I am new to this site. Have been suffering since my early teens. I am now 55 and in some objective ways so much better (in that I am very aware and "in the real world" rather than withdrawn) However my advancing years and the introduction of a physical pain about 12 years ago which I have done everything I can to manage ( but it still persists and I have had real problems being believed about the seriousness of it) seem to be driving me in some ways in a real way towards more desperation.
I have read some of the posts on here with amazement at the compassion people have shown. Just an observation but it seems a lot of people on here are "nicer" more compassionate than anyone I have met in real life and in contrast with posts I've seen on "normal" sites or experiences I've had with "dating sites" when I've got one word phrase answers, replied and then got nothing back, downright amazing! I know this isn't a dating site but what I am saying is that the standards of decency on here would be the standards I would wish the world to aspire to and if the world as a whole really was like the people on here then we would be living in a world which was much less cruel and I would maybe be able to form the kind of relationships I would like to make rather than being let down by people not reciprocating in decent ways. That sounds judgemental, but is meant to be a compliment and an appreciation of certain individuals on here.
My "pain problem" is pain/stiffness in my spine, neck, all done my left side. I have had two MRI's which indicated only minor disc damage. I have seen a series of people including pain management who told me twice that it was my attitude that was wrong and that if I didn't change my attitude I would end up in a wheelchair.This was outrageous treatment. I had a support worker at the time and took her along and she said it was disgraceful too but I didn't have the confidence to follow up a formal complaint. My parents have paid for me to go to chiropractor, osteopath, physio. I feel ashamed to say that at my age but it is true; i have no real money of my own. They treated me weird too. One suggested i had had some sort of "childhood trauma" which i wasn't revealing, another said I had two slipped discs but then refused to treat me further when i said the pain was getting worse. I don't always understand why people treat me weirdly and it makes me feel very uncertain. What am I doing wrong? Is there something very much wrong with me which I don't know about? I do four exercise classes of (two yoga two pilates) every week, I swim when I can or do stretching in the pool or at home. I walk, have tried painkillers but they make me feel "more weird" mentally. It is not "acute" but it limits me constantly. I have more or less been dismissed and sometimes this makes me feel like I am going crazy when I know I am not and it is real but so many people think I am exaggerating it when I am not. I have looked on "sister" websites and found some help with this in that there are other people who are not diagnosed with mental health problems who have had the same response. I always thought it was because I have been diagnosed with depression all my life and feel "blamed" and inadequate for this that this response was also because of this.
Onto my mental health problems and my life circumstances and what I would seek from here.
I am 55, never been married, never had children, I live alone and am basically on my own a lot of the time due to my state of my mind being so "down" on where most people are at. I feel I can only "inflict" so much and 95% of the time I pretend where I can as I know it is too much for people to know how desperate I feel and there is nothing they can do.
I go to the yoga classes, I am also learning sign language and support a Deaf couple as a volunteer although I am not Deaf myself. Never "worked" as such; just do around two hours a week when I am up to it but get terribly nervous about going and that can sometimes feel suicidal nerves. Have had some additional stress with ESA which I feel has really exascerbated my condition massively as it creates constant uncertainty for people and uncertainty seems to be a big trigger for me.
I have had almost a continual flow of counselling since 18 and feel very guilty about this as I can see that how come they've given me all this therapy and yet essentially in so many ways I still feel the same or worse? Like I say objectively I would say I am more aware of reality but subjectively I am suffering so much; it is almost completely unbearable. I have been seriously suicidal for most of the past 6 weeks although I have days when i am not. I have been "on and off" like this for about 45 years but I think in the past i have tried to escape by "getting involved" with someone. These people all seemed to have massive problems so what started off as support for me ended up causing me more problems than they were worth. When I say "involved" I wasn't always intimately involved; it may have just been someone i could phone several times a day as everything seems to make me feel uncertain and confused. I still get like this. I literally feel at weekend like I have to "survive" the day. I am "using" my mum in a way for this now. She is 87 and you may say it is very selfish of me but I am so desperate and I do not want to die. It is ironic in that I have decided in the past ten years or so that she had a lot to do with my problems. I believe now that she has "narcisstic personality disorder" and she fits all the descriptions and criteria i have read about and it does explain this negativity i have to myself as there is only room for one big ego the other has to be insignificant if you see what i mean? Some will say this is very judgemental of me but it has helped me understand how she is, although nothing is black and white. Like I say I am phoning her for daily support now to try and keep alive. I hate feeling like this and feel weak that despite all the interventions I cannot "cope on my own two feet". I also worry constantly about what people think of me and "how weird" I am and am wondering what some of you may be thinking now about this very long overanalytical message.
