me and "how weird" I am and am wondering what some of you may be thinking now about this very long overanalytical message.
I have put in quite a lot of effort trying to make friends and people see me as nice and sweet (as I control the "weird" side to all but professionals) but in reality i am very isolated. I know I am very good looking and look young for my age and would be seen as "generally very personable" (although I am pretending as I feel suicidal) It is too much for example to think of someone coming round here just for a normal meal. I am unable to make normal chat as I am so distressed and suicidal. Everything I have looked up here helps, but if my problem is indeed depression due to thinking it was wrong for me to need attention as a child and unmet need in that my parents because of their own limitations were unable to support me to grow, then where do i go from here? I do not even know if it is that. I just feel lacking in a part of me that I need. I have on two occasions had it suggested I have borderline personality but I find that label objectionable as i connect that with people who have anger issues and people who manipulate. From time to time however I "beat myself up" with the idea that I "might" be borderline and how terrible that would make me. I already feel terrible about myself and that would make me feel like a complete failure so I resist it. To me it would make me worthless as an individual as nothing i say could be taken seriously because i am just hysterical. In general I understate everything to other people and only "reach out" when I am completely desperate and then I am always careful to reassure and not to worry people. My mum has said she would not condemn me if I do decide to end it all and in a way that feels like a comfort in that it would relieve some of the guilt. However as the one website says not many people really want to die its just that their resources to deal with the pain are inadequate to the pain. Of course I don't want to die, I want to feel better. If there was a safe option to die I would consider it but I am not sure if I am allowed to say that here. I mean if there was a failsafe painless method like being put to sleep. But of course I would rather try and feel better, although at 55 and still feeling the same how realistic is that? Please forgive me I am new so if I'm not allowed to say that then i apologise and please remove but please don't ban me as i am only making a genuine mistake.
I am on citalopram 40mg and zopiclone. I have never seriously thought about this before but actually I have never expected my antidepressants to cure my depression and I just take them as "routine". Zopiclone is "my treat"; my knock out for the night which means I don't have to be awake and experiencing this pain. I believe i would be dead or more of a problem to people without zopiclone. Probably dead. I also take diazepam occasionally and again for me this has definately been a life saver but I only take 5 mg roughly once a month as i know of its addictive qualities.
I have started feeling more and more that I am running out of options. I see the counselling as a marker in my week that I am still alive. I don't like being a trouble to people or worrying them so I always say to people that I will not kill myself and I will not yet as I still keep hoping that I can improve. I am good looking, look very young for my age, petite and I think people who meet me think I'm a nice sweet person. I have been described as "calm" many times even when I'm suicidal.
Then the psychiatric profession know about this "other side of me" which is the real me well the emotional me but I control that very much. In myself I feel constantly panicky, constantly afraid that I don't have a connection. I know if I contact mental health too much they cannot really help anyway. I can change from this and distract myself and then I don't want to know about how I felt before as my distraction technique has worked.
You know this post is going on too long. I just want to say some of the things that have really helped me reading and also is there anyone wants to make "message friends" on here? I would like to talk with some decent people who understand depression and we can support each other. I live in the West Midlands area so can travel within a couple of hours if it were to come to meeting up.
I am really scared of getting no replies, so please do reply to me. Also do people private message and are they allowed to meet up where appropriate?