Hi I'm Rob, I'm here because I want to understand and basically feel better. I'm hoping your advice and experiences can help me.
I'm 36 and live alone. I have two young children and an ex partner that basically uses me for her own gains. It really gets me down and it's been going on for 8 years. I try desperately to hold my family together and yearn for my kids and my their mum to want us together as a family again. The constant mixed signals and contraindications really really upset me. I've been dealing with it for to long. Leaving her for good doesn't feel like an option because I love my little family so much it hurts. I cannot bare to become a weekend Dad! But I can't cope anymore. I'd often talk to my mum about it and she would advise me the best she could. She's the only one I've ever talked to about it. I lie about my situation to everyone else. It feels such a huge burden to bear. Unfortunately my Mum passed away Feb 2015 with a very aggressive and very unpleasant form of Cancer. I watched her go from healthy to unspeakable indignity in 7 weeks. I replay it in my head constantly. I can't shake the memories. I try so hard to remember other times but the sadness won't allow it. I feel a deep deep sadness all the time I feel alone and hopeless. I'm starting to feel pains in multiple places and that causes anxiety that I've got Cancer. My body feels like it's giving up. My head feels like it's numb. My soul feels black. I've become reclusive and lethargic. I can't cope in the mornings it's like I've got to warm up before I start to feel awake! Usually later on in the day. There's more symptoms and issues but this is the gist of it. I'm sick of feeling like this I'm wasting my life and my kids must see it? I'm hoping there is some advice out there for me.
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Rob80
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Hi Rob your very welcome, that is tough to loose your Mum to cancer, it's always hard to loose a parent but when they go before their time it's much worse. No. 1 you are still grieving for you Mum and Grief takes time , it's not something you can put a timeline on, you will naturally be up and down, when I lost my Partner 7 years ago, I used to burst into tears for no reason, it took me at least a year to begin to return to normality and of course I still miss him nut as time passes you learn to accept it and live your life, your Mum would hate to see you suffer.
Please see a GP and see can he refer you for Counselling , you sound like a great Dadd and it must be hard to get o. With your ex if she is playing games, I'm not s sure what the answer here is except to get yourself well mentally and then you will feel better able to deal with her and set some boundaries.
Anyway I hope you find hope in something I have said and stick around as the people here are helpful and kind and naturally everyone will give you their viewpoint which is good too.
You 've got to take care of your health, please. The stress of your current situation must weigh very heavy on you and you have added stress worrying about that situation changing. It's tough when kids are involved. I found myself in a difficult relationship. I love my man tremendously, but his bipolar and anger issues have made it impossible to stay with him. In just over a week, I'm moving out. My partner doesn't know & the past few days he has been his old wonderful self. It's killing me, but I know that leaving is the best thing for both of us. At his worst he is abusive and makes no sense. When I go, I will tell you exactly how I feel & how I cope with it. Will you use that information to examine your own situation? Perhaps your partner won't want the children all the time & you will be more than a weekend dad. We're here for you. Hang in there!
Rob, you're certainly not wasting your life, you are helping raise two young children in difficult circumstances. That certainly means a life involving some sacrifice but you sound a very responsible ,good and loving father. That alone should make you feel proud.
I hope that you eventually regain a conventional family life but the brief picture you paint of your ex partner makes that sound unlikely with her ,and while you should n't stop working towards it you have to accept it probably won't happen.The fact of your Mother's death and the manner of it will fade with time and the best way to honour her memory is to know she would certainly not have wished you to dwell on it to the point where it is affecting your life and thoughts a year later.
If you have n't already I would seek medical help and be totally honest with your GP. You might manage without it but why take the risk and its important in your present mood to get all the help you possibly can.
Your kids ,like all kids ,will be observant but will notice far less than you imagine, but it is important for both them and you that you accept what has happened has happened and tomorrow you start from where you are now. Some medical help may be necessary to achieve this acceptance and bring some joy back into your life and I would expect and hope that that would lead to the symptoms you are feeling vanishing.
Thankyou. You make a lot of sense. I've booked to see my GP next Tuesday. I refuse to live like this anymore and my mental and physical health is deteriorating. I can feel it. I used to be so outgoing and happy and make friends with anyone. Now I don't bother I'm so consumed with this it's really taking over my thoughts and effecting my life, bringing me down all the time. I'm existing not living and the motivation is my two kids and the hope that there's happiness out there somewhere for me aswell. There has to be? I hope so.
Rob, I think trying to hold onto a partner that has moved out and doesn't want a relationship with you is essentially futile. She is gone. That may sound harsh, but it's the truth. I think the only way out of this situation is for you to go on and make a life for yourself. Find new friends, join a support group for grief and for divorce, etc. Join a group for single parents. Go to church. Get a therapist. Get a dog. Make a new life. It's very hard to get past grief and loneliness if you're alone all the time. You have to do the work to deal with loss or it doesn't get better.
I hear you Tammalu and thankyou for taking your time to read and respond. The problem is though that my children's mother the love of my life still wants me around to go on family days out, even holidays and do things for her and have dinner together. She wants me to parent my kids but only the way she says and if I don't? I get told off! In front of the kids! She doesn't want to share a bed with me or a house but expects me at her house at the crack of dawn to help with the kids and things. Even walk her dog. I get phone called asking where I am? I do it because of my love for her and my children and to keep some kind of resemblance of a family together. My kids have mums house and dads house but I'm always at mums house being a dad and then shipped off once my duties are done! Ultimately I'm hoping beyond hope she'll want me 'full time' and Ive done this 'part time' thing for years. It's horrible and I don't understand. I try and talk about it with her and I'm told it's my fault or she completely ignores the point and says she can't do confrontation? It's really really broken me I'm afraid and I'm sick of it. But I can't shake the feeling of failure and the thought of letting my kids down. That breaks my heart to. I just don't know how I ever got here.
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