I have put in quite a lot of effort trying to make friends and people see me as nice and sweet (as I control the "weird" side to all but professionals) but in reality i am very isolated. I know I am very good looking and look young for my age and would be seen as "generally very personable" (although I am pretending as I feel suicidal) It is too much for example to think of someone coming round here just for a normal meal. I am unable to make normal chat as I am so distressed and suicidal. Everything I have looked up here helps, but if my problem is indeed depression due to thinking it was wrong for me to need attention as a child and unmet need in that my parents because of their own limitations were unable to support me to grow, then where do i go from here? I do not even know if it is that. I just feel lacking in a part of me that I need. I have on two occasions had it suggested I have borderline personality but I find that label objectionable as i connect that with people who have anger issues and people who manipulate. From time to time however I "beat myself up" with the idea that I "might" be borderline and how terrible that would make me. I already feel terrible about myself and that would make me feel like a complete failure so I resist it. To me it would make me worthless as an individual as nothing i say could be taken seriously because i am just hysterical. In general I understate everything to other people and only "reach out" when I am completely desperate and then I am always careful to reassure and not to worry people. My mum has said she would not condemn me if I do decide to end it all and in a way that feels like a comfort in that it would relieve some of the guilt. However as the one website says not many people really want to die its just that their resources to deal with the pain are inadequate to the pain. Of course I don't want to die, I want to feel better. If there was a safe option to die I would consider it but I am not sure if I am allowed to say that here. I mean if there was a failsafe painless method like being put to sleep. But of course I would rather try and feel better, although at 55 and still feeling the same how realistic is that? Please forgive me I am new so if I'm not allowed to say that then i apologise and please remove but please don't ban me as i am only making a genuine mistake.
I am on citalopram 40mg and zopiclone. I have never seriously thought about this before but actually I have never expected my antidepressants to cure my depression and I just take them as "routine". Zopiclone is "my treat"; my knock out for the night which means I don't have to be awake and experiencing this pain. I believe i would be dead or more of a problem to people without zopiclone. Probably dead. I also take diazepam occasionally and again for me this has definately been a life saver but I only take 5 mg roughly once a month as i know of its addictive qualities.
I have started feeling more and more that I am running out of options. I see the counselling as a marker in my week that I am still alive. I don't like being a trouble to people or worrying them so I always say to people that I will not kill myself and I will not yet as I still keep hoping that I can improve. I am good looking, look very young for my age, petite and I think people who meet me think I'm a nice sweet person. I have been described as "calm" many times even when I'm suicidal.
Then the psychiatric profession know about this "other side of me" which is the real me well the emotional me but I control that very much. In myself I feel constantly panicky, constantly afraid that I don't have a connection. I know if I contact mental health too much they cannot really help anyway. I can change from this and distract myself and then I don't want to know about how I felt before as my distraction technique has worked.
You know this post is going on too long. I just want to say some of the things that have really helped me reading and also is there anyone wants to make "message friends" on here? I would like to talk with some decent people who understand depression and we can support each other. I live in the West Midlands area so can travel within a couple of hours if it were to come to meeting up.
I am really scared of getting no replies, so please do reply to me. Also do people private message and are they allowed to meet up where appropriate?
Many thanks
Gemmalouise
Written by
Stilltrying_
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So sorry for your pains, and associated life problems. Initially I will give you two sites that you can contact as they will be able to give support for your Pain and Arthritis. Both sites allow you to discuss your associated problems in a different manner to this site
They are PAIN CONCERN, and NRAS, Both of these sites can be found on the Index of Healthunlocked. I deal personally on the three sites, also you will be able to discuss your problems, Arthritis and Pain in a area associated with those complaints.
Here I will be able to give support with your Mental Health. as will all members on this site.
Stilltrying, I would like to go through your script a little more as it is quite an essay, I have contacted you here because I am concerned regarding your Mental Health so I would like to read through again and try and break up your conditions as all seems complicated.
