Obsessed. Please i need advice.

[CassieJane]

It has been 8 months since me and my best friend got a job abroad and we live together now here for work and we only have each other here since we are miles away form our family. We've been friends since 2007 and been best friends since 2012. We been very good and super close friends. She is also my travel buddy so whenever i want to go out of town or out of the country, she is with me, most of the time. We been getting along so well until we went here last July 2015. That's when our relationship started to change. I always thought that she is the only one I got here since i don't know anyone here, no family, few friends whom i only started to meet here and a boyfriend who is a seaman so i seldom talk to him as well and he's somewhere around the world doing his job.

Maybe because of the sadness i feel inside i tried to depend more on my best friend. I always want to talk to her more than anyone else. I want her to show me that she needs me and that she cares for me. I am starting to seek more attention from her. I am doing so much for her and i just wants to be with her all the time we could possibly have. During exhausting day at work, i am excited to go home because she is there. I am always excited to tell her everything that happen to me during the day. Though we live together, i still want to go out with her and explore places with her. I just love doing this and it gives me strength to went on everyday here. But she started to change and got cold with me. We started fighting. We don't understand each other anymore. When i tried to be close to her or whenever i ask her if she cares for me or whenever i tried to lighten the situation, it gets worst. I hate it when she started shouting at me as if i have done no good. It's just so hard to accept harsh words from her. She's been treating me as if i am OK accepting all the negative words she throws at me like i am not normal anymore or i am gross or i am so scary. It hurt me so much and make me feel like as if i am the worst friend ever. It's like she forgot everything we had and everything i did for her. I am willing to do everything for her even the impossible just for her but she keeps telling me that i have done nothing. I can't understand why she treats me like that. The more she do that, the more she rejects, ignore and hurt me the more it triggers me with this crazy thoughts. The more i wanted to ask her my worth, the more i ask her assurance on out friendship. I always wants to know if she still my best friend and if she will not leave me because i am really afraid to lose her. I really feel that i am obsess with her attention. But it is because she never tells me my worth. Whenever i ask her that i wanted to be her best friend forever she would tell me lets take it one day at a time it is as if she is not sure that she wants to be my friend and it drives me crazy.

Right now we are OK i think so. I been reading so much about obsession. I don't want to lose her that is why i am controlling my self not to be so into her. I love her but i am not in love with her OK. Its just that i want to feel she loves me. What is wrong with me? I keep trying to understand that's why i am trying to change for her. And she knows that i am trying. I just cannot understand why she keeps telling me that i am not normal and other harsh thing. I told her it is not helpful if she will continue to throw me some hard words or she will get angry to me always. Is it wrong to ask her my worth? I am asking repeatedly because she never responded. I ask her to help me but i don't think she is helping? I cant understand, she is my best friend and she is supposedly helping me right? Or am i wrong?

Please advise me as i don't know what to do already. I don't want to lose our friendship but she isn't cooperating as well. I can't do this alone. I just want to feel loved by her not ignored and rejected by her. But she never showed me that she love me. She never showed me that she wants me to be her friend or if i am important to her. She tells me sometimes when i ask her but it never shown to any of her action. Is it really me is the problem? Or is it because she also too don't value and appreciate me that is why i started to seek more from her?

Please any advise will do. I just want to clear my mind. It is depressing and alarming already. Thank you.

[Marguerite9]

Hello CassieJane,

You sound a lovely person, but I think you should get out and try to make some new friends or go to evening classes and learn something. Your friend needs some space and you are not giving it to her. If you dont give her some space, I think you will end up losing her. Try to do different things and meet new people instead of just dwelling on your friend all the time and then you will save your friendship.

I sincerely wish you good luck and hope that you will try what I have written above.

Marguerite9 x

[CassieJane in reply to Marguerite9]

Thank you. I am really trying to control myself not to communicate with her

[Hidden]

Hi I agree with the other reply. Your friend is feeling stifled and very uncomfortable. She is trying to tell you that she can't take the responsibility of being everything to you and needsa lot more space than you are giving her. You need to concentrate on making other friends and going places without her to give her a break. I think she will cease being your friend unless you back way off. x

[Fibrojules]

Hi Cassie Jane, I was so sorry to read your post and feel all your anxiety and pain but you have to try and put yourself in your friends' shoes to see how your demands are causing your friend to feel suffocated and if this continues, I fear you will lose your close friendship. Do you have access to any counselling out there, or better still classes that teach Tai Chi which combines deep breathing and relaxation which could be beneficial. Meeting other people would take some of the pressure for you both. I sincerely hope that you find the help that you need and wish you well. Take care. Julia x

[deejames]

Cassie I'll be blunt. Its not healthy just to have one friend whom you rely on for everything. Do you think she might be feeling overwhelmed and trapped by you ?When girls are little they ask each other if they will be their friend for ever. Grown people working abroad don't. Surely going abroad to work was partly to meet new people and have new experiences. You will not do that if you are joined at the hip with your friend.

