Mental Health Support
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Another day. Why though!!!!????

Its so hard folks. Its like its ok when talking but if i have to make things about me all i can see is black darkness. I hate life. God forgive me, i feel so guilty as there are people who would give anything to have a life and be physically ok. And all i can think to that is that im a fraud being here and wishing i could give them my physicalities because i wouldnt wish my head on anyone. Death, wishing death, feeling sick from living. Hating all the people who dnt understand. Being angry at people who are having nice good lives. Then guilty again because what right do i ever have to be angry at people having happy lives or being jealous of them. I hate looking in the mirror. I keep thinking that everyone can see what i see an ugly disgusting messed up excuse for an individual who is pathetic and will never be anything more than a waste of skin and air. I dont deserve life and i should die because i am simply draining the light that could be shone on someone worthy of it to grow. Instead i the disgusting waste of skin am draining the light. I dnt deserve the light. I deserve the dark. Sorry folks. For wasting your time with my petty sad pathetic existance.

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I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Depression weighs on you like a ton of bricks doesn't it, crushing the hope and happiness out of everything.

Have you looked for help with these feelings? There is help, I promise.

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I know how you feel. its rubbish isn't it? guess we all have to just keep going? try and find out what works for us

how r u today?

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Hi,

You have extremely low self-esteem, and your view of your own personality is very badly distorted. People don't see you as a ugly or disgusting, people just see another human being. There are plenty of disgusting people about, they are in the news all the time for doing horrible things, but I doubt very much that you fall into that category!

You need to challenge these negative thoughts.

A couple of years ago I was feeling the same as you do now. It got to the point where I covered all the mirrors up in the house because I couldn't stand looking at myself, not because I am especially ugly (although I am no Tom Cruise!) but because I was so disgusted with myself, just for being alive. Since then I have begun to question where this problem started from, and for me the most likely cause was being bullied at school. I'd wager that just about everyone who has low self-esteem has been abused at some point, and make no mistake, bullying is real abuse. You are made to feel like a complete failure by other people because it makes them feel better for some perverted reason. Understanding this has helped me, I still don't feel great about myself but the phrase 'waste of skin' does not come into my mind any more.

If you don't mind me asking, what do you think is the real underlying cause of your self-loathing?

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Lots of things. Being abandoned by my birth mother. Growing up beside her and my horrible birth father who always fed me with youl never be nothing from i could walk and talk. Calling me names and mentally destroying me. Physical abuse, sexually being raped at varying points through life the worst being on the 26th august 1999 when i was raped by 5 men and became pregnant and had to go to england and have a termination. My baby was 1iweeks old. I was made look at the screen at it. I came home and was called a murderer because i wouldnt allow my mother to bring it up as my brother. But i didnt want a rapists baby growing up beside me never being able to tell it the truth. Butmy mother was disgusted that i dared not to have the child and shunned me forever and her and my family all called me a murderer n im going to hell. The day after the hell termination my father asked me if i had fun in the place and did i enjoy seeing my baby getting torn limb from limb and put in a bucket. Also i had to live above the people who raped me for months until i got the courage to tell family who took me home and those rapists were confronted. But if i hadnt have went there it wouldnt have happened n if i hadnt have drank or wore what i wore. My family all said that to me too. My life has been horrendous. I could write so many books. In my 30s. I dont like to look at me. Im disgusting.

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My baby was 18weeks. A boy. And i didnt grow up with my birth family.

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And Robimark im so sorry you were bullied as you seem a lovely person. All of you who replied are lovely taking the time to speak to me!! But i truely hope you all feel good and are doing well today. Im sorry for being so parhetic.x

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Good lord, you really have had a bad time. The way you've been treated, it's little wonder you have a low opinion of yourself. But that opinion is entirely wrong! You've fought your way through all these problems, and you should be proud of yourself for that. I can only imaging just how bad it is to be violated, but for people who should support you to take that attitude, it beggars belief. You have to remember that it's not you who's pathetic, it's the people who abused you who are, and you feel this way because of what they have done. You have done nothing wrong, and certainly don't deserve the treatment you have had.

You may never get over this completely, but try to keep a sense of perspective and think how any reasonable person would view your situation if they knew all the facts. I'd suggest talking to someone about all of this, if you haven't already. I know there are many charities and helplines out there.

Stay strong,

Mark.

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Thank you so much for being so nice. I feel like an awful debbie downer about all of my misery and how others must be filled with dread seeing yukk me or having to listen to me like on here I prob sound like im being poor me pay me attention. Honestly Mark im far from it. I would gladly hide or fade from peoples sight or ears as i feel disgusting and must put people right off with me even existing. But until im gone i wish i could go through one day smiling. Sadly not. I hate myself. But i appreciate the kindness of others. Yourself included. I hope you are well and i want the best for you as that is what you deserve. You are kind and respectful and have been supportive to a waste of time like me. Thank you. Anytime you wanna chat about things if im here il chat to you when i can.x

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You are a kind person, and I appreciate what you have said - it's been a very long time since I have heard such words. It's a shame that bad things happen to good people.

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I often wonder what right I've got to feel miserable. But hey, there are richer, better looking people with bigger cars and houses, who are miserable too!

Much love x

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nothing seems to affect iit, you can have a good life but still depression haunts you

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And the frustrating thing is that other people just don't see it. Family will wonder how I can be depressed when I earn a good salary and have amazing partner and children. I just can!!!!

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