These three sites will give support, assistance, and you will pick up coping skills etc
You need to understand we are not GP s,or CPNs etc we are normal people who are drawn together to make our conditions a better place and fulfil our life choices.
Later today I will pick up on this page and will try and assist, so I will have more time to give a response to above
I WILL ANSWER, YOUR MAIL
All the best
BOB
Hi Gemmalouise...First you don't sound seriously weird! You sound lost...a bit belong less and those two things do not make a human being weird - just lonely. There are countless folk out here in the ether of life who feel similar to how you have said you feel and who have remarkably similar life histories too. We just don't fit into to the molds which are perceived by the multitudes as their "normal". I have always found it amusing that countless numbers of us spend our lives beating ourselves to death as we try to find the elusive "club entrance door".... the thing is, if we did find that elusive door and went through it we would probably feel remarkably uncomfortable with the company we would find...like joining a different tribe, I think. Some of us are super sensitive; deeply analytical and have never felt right trekking down the barren roads of the perceived "normal" I think we should actually celebrate ourselves and know that we are unique. Have you thought of keeping a detailed, in depth journal of your thoughts and feelings? I find it a relaxing place to offload my inner thoughts and feelings...to chat to an invisible friend morning and night about my observations of this life we love. It helps, believe it or not, with levels of pain too.... my own pain (physical and emotionial) causes me to feel angry and to search for "blame areas" to pin my anger on...when I am hurting I get the Journal out and write, write, write! I write the anger away sometimes and often knacker myself doing it! Who cares though? I embrace my darkness as well as my light....I bathe in the light when it joins me and wallow in the darkness if it demands attention...I am me. Gemmalouise, you are YOU. We are surrounded by twerps (especially in the medical profession) and although they chose a path which is designed to help people with pain, dis-ease in their lives and to mend broken bodies, they often don't have the time to address the complicated inner selves of us all and then we feel abandoned...they also don't have all the answers to the reasons why some of us are afflicted with unusual maladies (which wreck our lives) and often all they can offer is a pill and another check back appointment and the dark side of ourselves hates them for it... (and I tell Journal that too!). Try to drop the seriously weird label you have given yourself and try seriously unique instead, my friend. Imlike wearing my own label much better...it makes me feel prettier and much more special...and sod what the multitudes might be thinking. Who cares? They have their thoughts and you have yours. Buy yourself a really nice looking Journal and a really nice pen (make it a gift to yourself) and make friends with it....you will be surprised what your subconscious is willing to share with a friend who offers only unconditional,love and attention. Good Luck on your life journey Gemmaloise and please give YOU a break. XXXX
Hi
You don't sound weird to me - but you do sound as if you have never really felt fully known and understood by anyone who you could rely upon to give you back a sense of yourself as who you are. You say your mother has a narcissistic personality disorder and that will leave you knowing that about your mother but her not knowing you - not really at a deep level and not when you needed it - in infancy and childhood - in order to give you a core sense of self as being healthy and strong, though it seems to me you are both of those!
You say you used to withdraw and keep to yourself but that now you are healthier in the world - which is great - but feel you have to hold back so as not to inflict others - I presume you mean burden them? - with who you really are and what you really feel. It seems you have never been able to take those feelings fully to someone who can put into words for you how very lonely and desperate they have made you feel for much of your life. There is nothing wrong with you for having the feelings, they are a natural response to unmet emotional needs, but they have caused you a lot of harm in that they have interfered with your ability to live your life fully, to choose whether to marry and have children, etc and that is a traumatic so perhaps that is what the health professional meant when they talked about childhood trauma. I do not think from what you have written that you have necessarily any particular trauma that is hidden, but being unrecognised as an infant and child does result in trauma once you have realised what is missing because it is traumatic not to have met our basic need for recognition as a person with a need for love. I had similar experiences in childhood but had a breakdown at 11 and as a result knew what was missing and was able to take myself into psychodynamic therapy - it has never solved the problem fully and never can - you cannot get now what you needed in the past - but like you, it has made me much healthier in relation to the world and enables me to feel love and loved at times, as well as still feeling grief and anger at what was missing and the effects of that upon my life.