She may be being harsh with you for many reasons but perhaps just perhaps she is trying to get you to back off and give her some breathing space.

You say yourself your are obsessed. That's a scary word to apply to another human being.

It sounds as if she is growing away from you but you are not accepting the need to have other people now that you have made the initial transition from home.

I do think you need some outside help to talk through these issues. Is that something you can easily find. Not you and her, its not relationship councilling, but for you to help you move on and deal with your feelings of dependency.

You have probably not liked what I've said. Maybe you were looking for someone to agree with you that your friend was being nasty. Have you met no one that you could go out with and do things apart from your friend ? Perhaps if you have other interests your friend might relax and things can move on to a less suffocating relationship.

I do hope things improve for you ( and your friend)

Dee

[CassieJane in reply to deejames]

i think i agree with you i am really having a hard time to free my friend and allow her to do whatever she wants to do. Maybe being harsh to me is the only way she can cope up. But its hurting me and the more i want more of her.

[Findingme in reply to CassieJane]

Maybe you too have experienced someone who professes to love you, but has no respect for your space or time. You may have come to see this as normal. It is not.

Just as the army says 'before you can lead you must learn to follow orders', in life, before you can set boundaries for other people, you must first learn to accept other people's boundaries.

So, for your own sake, learn what is an acceptable level of contact, hard as it may be for you. This will help you in life for when other people want to control you or do not respect you.

[CassieJane in reply to deejames]

i know i should back off and give her space. But i am really having a hard time now to control myself. I am really trying to be calm and just forget and let go those things but at the same time i want to feel loved. Its confusing and it is hard.

[CassieJane]

Hello...

You know what iv changed since my last post here... i started to depend on my self more and not with my best friend. I became emotionally steady. We have been ok for around a month and i thought were going well actually.. Then she acted again as if i have been so bad to her and s if i was never good to her. I thought we had an understanding already. Then 2 days ago she started to become aloof again with me. I understand before that we had a rough friendship because iv been so clingy to her but now i cant understand why. We seldom go out together. She goes out with other friends and i am totally ok with that. I goes out by myself, do things i like by myself and i am also ok doing it. We see each other everyday because we are housemate but we seldom talk to each other personally when were at home. We just talks about casual things but not personal because there are other people in the house. We do chat in FB messenger but not a lot because she has work and i have too. I cant understand why she is telling me that we do chat a lot if i can only talk to her few minutes online because she has work. and although i have left messages she doesnt read it or is not excited to read it. I remember i confront her last night because i have left so many msgs then i saw her browsing FB then ignoring my messages. I dont get the point as we seldom go out, seldom talk and chatting online is what we have but still she is saying i am controlling her? I dont get it. Is it wrong if i will have displeasure on her? besides it hurts that my bestfriend is not interested on me anymore.

I understand that she in stress on her work but she doesn't tell or share me anything,. Its hard because i cant do anything. What she wants me to do is leave her alone.

Then today we talked. I let her go. I told her to go on find herself and seek the reasons why she is like this. She just needs time for herself i know that. All i want for her is to be happy. I dont want to lose my best friend but i want her to be happy. True happiness. I cant be on that process. She dont need me on this situation. It hurts. so much. I told her that if she find her happiness i hope that she will find way to come back to me again. If ever she needs me i will be there for her always.

But what if after this time alone she found out that she is better off without me? What else is there left for me? This is my doubt then i stop communicating with her. I dont think i can bear when she tell me that " hey sorry but i dont need you anymore and without you i became happy. I dont want to be your bestfriend anymore ". This is insane.. And im trying not to think of it. This is what i am afraid of. Losing her.

What shall i do? Anyway we are off now.. I am waiting for her to come back. If she will. I hope so.