Be nice, I'm new here...

[CateJ]

So I'm Cate. 40, single, two cats and working full time whilst caring for my bed ridden mother. Who I hate btw. Because she is awful. Awful, in that she cheated on my dying Father whilst he was in the hospital in a bed he MADE. Awful, in that the man she had a ten year affair with was her best friend and my god-mother's brother and her boss. And awful, because when he ended it when I was 18, she told me to drop out of Uni to look after her.

Stupidly I did, thinking after a few years she would improve physically. She didn't. Mentally well. She was a Princess in her Childhood and will forever be. Nothing she says is wrong, she has like 3 friends who all think she is ridiculous and here I sit, silently sobbing into my over-sized pillow.

Dad died when I was 10, I was sworn to never tell anyone about the affair and so now I have major intimacy issues. She is now bed-ridden and I live with her and I hate coming home. In fact the only reasons I do come home is to see and fuss my cats and to drink. And that may be my problem.

Once when I was young and pert, when I got angry I lashed out. Not saying that's right because it isn't, at all. Now I cry. Tears of rage because the PC police won't let me hit her. She calls me weak, tells me I am acting like a baby. This woman would die without my input as she refuses careers and pees into a bedpan I have to empty. She is my Mother, but she was never my Mum. Had roles been reversed and she had died instead of my Dad life would have been different as at least I know he wanted a child. She told me once that if her lover asked her to choose between that she would choose him. I was 12.

So I sit hear, two decades on, crying copiously into already watered down Chardonnay and ask you all if the problem really is mine alone? Surely I am not the only rejected child of an arrogant mother? My pain and depression are mine, but inherently linked to my mother.

She thinks I have mental issues, refusing to believe she has done anything wrong, whilst I struggle daily with feelings of depression and fear. She won't listen and any attempt to reason ends in a fight.

I don't want to fight anymore. I'm barely keeping it together. Trying not to drink and failing. Trying not to cry and brutally failing. I hate her. She has ruined my life, taken the best years and spent them criticizing me and anyone else who falls into her path. I know she is toxic, but I know believe that that the problem is with me.

And she's only 70. This could go one for years!

Thanks for listening.

Feel free to respond if you want. Just glad to be in a forum where I feel safe.

Cate

[Hidden]

Hi the simple answer is get your own place and get away from her! You don't have to spend the rest of your life nursing your mother unless you choose to. She will survive without you I am sure and will have to use carers instead of you. Don't let her make you feel guilty (easier said than done) and stand firm. You need and deserve your own life so go for it.

I would make your plans to get away asap. Otherwise like you said you could be stuck there for many years yet. Lil x

[CateJ in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Lilacil. I have dreamt of that for years but never known how to get to that place. I don't want to, and damn, she does''t want me to so why are we doing this? No-one has ever said what you siad so thank you.

Cate xx

PS Now let's see if we can do it!

[Hidden in reply to CateJ]

Great and very positive! It seems clear you can't have your own life whilst you are stuck 24/7 with each other. At least if you had your own place you could visit if you wanted and could leave to get a bit of peace in your home. I am not saying write her off (unless you want to?) but you clearly need, for your sake, to put some distance between you both. x

[MattBuckland]

Hi Cate

That sounds awful. I agree with Lil, a major part of your current issue is situational and it is going to hard if not impossible to deal with the other things. You may be able to develop healthier coping mechanisms, but life is too short.

I can't imagine your situation and realise that to leave her, however you feel will be both manually and potentially financially draining but even writing out a plan or listing options could be a start?

You can't control her so the problem is not with you. I would definitely cease discussing your feelings with her, you know that this will only be negative so it is only going to at best a waste of time and at worse damaging.

Get some help from citizens advice on the whole 'who looks after her question' and where that leaves you house wise. Don't do it on your own.

If you can get to this stage then think about addressing your over mental health issue, don't try to do it all at once.

Try and stop using the F word (failing), be kinder to yourself.

I hope you find the strength to start the process, one step at a time.

Thinking of you, Matt

[Sunshine1968]

I used to be sick a lot when I was a child, stomach ache, my mother used to love taking me to the doctor or the hospital, when I had fever my mother forbid me to drink water, she used to say it ill make me more sick, she had 3 children how could she not know you have to hydrate if you have a fever. My brother suffered from schizophrenia he was very aggressive towards me and my mother, my older brother use to protect me from his violent behavior. Mother used to hug me only when guests were present otherwise she did not want any physical contact with her children, it's easy to get knocked up but raising children is definitely not for everyone and childhood can leave you with deep mental scars.

[Petersonaj3]

Why should you look after her , she hasn't looked after you very well , run for the hills , and I agree with everything that's been said , you need your own space so you can spread you're wings before it's too late , the answer ain't in the bottom of your glass we both know that xxx

[tofler]

Sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time and sorry to be so blunt but your mother sounds like a nightmare! If you Google "daughter of a narcissistic mother" you might find some sites and information which gives you some food for thought. I hope you manage to escape from your toxic mother and that you can put some distance between you and her, as others have already suggested.

[Hidden]

We are all stronger than we realise. I had a mother who selfishly controlled me, when I was ready I cut her out of my life completely. You can decide to do whatever you choose, when you are ready to make changes you will be able to get lots of support and you will see your chosen future more clearly. Starting with small steps is a good plan 😊