You do not mention anger, but given the difficulties you have experienced for most of your life I would have thought anger at the injustice of that situation was a natural response - you do say that you tell people you would never commit suicide - perhaps you need them to believe that as a safety net to protect you from the fear of what would happen if you told them how desperate you do really feel. You are right, in that suicide is a stupid option because it is simply saying I've had enough and forgetting that life can also hold good things however painful the past has been. I wonder is there anything you do really enjoy, things you enjoy doing, or ways in which you can feel happy? I LOVE some kinds of music and almost always they can bring me out of feeling at my lowest, when music doesn't work I realise how desperate I am feeling and seek help from here or if really bad from the Samaritans until I feel better. Often I find having someone who DOES know how I am feeling, who understands and accepts the feelings, brings about a shift and gradually I am able to accept things just being as they are. We cannot change our past, just live now while we are here and as we actually are, depressed or not.
You may need the comfort of being with someone who is able to tolerate the extent of your desperation and you would be able to find such a person within the private sector - through working with a UKCP registered psychodynamic therapist - but within the NHS you are unlikely to get the help you need because the NHS is geared towards making people better whereas you need someone who you can learn to trust enough to let them bear to stay with not making you better and tolerate the anger you would in time, with trust, feel towards them for that.
Hi to all who have replied so far. I am still not entirely sure of etiquette so I have filled in "Reply" at the bottom of the three replies which i have received so far. Not sure if that is right or if I need to reply to each one individually?Thank you Bob; I will look forward to hearing some more from you later. Thank you also PD7979 for your lovely and unique contribution ; I will take your suggestions on board. Thank you so much also Sue. I have read your posts previously and think you really "get" so much and are very insightful.I will consider all the options. I was referred for psychodynamic therapy but I found the approach and the therapist very cold. (eg not aknowleding me at the beginning of the session unless I aknowledged her first and then only in a very "cursory" way ie a nod rather than a genuine warm "hello". She seemed very defensive which puts me on edge as I am very open. I only had three assessment sessions and then she wrote a summary, a lot of which I felt was inaccurate; suggesting for example that I suffered a "narcissistic wound" if people were not entirely dependent on me. That word grated on me as I consider my mum to be narcissistic and I do not view myself as co-dependent entirely either although there have been elements of that in some of my past relationships (I will not fall into that trap again). She has suggested I join a group for people who are borderline but I am not completely happy about that as I find it too much to consider that I am borderline; I don't want to accept it. So fighting myself all the time ! On the one hand I'm saying please believe me I am not this or that (eg borderline or "making up my pain", and on the other hand I am going over and over the idea in my head that I might be and how bad that makes me! I do have an idea there is some horrible uncomfortable truth about me but I believe that truth to be merely that I am "undeveloped" emotionally and only in so much as has been suggested I never had anybody to accept and reflect back to me fully who I am or see me as more than "just a part" they could refer to and draw on for their own needs.
I know I'm overanalytical but how bad does that make me?? ie I beat myself up and see being like this as terrible, but really how terrible is it??!!
Bob thanks for the suggestions of the other sites. I do feel that what has really exaserbated my sense of desperation is this continued physical pain without a definite diagnosis and the expected sort of understanding that would come from that. I am limited in terms of my flexibility; that is obvious when I go to a class so obviously there is a very real physical aspect. I feel that I am constantly doing all I can to "hold it at bay" by for example exercising (which definately helps) and not sitting or standing still too much but even so it is a constant battle every day and sometimes I just get very disheartened. I genuinely could not work but still I worry that people just don't believe just how bad this condition is. I am probably being rather oversensitive about some people out there who have been dismissive and because of my own insecurity about myself decided to bat it round in my own head all the time how "real" it is; whereas I know completely it is real and Thank you for believing me. The pain is constantly draining.
