There is strength in you

[dcoco17]

Good Morning. My name is D. I woke up this morning with the unwanted clarity of realizing, that I am reliving one of the darkest, most challenging times of my life. Ive been conditioned for years to keep quiet. To keep my mouth shut. That sharing my heart and my feelings makes me the disrespectful one. The hated one. The best way to describe it is: *I thought I would never, EVER have to watch this most gruesome, night terror causing, horror film ever again* But here I am. My heart screams in silent agony. And everyday I slip further and further away. Now here's the kicker... Once or twice a day, God brings me these fleeting moments of clearer vision. Vision that heals back to 20/20. Vision that allows me to see my strength internally. Vision that shows me my beautiful Grandma my reason to never give up, because she needs me. And my precious fur baby Coco. So I choose to never give up, but I pray that I can find support here. Im so so SO TIRED of being in this agonizing darkness, whilst being a punching bag the narcissist needs for sick gratification.

[dcoco17]

Oh my goodness, my tears arent being held back anymore. Someone actually answered me??!!! You answered me! ;( Im so sad. David Im so so so sad. I moved in with my grandma full time at the end of 2020. Grandma called me one night whispering in fear that moms sister was leaving her starving. *moms sister was supposed to be her full time caregiver as my grandma has dementia. At that time period it was towards the first middle stage of the illness, BUT SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE CARING FULL TIME FOR MY GRANDMA *HER OWN MOTHER!!!!! ;( I move in to see with my own eyes grandmas top dencher/partial was broken and moms sister instructed her to keep shoving it back up in her gums as a brand new dencher piece is a luxury and her family cant pay for that. I became witness to the fact that my grandma was instructed to make do with her one broken hearing aid, as a new one let alone TWO THAT SHE REQUIRES!!! again is a "luxury" Grandma needed a fresh glasses prescription as hers was 19yrs old. Repeat, repeat, repeat....I felt myself begin to internally bleed for my grandma at the fact that her own daughter/the husband/and shameful daughters would EVER ALLOW SUCH FILTH AND DISGRACE TO BE PUT UPON MY GRANDMA. Just a hairline above poverty at the time, I my grandmas granddaughter and her really ;( my best friend and, like an organ of my body..such a huge piece of me... ;( I...well I've never in my life felt my brain move as quickly as it did at that time, so my grandmas needs could be immediately met. And I dont know how, but by Gods grace I was able to get her brand new beautiful teeth, two new hearing aids, and brand new glasses! To this day, I choke on the dark contemplation, of how in the HELL can family...BLOOD...Not be there for their mother *my grandma* Now speed up to today...Mom is staying with us in our current one bedroom one bath. Mom is a lifelong alcoholic, combined with never being treated for 18 plus years of physical abuse from her husband *my father who left us when I was 10 and is once again on staff as a pastor* *He was the head pastor of our church for years when I was little. And before I was born in two other churches* Ive educated myself learning that with so many years of physical abuse, alcoholism...the cruelty I bare everyday is due to yet another health issue to add to mom of *narcissism* Add to that her son my brother who was a marine, lost his battle with PTSD in 2018. And my mom and I were not even allowed to say goodbye due to her monster of an ex husband. Mom and I still dont even know where his ashes are. Or even where the incident occurred. Grandmas dementia is now at advanced stages. I care for her 24hrs a day as she doesnt know or understand how to function without me. With all of this being said...I..Myself...Feel I cannot ever dare discuss or get medical assistance for my health issues. I was in a hit and run car accident January 2021 & broke my back on multiple levels of the spine. 3 surgeries later, I now need another surgery because two of the screws in my tailbone broke. *I do everything I am not supposed to because my mom and grandma need me and I have no choice* No one else in their family will help them. Im 8 months late on my cancer checkup and so much more.

[Footballdad in reply to dcoco17]

Well just remember, Everyday is a new day, Take a deep breath and start again.

[Genuineguy]

Wow, this post makes me feel really upset for you. You don't deserve to suffer like you have.