PD7979 it is lovely to hear that you are just you and I like the idea of being "unique". However I would love someone to appreciate me in my uniqueness and that is part of where my desperation comes in as well; as if i am unique and i am making efforts to mix how come I don't meet more unique people or "that one" who will just "get " me. I do feel that I need other people and would love a "close other". I don't really want to be on my own all my life. My mother has a lot of friends and everyone is always talking about her and fulfilling her needs, and yet I feel that in some ways she is "more disturbed" than me but has never questioned herself or doubted herself or "paid a price" like I am doing. My father is 90 and I would describe him as very "undeveloped" but not like myself. He is rather childlike and as long as his immediate needs are met he is fine; but unlike me he just does not suffer. You may think that I am not qualified to say that but I'm sure he would say that himself. He is very content but is also very undeveloped and in a sort of "carapace" and unable to extend himself much to others and tends to be quite petty. Really truly I am not knocking him for that; that is just how he is. He cannot understand depression at all and his answer if i mention it is to "forget about it". I know they have both done their best though and I am well into adulthood yet still banging on about them as i have not moved far enough beyond.
I know the saying you have to love yourself before anyone else will. I think i need to go in the direction of "having another go" over this back pain and having it recognised at least and also it would be lovely to make some regular friends on here if any of you would like to keep writing or any more would like to write to me.
Do people on here ever meet up? It would seem like a reasonable thing to do when people are in the same boat.
Sorry, another long post. I do tend to write "essays" (imagine what my mind is like!) It will probably calm down in future once i have sent my initial "SOS"'s out. Would like like I say some regular people to message if anyone would consider that for the future? Please let me know.
I think you have a high level of accurate insight and it takes courage to be looking at how you are feeling and why you feel that way. Like you I also found and still find it difficult to accept a diagnosis or label as it raises even more pain and anger because of course it is unfair, but gradually I am realising that the label is just a convenient way of expressing a pattern of feelings and behaviours and where they come from, it does not make us in any way bad. In fact what it means is that we have had to cope without the support we needed at a time we needed it and as a result that leaves us with what is termed 'wounds' ie areas of our personality where we are vulnerable. Alongside those areas we can also have great strengths as you clearly have. Like you I had narcissistic parents who did not meet my need for recognition but I am also a trained therapist - there is no shame in having narcisstic wounds, in fact the most helpful mental health workers recognise that there own wounds are what enables them to understand others.
I agree, psychodynamic therapists can seem cold on the surface, the way some therapists practice does not allow for adjusting to the patients sensitively in order to enable them to feel secure in the therapy and it sounds as if you were unfortunate enough to find yourself in that situation. You do not say whether it was NHS or private therapy. I have tried both and found private therapy more helpful in the long term than NHS which is aimed at removing symptoms more than enabling working through of the causes although that distinction is not always as extreme. If you have sufficient money then I would still suggest you seek psychodynamic therapy but choose someone who works in a way that enables you to trust and feel understood rather than the more blank stance of some analytic therapists. As for you being 'too analytic' perhaps you mean that you try to understand yourself and that gets in the way of your allowing yourself to become dependant upon other people's understanding - if so, I think that would change if you were working with someone who you felt DID understand your needs accurately and responded sensitively to them. Since you already know what was missing in your past and how it leaves you feeling what you need now is someone who is able to provide something to replace in part what was missing - we cannot change the past and no-one can ever mother you the way you needed as an infant and child, but they can understand the infant and child in you and enable those parts of you to feel recognised, understood and cared about.
You may well be accurate about your mother being more disturbed than you in a deeper way, often people who seem to have everyone running around responding to their needs is somewhat manically avoiding the feelings relating to that not happening, in other words they are driven to seem normal in order to avoid feeling depressed or psychologically ill. I do think it is true that being in touch with those feelings can be healthier, but only when they are worked through and no longer interfere with being able to live a full life and form a loving intimate relationship. None of us are perfect, we all have our areas of vulnerability and our defences, so rather than question who is healthier why not think of your mother as having her way of coping and you having yours. I believe yours is the richer way emotionally because you are sharing honestly how you feel whereas I doubt from what you say whether your mother would be able to do that. In that respect you are probably healthier than her so do have self-respect about that and stop beating yourself up!!
As for meeting up, most people on the site seem to value the privacy of people being more anonymous, but I have found that as people become more in touch with the causes of their feelings they feel more comfortable with the idea of being known by people in everyday life. It's hard to think of meeting up because people come from all over the country, but from what you say you would like to meet other people who have had similar experiences - have you thought of asking to join an analytic GROUP? I don't particularly enjoy groups but they can be the best way of coming to understand the normality of having difficult feelings.
Hello Sue, thank you so much for this detailed (in a very good way!) and most interesting reply to my post. As I've just said to someone else on here I have been a bit tied up with other stuff this evening and my energy levels at the moment cannot do full justice to your own post in my reply. However I will reply in more detail to you soon. I really appreciate all of your comments and your care
I think I will make a new post as it is the weekend now and I have more questions I want to ask people's advice about.
Hello BOB here
When you were a child, I gather you were suffering from the same form of need that did not surface, you have seemed to have suffered all of this negativity from then it must have been a problem for you, I should imagine your parents must have felt concern regarding this, when you are talking to people do you need to turn your face away from them, you cannot understand where that person is coming from, you become annoyed when people give their point of view.
Then you find that you are not understood, this will annoy you.
This all sounds like it has been going on for a while, forgive for asking what have Mental Health been treating you for for so long. Autism ??
You are saying you are having joint problems you say the Specialist treat you without respect they think you are weird, why do you think that, you are a Patient that has problems with their health they need to treat with respect no-one has the right to say or infer that, Why do you call yourself weird you are reinforcing that feeling in your own mind. The most important thIng you must understand if someone treats you with disrespect they are not treating you with the respect you deserve again no-one should treat you any other way.
Your life must be very lonely because you seem to be working on the understanding that no-one understands everyone is has ulterior motives, it is all my fault I am guilty, no you are not it is them who have the problems
You are looking at your Mother has also a narsissic condition, where does this come from, she seems to be giving support with Private treatments for your back etc. What sort of relationship did you have with your parents. Have you a brother or sister you can call on to give support? Throughout life we all need that support and love to carry on through life,
You sound an independent lady who knows her mind sadly it would seem people are not allowing you to prove yourself. this is very wrong you have the same feelings and expectations as all of us . Sometimes we are not allowed to run with your ideas. One thing I feel is you understand quite well that people are more mixed up than you, this should assist in giving you a stronger more independent life that many people would wish for.
One thing you really need to understand is that suicide is never the easy way out, I tried several years ago, like you I felt my options in life were coming to an end, all it did in my case allowed me a fast ride into the hospital and a ticking of. My wife now cannot trust me with my medications, She orders them, sorts them and dispenses them, She no longer trusts me because she loves me, She feels guilty because now She feels She was responsible. This was not the case.
One thing we did do was make something positive out of a negative situation we now have our country cottage, my Wife has a large garden with a Collie dog that runs around the place making everyone dizzy.
Suicide never works, look for something you have always wanted, search hard and well. In such uncertain times reach out and grasp your happiness, negativity will soon become a thing of the past.
You seem to be an extremely intelligent person who has a lot to live for. Please become more positive in your outlook the world has a great deal to offer you, there is no need to take that final sanction.
Look for that wish no matter how small.
We have a next door neighbour here in the countryside, He moved up from London, He has Autism, He is now living His dream Now he has a Staffy rents a cottage and is living His dream and loves it. His CPN is dropping the number of times She visits him, He uses public Transport and they pick him up and drops him off they actually wait for him in the morning He now travels around the County. Life is for living please do not let anyone tell you anything else, realize that and you will have it made
Thank you Bob for taking the time to think of me and to write this. My usual diagnosis is "clinical depression". Thank you for sharing your experience of attempting suicide. I have read about this before when i was looking yesterday on the site, you had mentioned it to someone else. That is why i don't want to start down that route or "attempt" it. If i were ever to finish it at the moment it would have to be something clinical and completely foolproof administered by a doctor but i am aware that that is not legal in this country and so not sure how much we are allowed to discuss on here. I am soldiering on and appreciate everyone's comments and hope that we can all keep communicating and helping each other. I do feel i need more support as have not really managed to build that up and so really value the comments on here.
Over the years I have been in chronic pain and have suffered Reactive Depression. If you feel like you want a chat, just to lift your mood come back here always around for a chat if that would help you, Sadly I feel you have been drawn through the mill. This site will give support.
With regards RA, again you will get response there and we will give you support and possible ideas on different ways and treatments.
If you also need a chat on the pain Concern site, again a great deal of support there can be given
Thank you Hannah. Please do all keep in touch as I'm sure after this initial rush of responses (for which I am most grateful) it may go quiet for a while. I am looking for friends on here. As you can see just changed my profile picture to a more individual one. Gem
hi noticed you mentioned a painful back, from what I understand anti-inflammitory meds including asprin can stop many anti-depressants from working so well, it can be an ackward situation.
I wonder if the whole concept of ''normal is a bit of a myth in our society. The more I get to know people the more I realise how ''un-normal'' most people are, It sounds rather corny I know, but perhaps we should aim to be the best we can, rather than be made to feel rubbish because we do not fit into a mythical ''norm'' So much energy can be put into trying to put on a mask while avoiding showing a weak side that it can be draining, it can be quite liberating to just let it all show.
Being taken seriously for physical problems that are difficult to find a cause for is a challenge. I'm sure you have done quite a bit of research into possible causes, and the frustration must be a real emotional trigger. Not sure if you have been able to get any second opinions on that issue, or have a local chronic pain clinic.
Great that you get involved with regular classes, having the chance to meet up with the same people each week gives a chance to talk a little about the good and bad of life., same thing will go for other volunteering or part time work .
Please don't beat yourself up for being the person that you are, oftentimes other people are better at accepting us than we are at accepting ourselves.
Thank you gardengnome. I really appreciate your response. I think I worry very much what people think of me and what is the right and wrong thing to say.
I can change between weekdays and weekends and often at weekends i just feel like a part of me (the rational part) that can modify my experiences is missing and I just feel terribly terribly low and panicky and like something is seriously missing. I feel I am being very annoying when i feel like that as i feel weak and unable to sustain myself. I really try to manage it by having things in place all the time to do but just trying to find things is exhausting when i am also very depressed and am very limited in what I can do. For example even a trip to the supermarket i have to rush round in about 5 minutes or i would come out with nothing. I get a very bizarre feeling when trying to concentrate for example on choosing between different foods. I try and keep things as simple as possible (ready meals) and reduce stress as much as possible as any sort of stress such as trying to find a piece of paper can make me feel completely overwhelmed. I think the physical pain has a lot to do with this. I am still trying to get over how nice and genuine people are on here (it is lovely) I have tried to make friends many times locally and find that it is me putting in the effort all the time. It is lovely to be able to be open on here about how I am feeling.
One thing I have decided is to tackle the pain issue again when i go to see my psychiatrist next week and see if there is anything she can refer me to (better than going to the doctor in the first instance i think as the psychiatrist has more time) although in reality I know there is not much more they can do. I want an answer to what it is and maybe there just isn't one. Also I am going to target my efforts towards making friends in more productive places. I found online dating very distressing and it brought out all my insecurities about "how to present myself " etc. It seemed like most people were not on my wavelength at all and I am not good at light flirty banter and insecurity over whether they will respond or not.
I know that making friends and finding that someone special takes a very long time. I have lots of "surface" contact with individuals but in reality they do not know much about me. The depression can make it difficult as sometimes it is hard not to be consumed by it and I know that people that don't suffer in that way have not experienced these feelings and so don't know what to say. I do try and keep it light with them but then i get stuck in that they don't really know me. I have recently met one friend on my sign language course who has mental health problem as well. She is married and a lot of her time is rightly taken up with her husband but we do meet and practice weekly and I have told her a little of my life and she is accepting, as I am of her, so that is a small start.
do ask about pain clinics, though they might need a referal from the g.p. Keeping life simple can help you through a bad time, but avoiding stress can stop us from practising the skills needed to tackle the strife that life sends, Challenging yourself with stress on less important things might make you feel more confident in facing regular stress. A challenge each day perhaps......
i'm new too. isnt it a relief to get recognition not blame?
u r not weird, u r honest. u love ur parents warts n all. that is real love.
my late husband suffered severe back pain, he broke his back, underwent a spinal fusion n had the same dismissive n uninterested response as you. we came across an amazing gel, glucosamine gold gel, by snowden health care and it was amazingly effective. he hated tramadol etc n everyone i've reccomended it too benefited enormously.
i also try to hide 'me' wat right do i have to bring others down? misery loves company, n i dont want to infect them. but on here, we have it already n help each other so much. i think we are normal, n i also found, wen i was brave enuf to b honest, that so many of us want to release themselves from the corset of modern life, n like me, they are hiding too.
if u want to inbox me, i'd b glad to chat. we can offload on each other n realise how normal we really are! lol! intelligence n insight can b a burden, but i wudnt b without it, even tho, wen my reserves r low, it comes close to finishin me off. as my husband wrote in one of his songs 'crucify me if i recall, moments in my life, its all because of my desire to see thru tear stained eyes' well u wont get crucifyed on here, we'll help u off the cross. only posted yesterday, feel so much better already
i kno i'm impulsive n like n dislike on a heartbeat, but i feel so much warmth n goodwill towards the people on here. i feel accepted n understood n that is so valuable to a tribal entity like mankind. bein part of summat, bein accepted as 'yeah, normal moosh, shurrup' is lovely, n bein able to explain how our loved ones have bin part of our pain without havin to betray them, cos u kno the brief snapshot u can show isnt enuf, n u dont want them judged or blamed, is a release too.
i bin told to write on here bout wats gone on in my life n i think i will, but even anonymously, i wud still b openin me up to the slings n arrows, n more importantly my late husband, so still reluctant, but so preferable over doin it to a counsellor. hell u think u ramble? hope my disjointed ramblin makes u realise how amazingly rational n organised u r!
Thank you Phoenix27. I agree that it is most unusual and uplifting to get recognition instead of blame. It is amazing. It seems there are some insightful and kind people on here which is what "people like us" need. I read some of your posts and responses yesterday as i looked through the site. I will look into the glucosamine gold gel and give it a try. Many thanks Gem
Thoughts of death are quite a normal response to extreme stress - I've had 'normal's share times when they were distressed and found themselves confronted by a wish to be dead or to kill themselves. However, it can go horribly wrong - for 'normals' it seems to shock them back to reality but for some of us it just starts of a spiral of thoughts because the thought itself gets us stressed so we get another thought of death to calm/shock us out of things which just makes us stressed and ... there are times when the brain really can be so stupid
I'm early 50s and have suffered depression since I was teens at least. One thing that really helped me this year was looking at Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy - book called Mindfulness: a guide to finding peace in a frantic world by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. For me it brought together a lot of things and I actually feel I can cope and possibly that I'm enjoying being alive for the first time in a very long time ... though I wouldn't like to jinx that
You might also find 'Healing Emotions: Conversations with the Dalai Lama on Mindfulness, Emotions and Health' Edited by Daniel Goleman interesting - looks at the use of meditation in helping some sufferers from chronic pain so may be mindfulness could help with that as well.
Thank you so much for your friendly message the insights and the advice; all very much appreciated. I have just ordered the book; it looks potentially very helpful to me. I will let you know how I get on with it I have left the second one for now but may come back to it once I have fully absorbed and worked on the first one.
Hey there, it's so nice to meet you. Anything I could possibly say will have been said already in one of the many replies you've had, but I just wanted to add that you're not weird. Well no weirder than the rest of us anyway! This is a lovely forum full of really friendly people and I'm sure you'll have a lovely time getting to know everyone. I don't post as much as I'd like to, because I lead a bit of a hectic life, but I try to log in at least once a day to see how folk are getting on. Message me anytime! Lucy x
Im new here too .. in my 50's .. and the advice and help I have been given have been soulful just knowing that someone understands instead of the pull yourself together brigade!!! I have long term back problems that were misdiagnosed and i too felt like no one took my pain as real ...letting off steam on here seems to be the way at the moment so we will prob meet again on here soon ... big huggs x
Thank you so much for this Abyss. I have been a bit occupied with other stuff this evening so not had time to write long reply but I would like to message you some more if that is ok? Will send longer message next time.
feel free to message me ...I dont come on every day ... pain takes me on different journeys every day .. the things and lengths i will go to for a bit of pain relief are a constant source of amusement for my daughter ... she walked in on me while i was on all fours on the kitchen floor rocking back and forth with my big arse in the air .... lol .. " mummy what on earth are you up to now!?? " i had got down there because i had dropped something and was waiting for the strength to stand up again so i just thought .. oh this feels nice it was stretching out my spine ... hahah!! ... she says being a nut is one of the things she loves about me ..... anyway back to my reply ... yep keep in touch ... look forward to chatting with you hunni ... x
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New to this...
What a FOOL I am....
What am I doing here?
new to this site.
I am suffering a lot
